I'm sorry, but your wife has a virus. Well three viruses actually.
Three viruses?! How is that even possible? What are they?
After much research though it seems she has a red, blue, and yellow virus.
I'm sorry, what?
We've decided to name the blue virus 'Chill', the red virus 'Fever', and the yellow virus 'Weird'.
So she has a fever and a chill?
No, no. Those are the names I've given the viruses. The names really have nothing to do with the symptoms that they are causing.
…Is there another doctor here I can speak to?
Sir, as you can clearly see I am a qualified doctor. I have this heart listening device hanging around my neck and this shiny disc on my forehead.
Yes doctor, I'm sorry. So what is the next step?
Well we're going to treat her with a series of colored vitamins of my own design. I've even got this mixed tape of funky midi tunes to keep me company while I fire countless vitamins down your wife's throat.
And what's in the vitamins doctor?
Well it's always been my experience that the best thing to increase one's health is mushrooms. So I've gone through the yard around the hospital and gathered as much as I could.
…You're giving my wife wild mushrooms?! Where exactly did you go to med school?
You mean plumbing school?
I'll begin preparing her funeral arrangements.