After their father dying in a mysterious war, the most important moment in any trainer's life is choosing their first Pokemon. Will they take the seed-shooting Bulbasaur, the water-spouting Squirtle, or the fire-breathing Charmander? Each one brings a different set of advantages and challenges for the road ahead.

In fact, you can learn a lot about a person based on their first Pokemon.


Personality: Much like the half-dinosaur/half-plant itself, Bulbasaur trainers are a paradox. They're calm, yet emotional. They're defensive, yet always ready for a fight. They're brave, but stubborn. They drive hybrid cars, but they don't wear seat belts. Of all three trainers, they are the most sensitive and the least predictable. They masturbate a lot.

Work: Bulbasaur trainers are skilled at their jobs, but ask for way too much time off to explore their interests. You might catch them at their desk daydreaming, but they'll always stay late if you ask. Warning: they steal food from the fridge because it's been there forever and they thought no one would mind.

Romance: Don't be insulted when a Bulbasaur trainer asks to split the bill. Splitting things is just who they are. They'll always watch your favorite movie with you, but text through the whole thing and act like it's not a big deal. Of the three, Bulbasaur trainers are the best in bed, but get ready for a whole lot of weeping.


Personality: Squirtle! Squirtle trainers always cheerful. Squirtle! They're the life of the party. Squirtle! They remembered your birthday and made you a card and a scarf even though you're barely friends. Squirtle! Sometimes they can get a bit annoying. Squirtle! They might not be great at picking up social cues, but they always mean well. Squirtle! They might be dead inside. Squirtle!

Work: Get ready for a lot of pictures of kittens and inspirational posters on the walls of a Squirtle trainer's cubicle. They bring in cookies they made at home and really think you should try one. Sometimes they'll come in work a bit late smelling like alcohol and mistakes, but what can you do, it's Monday! They organize the company picnic and will not stop sending you e-mails about it.

Romance: Good news, a Squirtle trainer will 100% have sex with you on the first date. Bad news, a Squirtle trainer will 100% tell you they love you on the first date.


Personality: Charmander trainers will succeed at life whether you want them to or not, nerd. Destructive and confident like the fire they wield, Charmander trainers are the alphas in any group of friends. Want to go to the library and study? Too bad: the Charmander trainer has decided everyone's getting drunk at the Pike party.

Work: Confident and douchey, Charmander trainers have upper-management written all over them. They need you to work weekends and they want that report on their desk yesterday. Don't worry about the meeting at noon - they'll handle the big report, often taking credit from you because they were the project leader anyway. By the way, Tanya, nice dress.

Romance: Seriously do not drink anything a Charmander trainer gives you.