We saw The Emoji Movie on the horizon and did little to stop it. We thought that a mix of Toy Story, Inside Out, and Wreck-It Ralph taking place in a smartphone would be inoffensive. We laughed at Sir Patrick Stewart being called in to voice the poo emoji - not to mention a tonedeaf attempt at parodying The Handmaiden's Tale - and we did nothing. Today, The Emoji Movie is finally in theaters, and just about every critic worth their salt is lining up to stab it in the eye. Repeatedly. How bad could a movie that takes place in a smartphone with dated jokes and blatant CandyCrush and Spotify product placement be? These writers scoped it out so you don't have to.