ride to hell

Video games can do almost anything. They can empower you with invincibility stars or decimate your confidence after three seconds of Dark Souls. But rarely do video games ever succeed at being sexy. Even moreso than superhero comics, video games have had a rough time depicting a virtual bout of blanket hornpipe. Part of it is the fact that tapping buttons and spinning analog sticks just doesn't do a whole lot to approximate what it's really like to bump uglies. Even if it's only featured in a cutscene or in the background, video game sex almost always turns out awkward -- but developers and publishers decide to leave it in anyway.

1. The Sims' ghost sex

sims

You can do some pretty messed up stuff to your Sims. You can electrocute them, you can make them wallow in their pee or even instill them with an inescapable sense of self-doubt that will haunt them for their professional lives. But the most common Sim-sadism comes when you force two people into emotionless boinking by repeatedly clicking their faces together until one of them reluctantly whimpers: "Woo... Hoo." If a Sim should die a horrific but purely accidental death in a doorless room with nothing but a fireplace and a stack of wicker baskets, then you're screwed out of screwing. Well, unless you make your Sim into a ghost.  

That's right, with some finagling you are able to spark relationships and make sex with spooky ghosts. But to what end? Are ghosts even good between the sheets? It seems like it'd be like it'd be about as satisfying as humping a light breeze. And it's not like you could even get a Sim ghost pregnant if you wante--

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Oh, wow. The implications here are intense. If ghosts can do it and then get pregnant, what really separates the living from the dead? Do the babies stay babies forever like the toys in Toy Story? Is there a Sims cheat-code to un-learn things?

2. Awkward puzzle-porn in 7 Sins

7 sins

Like The Guy Game, Leisure Suit Larry and BabeBlaster 3: Return of Pubetressa, 7 Sins is one of those "sexy" games made for (and potentially by) people who have never had sex. Technically the game revolves around social trials relating to the deadly sins, but most know it for the multitude of vapid females for which to woo and lay on top of. It's not like "sexy" games shouldn't exist, but you don't get to use that term when making out looks like this:

As you can see, these copulation-bots have initiated kiss protocols and proceed to their standing sequence after reaching sufficient tongueosity levels. If seeing dead-eyed androids attempting a facsimile of the physical act of love isn't your thing, there's always the stimulating puzzle games:

The goal of this segment is to "Find the G-spot," which like in real life is achieved by gliding an orb around a pixelated image. You are rewarded for your prowess with tantalizing reveals of a generous man having sex -- or as the game would put it, Sex Sex Sex! -- with a boneless woman whose organs have been liquefied. Upon completion of your underwear sex, 7 Sins announces you have reached the "highest relationship level" with your partner. You might as well kill yourself, because the human experience doesn't get any better from here.

3. Ride to Hell: Retribution's pants-on sex-off

ride to hell

Released in 2013, Ride to Hell: Retribution has since gained legendary cult status among masochistic bad-game enthusiasts. In RtH, you hopefully will never play as bad boy Jake Conway on a quest for revenge. Yeah, the shooting is terrible and the driving sequences are a joke, but the things most people gravitate towards are the unbelievably awful sex scenes.

This pitiful merry-go-round of flesh is supposed to be your reward for completing a mission. This is what it's like for the whole game, as your sad caveman sleepwalks between objectives in an effort to grind and grunt in the general vicinity of multiple mannequin women. The developers didn't even bother programming naked character models for the sex scenes. 

Minutes after Jake employs the services of a prostitute, a voluptuous car mechanic takes her turn straddling this insatiable fuckboy. Unless they ripped a hole in that denim onesie, that's some very elaborate dry-humping. Then there's the most excruciating threesome ever witnessed.

People made this game, the discs were pressed in a factory and sent to stores where people could buy them. There's no going back.