3) 3D Retro Excitebike (Excitebike 64)

When I play an Excitebike game, I'm only concerned with two things: not overheating, and driving in a straight line. 10 new motocross games come out every year that feature winding tracks and extreme stunts. They can have them. All I want to do is drive on a linear path that bounces up and down like a sine wave. While Excitebike 64 may have ignored this desire for the main portion of the game, by beating a round of challenges you can unlock Excitebike 3D mode. Excitebike 3D allows you to play new 3D versions of the original Excitebike courses. That's all I wanted when I heard there was an Excitebike 64. The only problem is that I have to play this new mediocre Excitebike to get to it. My $60 wasn't enough, Nintendo? I also have to prove myself worthy of this fun game mode? Excuse me, I'm going to play Motocross Madness 2 while my little brother unlocks it for me.

2) Anaconda (Timesplitters 2)

Timesplitters 2 was made by the same people that made Goldeneye. So yes, it's good. I have a hard time explaining why the four-player Snake game hidden within it is better, but I've had way more intense matches racing for those apples than I ever had fighting with machine guns. All they did was take the Snake game that lived on everyone's cell phone or calculator at some point, add multiplayer and 360 degree movement, and voila. Sorry, Timesplitters 2. You were great, but sometimes the simplest games are the best.

1) Gnat Attack (Mario Paint)

Gnat Attack is fun. It's simple. It's challenging. It's a great throwback to classic score-attack games like Galaga. It may be the best mini game of all time. None of that matters. Gnat Attack surpasses the rest of Mario Paint simply by being the only thing in it that resembles a game. I like Mario Paint a lot, but when I turn on my SNES I'm not thinking about making great art. I want to get my game on. I'll spend 20 minutes drawing stick figures and experimenting with the different ways to blow up my picture. I'll put random dogs and babies into the music generator. It always comes back to Gnat Attack, though. All those other features are just ways to kill time in my quest to slay Watinga, the giant robo-fly final boss. You hear that, you robot insect bastard? You shall haunt this grid no longer!