I've never played any Fire Emblem games. I do not know Ike's backstory. All I know is his sword sounds like a truck when it hits people and that is satisfying as hell. Do Marth or Link's swords make truck noises when they hit people? No, they make regular sword sounds. Boooring! Take that realistic junk somewhere else. This is super SMASH bros not Super Cuts (the normal hair store for basic bozos). Seriously though, try and play with one of those other sword guys after using Ike. You'll be all "who replaced my badass jugger-knight with this weak garbage?" Whether he is dashing clear across the stage, swinging his truck sword in a gigantic unstoppable arc, or just straight up punching someone in the face, Ike is a G. D. ####### ###. Also, he fights for his friends (which I think is just what he calls his probably enormous balls). Pick Ike or get trucked.
Up until Brawl, Peach was my go-to. Her fancy floating and cheerful-but-deadly hip checks were a potent combo for trolling heavier and faster characters alike. However, it's time for Peach to step aside and let Palutena take her place as the leader of the "Women Kicking Ass in Beautiful Dresses" Club (Sorry Samus). With Palutena you get all the joy of the floating femme fatale with the added bonus of a decently heavy hitter who isn't fucking around even a little bit. Not only does she have several incredibly powerful, long-reaching smash attacks, she's super speedy and can utterly embarrass her opponents with warps and counters alike. Also she can create a giant reflective wall at will, which makes it super-easy to pull of my personal favorite Smash move: "Laughing Loudly as Your Friend Accidentally Kills Himself."
The great thing about Smash Bros. is that it's a game series I can love wholeheartedly while simultaneously being consistently awful at. I am terrible playing against other actual people - I have no idea when to block, whatever "ledge-protecting" is, and... well, I end up dying a whole lot is the point. I can't use quick characters, because they're genuinely 2quick4me and I end up running off a lot of ledges. So I like big, bulky characters - namely King Dedede, who's size makes it a little harder to smash away, and who has some great (if slow) moves. The odds of me hitting someone INTENTIONALLY are not good - so I'll usually set up one of Dedede's smash moves, and there's usually like a 1 in 10 chance someone will accidentally walk into it.
Also, the announcer saying "King DE-DE-DE!" in the incredibly unlikely scenario that I win anything is the best.
I don't Smash. Never have. I wasn't a console kid, and any attempt at playing Smash ended in nothing but humiliation and defeat. But I have taken that frustration, internalized it, and compressed it into a glowing orange orb of perfect, violent hatred. A hatred that echoes deep into eternity, a reverberant howl that will shake loose even the firmest turd within your scaredy-cat bowels. That's why my preferred Smash character, is Me. "Mii."
In order to maintain accuracy, my Mii would reflect my years of training in Kenpo Karate, Chun Kuk Do, Krav Maga, and Prison-Yard Machete Fencing. My Mii would feel no mercy, no remorse. My Mii would know that the sweet and sickening sound of snapping bones means "keep going, press harder, make them pay." My Mii would not be above fighting dirty, like feeding rat poison-filled chocolate to the Duck Hunt Dog, or hiring a gang of meth-addicted drifters to hold Little Mac's family hostage. How important is winning, Mac, if you have no family to go back to? My Mii would be an Extremely Bad Man, and to be frank, I'd expect to win most my matches by default when my coward competition just doesn't show u--
OH COME ON, CHEAP!!!!! MY CONTROLLER ISN'T WORKING, I WASN'T READY! REMATCH!!! REMATCH!!!!!!
Samus. What makes her powerful is her super awesome, super round, super powered armor suit, right?
Even out of the suit this woman is kicking some serious butt. "HOW?! She doesn't have her cool suit anymore?" you ask. She's a badass bounty hunter so she has to have it all. Fighting skills, a cool gun, a whip thingy, and jet heels. JET HEELS. Now, I don't know how many of you have tried walking in heels but when I try, I look like a new born baby giraffe who's drunk on the horrible realization that it just came out of another living thing. Not only does Samus manage to walk around in those heels (wearing a suit that I'm guessing doesn't make moving super comfortable) but she fights in those! Planning on jumping? BACK IT UP WITH JETS. Planning on kicking an opponent in the face? BACK IT UP WITH JETS. Gotta get to a guy who is just out of your range? USE YOUR JETS TO FLIP JUMP KICK THEM INTO THE GROUND. Jets not enough for you? How about a plasma whip? Hit people from afar! "But it's not a gun". Don't worry, she has a gun too! It doesn't shoot normal bullets but instead, stuns the enemy. What's the benefit of that? To make sure you get the satisfaction of kicking with those jet boots! Is she fast? Hells yeah! Bounty hunters have to be fast to get those bounties! Kick ass in style... and in jet boots.
In my estimation, the best Smash character is the one that can incite the purest, most unbridled rage in your opponent when you beat them, and no character does that better than the adorable Villager from Animal Crossing.
Nothing feels worse than getting your ass handed to you by this lovable doof that doesn't seem to be actively trying to fight you in any way. He shoots off fireworks, he plants trees, sometimes he trips and drops things, and by all accounts it seems like he's doing his best to ignore his opponents and have a good time all by himself.
I mean, it's either that, or he's some kind of sociopathic killer who remains unmoved by the pain and suffering of others.
But, that couldn't be the case... Could it?
Forget for a minute that Bowser got a speed and damage upgrade in Smash 4. The important thing to remember is that his side-B move is still the instantaneous and binding suicide pact known as the Flying Slam:
So what's to stop you from picking the kamikazable Donkey Kong or Ganondorf, you ask? Well, the easy explanation is that those characters are hot garbage and wouldn't have the tools necessary to compete even if they had an unlimited supply of assist trophies. Barring that, say you're interested in some personality cake to go with your fighting beef. Let me introduce you to Dad Bowser.
The mug you see dead center is the villain of the Mario series, yes, but he's also obviously a caring father. Would a deadbeat parent match that sharp jacket with those sensible glasses? Obviously not. A vote against Bowser is a vote against all those single dads just trying to make it out there. Without your support, he and the Koopa Kids are going to have no other choice than to eat Lemmy.
Kirby's been there for me since the beginning. When I started playing Super Smash Bros, I was 9 years old and Kirby was everything I loved: a roundhouse kick expert and pink. What makes Kirby so special is his ability to adapt other players' skills. He's like the Mystique of Dream Land. How does he do this? By swallowing his opponents. It's a great signature move. It's silly and non-violent. I mean, let's be honest, it looks fun to be inside Kirby. Yeah, I said it. It looks fun to be inside Kirby. Perhaps my feelings for Kirby have developed over time. We started out as childhood friends and now, we're so much more than that.
One of the last characters revealed, Duck Hunt's lore is drawing on literally one game that didn't even have a story. They are the mystery box of the Smash Roster and we all are compelled to peak inside. Why are they friends? What dark alliance was reached that duck and dog would join forces? As a fighter, there's so much to love. They're not too slow, not too weak, and they can summon pixelated banditos into existence. Their Final Smash is a cinematic John Woo reference. And MOST IMPORTANTLY of all, using the oil can B special is like playing a game of Flappy Bird that actually accomplishes something. That something is a sick explosion.
The official voting period has ended. See the results below.
Total Votes: 220,810
Score = wins / total matches (recalculated every 5 minutes)