The Slut: Metroid

Maybe it stems from mommy-issues, but something about the combination of alcohol and dark lighting makes your friend turn into a parasitic monster with a deadly desire to suck face. Metroids will show up at the bar wearing their sexiest outfit, ready to latch onto pretty much anything that moves. And once they're done draining the life out of one victim, they just float to the next, with no shred of decency or self-restraint. They're somehow able to identify and attack the weakest-willed, so make sure you have your defenses up. Unless, of course, you want the Metroid to have their way with you. Just make sure you have a recovery plan ready, because the next morning may not be so pretty.

The Alcoholic: Pac-Man

Pac-Man has been drinking for what seems like forever (read: the eighties). He's got one goal and one goal only: get messed up. Just point him in the direction of a beverage and he'll drink it. Beer, wine, cherry-flavored vodka, whatever. If it's alcoholic and it's within chomping distance, he'll put it in his mouth. Pac-Man's so dead-set on getting obliterated that the only way to have a conversation with him is to chase him into a corner and force him to talk to you.

Another downside? He won't stop until he passes out or dies, so he'll drink you under the table until there's gross strawberry-banana vomit on the floor. Pac-Man might have been fun back in the day, but piece of advice? Only go out with him if you're really, really bored.

The Crier: Slippy Toad

Here we go again. Slippy gets one or two drinks in and he starts acting all weepy and sentimental. You know, the kind of conversations that just go back and forth about how good of friends you are and how you couldn't survive without each other. This guy just cannot hold his alcohol. Oh, but don't say anything to him about it -- drunk Slippy is super-sensitive and one false move could send you down the difficult path of trying to keep him from flat out sobbing right there in the bar. You deserve a medal for putting up with this drunken crybaby's calls for attention. Actually, now that you think about it, Slippy's always asking for attention, drunk or otherwise.

The Strong Silent Type: Gordon Freeman

Not everyone you hang out with at the bar needs to be a Chatty Cathy or a Talkative Tingle. If you just want someone to listen while you pound beers and vent about your shitty day dealing with terrible co-workers, call Gordon. He'll patiently listen to your frustrations about your work, your love life, and heck, even your crazy, alcohol-fueled government cover-up conspiracy theories. Anything you want to talk about, Dr. Freeman has two ears and nothing but time to hear what you've got to say. Just don't expect any response; this doctor's prescription for any and all problems is the silent treatment.

The Wingman: Tetra

If you're a guy looking for a good wingman, there's no better option than a member of the fairer sex. And if you want the best female wingman, call Tetra. She's brash, wild, and feels at home surrounded by stupid, brawny guys, so A: you'll like hanging out with her all night, and B: she knows exactly what you're looking for, sometimes even before you do. She's also braver than most guys, so she's not afraid to dive into the dangerous world of dating. You have an unspoken loyalty and she'll always be there to help in a clutch.