NOTE: Microsoft has backed off on their stances on used game DRM, required online connectivity, and region-locking, so this article is pointless now. 75% of the jokes no longer work on any level. There is no reason for you to continue reading past this point.

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

So – everyone's been pretty "down" on the Xbox One since its big announcement at E3 last week. But – is it all that bad? Surely the internet tends to exaggerate these kinds of things and gets caught up in a froth-mouthed fit of anger that isn't ENTIRELY justified, right? Well – let's find out! Let's take a look at some of the aspects of Microsoft's new console that people have been ragging on – and find the positive things that people have overlooked!

The Always-On Kinect

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

By simply speaking "Xbox On," your Xbox One will actually turn on. Part of the compromise for this incredible "order around your Xbox like an indentured servant" feature is that the Kinect must always be on. Yes, the Kinect – with the highly-advanced camera – will always be on and watching and listening to you, unless you cover it up or something, since the Xbox One literally will not function without the Kinect. But, I mean, I guess this will give you some motivation to get in shape, since Microsoft will have a constant surveillance feed of you sitting on your couch in your underwear. Also, your days of touching yourself in an indecent manner (this article is rated G, just an FYI) while laying around bored on the couch are OVER. Really, this is just a huge incentive to get off the couch and go outside. Because inside, Microsoft is watching you masturbate (this article is now rated PG-13).

Required Internet Connection

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

A large part of the Xbox One criticism comes from the fact that the system MUST connect to the internet once every 24 hours in order to function (just like every twenty-something in America, am I right? Haha, just kidding, we need to connect to the internet non-stop for 18 hours a day). For people without a steady internet connection – or ANY internet connection, as is an issue with servicemen overseas who enjoy playing videogames to distract them from the mind-numbing drudgery and constant threat of simply being in certain tumultuous area of the Middle East – this is an issue. However, for most people, this just means that fewer people have to get embarrassed losing a Call of Duty match to a bunch of racist, screaming 9 year olds playing virtual soldiers. I can't think of any greater way to honor our troops.

The Name

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

A lot of kids who have not been exposed to the stampede of anti-Xbox One memes will foolishly ask their parents for an Xbox One for Christmas. The confused parents, who have called literally every system their child has ever owned "Nintendo", might get a used Xbox original (not realizing that it is retroactively no longer the "Xbox One") for their soon-to-be disappointed child. But now that child can play Halo 2 whenever they want. That's a win for everyone involved. Except Microsoft. Probably a "lose" for them.

No Used Games

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

Another controversial decision has been Microsoft's somewhat nebulous plan to restrict the sales of used games, by tying new games to a specific Xbox Live account. While this means the concept of sharing games between friends is pretty much defunct, at least you won't be tempted to trade a game that cost you $60 at Gamestop for $7 in store credit, or let your buddy Derek borrow your copy of Halo 3 which he'll return to you a WEEK after you asked for it back all scratched up and with fingerprints all over it. Fuck you, Derek (update: this article is now rated R).

The Look

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

Well, the system is a black rectangle, which is a step better than the curvy, fits-with-nothing design of the Xbox 360. It won't be embarrassing to include this piece of hardware with the rest of your entertainment setup. This is actually a legitimate better thing.

Other Features

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One
  • The Xbox One will play Blu-Rays, meaning Sony will get some cash for literally every Xbox One sold. It's win-win. Except for Microsoft. Feels like another "lose" for them.
  • The Xbox One will enhance your TV watching experience by charging you another $500 (plus the cost of a monthly Xbox Live subscription) to watch TV programs you're already paying for with your cable subscription. It'll make you appreciate that American Dad! rerun on Adult Swim so much more than usual.
  • It has Bing, so you can have a nice chuckle that Microsoft still thinks Bing is a thing every time you turn on your Xbox One. "Xbox – go to Bing. Haha, just kidding. Can you imagine?"
  • No backwards compatibility to Xbox 360 games means you can get rid of all your old games that are taking up valuable space where you could keep a collection of brand new Windows Phones – now with Bing, the world's favorite search engine (this entry is sponsored by Microsoft).
  • The console will literally only work in 21 countries at launch. If you are not in those 21 countries, you will be completely unable to play Xbox One. Which is fine, because who plays videogames in Japan? Probably no one, right? Yeah, probably no one. (note: YES THE CONSOLE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE IN JAPAN AT LAUNCH)

The Games

Looking On the Bright Side of the Xbox One

Microsoft's game line-up right now seems to lack a "killer app." I mean, sure, they'll have the next Call of Duty – but so will everyone. They'll have some Rome game that looks like a series of QuickTime Events. They have a realistic car racing game, because there certainly aren't enough of those. And they have a Killer Instinct game, because they figured the one Rare franchise literally no one has any nostalgia for would be a solid launch title. But you know what it DOES have?

DEAD RISING 3.

Now, you're probably saying – "So what? It looks like a thousand other zombie games. It's a third-person zombie brawler. It's bringing literally nothing new to the genre at all, while games like The Last of Us on the current generation of consoles are already exploring new ways to approach the concept of post-apocalyptic zombies and expand upon the gameplay possibilities in ways that the Dead Rising franchise couldn't dream of." And to that I say…

Wow, shit, that was pretty convincing. I mean…shit.

Nevermind.