1. Kitty Powers' Matchmaker

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Kitty Powers' Matchmaker is a new entry on Steam, and early reviews are praising its campy tone and light enjoyable gameplay. I downloaded it for 7.49 and readied myself to be whisked away to a world of romance and dating, gallantly striding atop the shoulders of a sassy British drag queen whose name is a pussy joke. 

 

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My first client was a lonely young woman in her 20s who enjoyed "DVD Commentaries" and "Mac and Cheese", disregarding all the compatibility options I matched her with the goofiest-looking dude available.

 

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Nailed it. 

 

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The core gameplay involves a lot of mobile-style tapping and minigames relating to the dates themselves. Is one of your clients vegetarian? Be careful what you order. Distract their ex who's eating at the same restaurant! The whole thing is very light and casual, but I'm playing with the intensity of a starving falcon because I want to see what happens when these two homunculi actually hook up. As the date ends I tell my client to seal the deal with a declaration of love.

 

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Hooray! Enjoy your teeny tiny moustache ride, you crazy kids.

 

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This is the victory screen. Apparently the act of love between these two sexual dynamos was such a violent spectacle that they both died and are now in heaven, forced to eternally smooch as armed drag queen angels block the exits. How romantic!

 

This is the must-have game for cool moms in 2015. Light, amusing, and jusssssst risqué enough to make you feel like you're still hip, I give Kitty Powers' Matchmaker 10 sassy jokes out of 10.

 

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2. Trials in Tainted Space (TiTS)

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In a far off future, the galaxy has been conquered and technology has lengthened the human lifespan to centuries thanks to the work of Super-Industrialist Victor Steele. You play as Victor's cloned progeny, whose sole purpose is to spread his genetic legacy across the stars in this "interactive fiction" by Fenoxo Fenfen. The first step was birthing my protagonist through an exhaustive character creator that asked for my species, gender, height, weight, eye color and "vaginal traits".

 

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After a few minutes I created a thouroughly lubricated female protagonist named "Gug" and we were ready to go forth and explore the distant corners of the universe.

 

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My first encounter started immediately when I was attacked by an alien goo lady aboard my ship. I tried to use my ray gun, but it had no effect. Fearing for my life, I prepared for the worst. When suddenly the tone shifted DRASTICALLY.

 

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Honestly, are there any two words more erotic than "human vagina"? I think not. 

Needless to say the conflict was resolved thanks to hot lesbian goo-sex. Afterwards, I landed my ship on a far-off planet, exited the vessel, walked down a hallway and promptly exchanged oral sex with another genetic abomination. This text-based rpg is actually donor-backed and new alien races and options are continuously added (they're currently polling to see if your character should gain the ability to lay eggs). This is absolutely bananas. I'm not here to kink-shame, if anything I'm kink-saluting. Trials in Tainted Space (TiTS) is a milestone achievement in the field of confusing boners.

3. Stick Shift

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Stick Shift is an indie game by Robert Yang in which you manually please your gay car. I'm not making assumptions here, the official description on the website promises "sex through the tender caresses that seduce gay cars everywhere".

 

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You play a dashing young driver who is ready to go all the way with his vehicle. To do this you stroke your mouse up and down until the odometer revs enough to change gears. The excitement builds with each pop of the clutch as the techno soundtrack grows louder and the world begins to melt away in a hedonistic hallucinatory bliss, until... you get pulled over by the cops.

 

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If you get lost in the ecstasy of driving your beloved, you might not notice the police cars that will pull you over for speeding/deviant behavior. As you're confronted with the flashing lights and chatter of the police scanner you are unable to play the game for a set amount of time. You can reboot your computer, restart the game, futz with the clock, but it doesn't matter. You have to wait. The only thing you can do is... blow kisses at the cops.

 

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This is the best part of the game. I went back and donated an additional dollar once I found out that the program doubled as "Blow Kisses at Cops Simulator 2015". Each time you click, you blow a kiss and 10 more minutes get added to your time penalty. I was clicking back and forth so much to take this screencap that I ended up getting locked out of the game for 4 hours. You can get it right now as a Pay-What-You-Want download and I heartily recommend you do so immediately.