GIF of the Day
7 Lame Follow-ups to Famous Games
July 19, 2010
In "Grand Theft Auto: Car Salesman" you control a corpulent and aging Niko Bellic. After serving 25 years in prison for killing a prostitute with the skull of another prostitute- you use your underground connections and mild alcoholism to run a failing car dealership. Try and convince customers that your break pads are "totally fine," (they aren't). Take the L-train home and use button combos to microwave dinners-for-one. Tap "A" to fall asleep while watching "
". Use your Blackberry to make sure you don't miss your prostate exam.
"Baby on board" has never been so fun or destructive! In this exciting sequel, you take the reins of one of a series of affordable, family oriented cars. Take your newborn to various children's museums, movies, and other places they'll probably vomit on you. Use right and left bumpers for signaling turns. For more exciting action, swivel the right joystick to look for lost animal crackers in the back seat. When you get home, hit buttons at the right time to agree with your wife that you're both "a little too tired for sex."
The thrilling "Total War" series continues with the "Jimmy Carter Era." You control America, as she cuts military spending and suffers from crushing stagflation. Diplomacy is key in this latest sequel- as you use your soft-spoken suggestions to thwart Islamic militants in Iran. Write enthralling apologies as you botch military operations and grow less and less confident in your ability to rule! Help the most powerful nation in the world look as impotent as possible in "Jimmy Carter: Total War."
Continue the excitement after the events of "Call of Duty 4- Black Ops." Control a Vietnam Veteran as he tries to adjust to normal life. Use the directional pad for advanced conversation controls as you try to convince your high-school sweetheart to marry you. Put in hours of work at the Steel Mill to try forget about the terrors of war. Make as much money as possible before your job is outsourced to Japan. Alternate "A" and "B" buttons to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Deflect questions about the war from your 8-year-old son! Have a beer at a bar with your buddies- and use special combos to try and avoid talking about the Nam. Call a cab because you're too drunk to drive!
Control Isaac Clarke on route to his latest horror-filled destination. Ingest various nutrients and pills in preparation for being cryogenically frozen- using an all new physics engine. Crawl into your cryostasis chamber- and then proceed to be frozen for a few months. Advanced "waiting" game mode allows you to wait along with Isaac. Wake up from stasis and feel groggy. With state of the art graphics- your vision is blurry along with Isaac's- until you wipe the sleep from your eyes. Try and move your atrophied legs as you make your way to the toilet! Pee!
Continue your vicious dealings with the Locust Horde as Marcus Fenix. This new title places you in the middle of the action as you realize that the entire war was "one big misunderstanding." Take mandatory "ethnic awareness" classes as Marcus, as you learn to accept the Locust as equals. In a new mini-game mode, you get to hit on your psychiatrist as she tries to figure out "why you always want to chainsaw everything." Use your Lancer's saw to build houses for refugees in peacetime. Instead of combat, "Gears of War 4: Tolerance" uses the new "Tolerate" system, where you try to hide your disappointment when your daughter tells you she's dating a Locust. Try to act in a non-threatening manner as members of the Horde move in next door!
Your favorite Kombatants return with only one thing in mind- bloodshed! Take control of Baraka, Scorpion, Reptile, Jax- as you go to the doctor to figure out your blood type, whether it be B positive, green stuff, or oil (we're lookin' at you Sektor). Switch combat styles and try to avoid calling the nurse a b*tch when she misses your vein and hits your bone (if you have them). Using the new Dead Space "grogginess" engine you stumble back to your car with your free shirt and stale cookie. Press "Y" to take a bite of your cookie- and then decide you should've asked for a mug instead of the shirt. You know you can't fit into a medium shirt. Settle- just like you always do- and drive back to your loft downtown- alone.
call of duty
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