Oh, hey. Sorry, couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. It's no contest. First, I'm the fire guy. Fire is the coolest. Your other option is water, which is the element fish crap in. And grass? Get real. You want a fire-breathing KO machine, not a chia pet. Second, I'm f**king adorable. I look like Babe got hot and heavy with a flamethrower and made one cute, kickass pokemon baby. Meanwhile Oshawott looks like a snowcone that gets picked last for kickball and Snivy is some stuck-up plant lizard. Do you want to stare at those disgusting faces for the next 12 levels? Stick with the best, my friend, and burn down the rest.


I know I look like a messed up clown badger, but hear me out: Your friends are going to pick Tepig. He's adorable AND he shoots fire. But you know what's better than being cute? Being victorious. If you want to win, you're going to need to extinguish the flame pig. So unless they create a stop, drop, and roll pokemon, I'm your best bet. And Snivy? Honestly, if you're thinking of choosing him I'm not going to try to reason with you. He's a smug houseplant. Just draw a sh*tty smile on a fern.


Look at me. I exude confidence. Have you ever seen a more confident looking pokemon? Because if you did, honestly, that would just kill me. I get an attack called "Giga Drain." You think someone using "Water Gun" stands a chance? Supersoakers are for kids. Grass pokemon are for- well, I guess they're kinda for kids too. Not that I'm insinuating that all people who play Pokemon are kids or that you're immature or anything. Please don't be offended. I just…I just want this so bad. Need this so bad.
Please don't let them put me back in the ball.