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It's not that superheroes shouldn't have sex. Nobody thinks that Superman and Lois Lane have hard, featureless plastic underneath their clothes. It's only natural that grown adults, even those insane enough to wear elaborate costumes while fighting crime, would become attracted to one another to thet point of totally doing it. The problem with superheroes in particular lies in their tendency to be bombastic, larger than life. There are examples of tasteful cape sex out there (somewhere, probably?), but too often it's just a boobtacular splash page drawn purely for shock value, or a ridiculous plot point devoid of any emotion or desire. Most of the time, it's downright goofy. Since "goofy superhero intercourse" is such an irresistible combination, we've compiled a list of the most ridiculous comic sex scenes below.

Though DC and Marvel rarely go further than TV-14 sideboob, it should be obvious that this is gonna get NSFW.

 

5. Ant-Man shrinks down to go downtown

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Here we go, some good ol' red-blooded copulation between two non-relatives! Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne were divorced at the time of this comic, in large part due to his infamous indiscretions, when they decided to travel to Vegas together in an attempt to rekindle their relationship. It seems like it's going pretty well, until you realize...

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Yikes. What do you even do after you've shrunken yourself down between a woman's legs? What's the gameplan? Do you start pummeling the meat curtain like fleshy gym equipment? I guess you could go full-on Lemmiwinks and head into the pink abyss, but that seems like it would require some kind of breathing apparatus. Really, the bigger issue is what he thinks she's going to do once it's "her turn" to use sexual shrinking powers. As a dude, I can say that there is no appeal in having your balls treated like a bouncy castle.

This brings up all sorts of questions about the use of powers in superheroes' bedrooms. Does Superman use his laser vision to melt candle wax on Lois Lane? Does The Invisible Woman play a literal game of Hide the Salami with Mr. Fantastic? Could The Flash possibly be as disappointing as he sounds? 

 

4. Batman and Catwoman's awkward rooftop romp

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Bruce and Selina had to get it on eventually. Sexual tension is best left uncut, but it'd be unfair to readers to go on for years without making good on those furtive glances. But you'd think that, when the moment finally came, it would be after they collapsed into each other's arms after saving the world. They'd retire onto the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace at Wayne Manor, next to a pair of shattered precoital wine glasses. Batman's symbol might be a bat, but he's still a man with weaknesses. Weaknesses like love.

I mean, you'd think that's how it would go down, if you thought about it enough to write Superfriend-fiction blogs under a pseudonym. Even if you have other, wronger Batman/Catwoman-related headcanon, it probably doesn't culminate in this:

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This just looks painful for all involved. Putting aside Catwoman tweaking Batman's nipple while all the blood drains from her shriveled foot, that can't possibly be the optimal banging position. It certainly looks like they're doing more than dryhumping through spandex, but it's not really clear how they're getting from P to V. I'd say that Batman has planned for this contingency, but if he had his wits about him he certainly wouldn't be having sex on a filthy rooftop, exposed and vulnerable to the multitude of vertically-inclined villains and vigilantes hopping around the city on any given night.

Let's hope that Batman had a rubber in that utility belt. At the very least, we know that Catwoman is on the built-in birth control known as "being a woman in superhero comics."

 

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