I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the chances of you meeting porn star Jenna Haze, supermodel Heidi Klum, or actress Eva Longoria to do the nasty in real life are slim to none. That's why we have pictures on the Internet and locks on our bedroom doors. But there is another upside to this fact we nerds can use to our advantage: if anyone thought your unhealthy obsession over that infamous Lara Croft nude hack made you creepy, feel free to point out that your chances of meeting the shapely Ms. Croft are just about the same as those mentioned above.
In other words, it's totally cool to fantasize about fictional people. And I'm gonna add some fuel to that fire of passion with this sultry list of sexy video game characters. Bow chicka wow wow!
5. (Women) Morrigan Aesland Darkstalkers
Morrigan is a succubus. Okay? She's a succubus. For those that don't know, that means she's a demon whose entire purpose is to infiltrate dreams in the guise of a beautiful woman and have sex with sleeping men in order to steal their manpower (if you know what I mean) and make more demons. However, since, according to legend, demons are infertile, what they actually do is act as sexy tupperware for semen by carting it over to a sleeping human female, transforming into their male counterpart, the incubus, and impregnating them with the stolen sperm. Or they might not, and just give you the most terrifying nocturnal emission you've ever had.
Sadly, while Morrigan is one of the most sexually appealing characters in all of video game history with her come hither looks, sinfully good taste in clothing, and massive uh, wings her kind was basically the best excuse horny teenagers could come up with for why Mom found stains in the laundry. And despite the proliferation of hot succubi imagery that abounds on the Internet, classic artists pictured them more like this in their true form, and H.R. Giger envisioned Lilith, one of the first succubi, looking like this. Yeah, try to put that into a leotard.
All games need conflict. Most of the time the player's objective is blocked by several thousand faceless, nameless mooks throwing themselves in the path of danger with all the fervor of a headless chicken. But behind those mooks lies the antagonist, the figure that has been working against the hero all along. The best rivalry showdowns are between two solitary figures, foils of one another. These are the kinds of rivalries the player waits the entire game (or series) to settle once and for all. Here are some of the best one-on-one showdowns in gaming history.
7. Solid Snake vs. Liquid Snake in Metal Gear Solid
Cut from the same clothor rather, grown from the same Petri dishSolid and Liquid are both clones of the same super-soldier. Liquid Snake was created from all the best aspects of the cold-war hero Big Boss, while Solid Snake was made from the inferior genes of the same man. However, because the American government couldn't justify keeping a soldier with such a sinister British accent on staff, Solid Snake became the series' hero, and the perfect-on-paper Liquid was kept from his birthright. Believing himself to be the genetically weak twin, Liquid's inferiority complex drives him to do what any of us would, take over a secret Alaskan military base and hijack a doomsday device.
Snake (the solid one) must wind his way through Liquid's facility, defeat an animal-themed squad of super soldiers and disarm Metal Gear, a nuclear-powered robot T-Rex (did I mention this was a Japanese game?). But before Snake can hang up his skin-tight rubber jumpsuit and call it a night, the two rivals settle their dispute the way they both knew they inevitably had to: a man-to-man fist-fight on the head of a metallic dinosaur's corpse. Never change, Japan.
Let's get one thing out of the way first: Rockstar makes awesome games. But when a company has such a high pedigree, sometimes we can be blinded to the things they don't do so well. Here's our list of the six things Rockstar's most-amazing games still need to work on.
6. Commitment to Realism Over Fun
In real life, you're not suppose camp within 100 feet of a trail. You're not supposed set up your tent on top of living plants, and it's in your best interest to sleep on a level surface. I understand why all of those things are important in real life. I don't understand why they're enforced before you can quick travel in Red Dead Redemption.
Rockstar games are usually referred to as sandbox games. I'd say they're closer to playgrounds. The insane level of realism creates a miniature version of reality to play in. They do a great job. It's why driving on the sidewalk in GTA is so fun. Sometimes, though, they get carried away. At some point realism gets too close to reality, which is boring.
Here is a small sample of things I don't enjoy doing in real life, let alone in a videogame: getting tired after running a short distance, going to a store and finding out it's closed, delivering pizzas, working out. If I thought working out was fun, I wouldn't be playing a videogame.
As long as mankind has stood on dry land, we have looked up at the sky and wondered, "Shit, dude, how cool would floating islands be?" While science and technology continue to fail us day after day, videogames have come through to stoke our imaginations with images of our ultimate aspiration: to live among the clouds. In the spirit of that lofty ideal, here's our list of the greatest floating islands in video games.
8. Skyloft (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword)
The only way living on a series of floating islands could ever be construed as a safe idea is if you don't actually know that solid ground exists beneath you. Luckily for Link, Zelda, and the other inhabitants of Skyloft, a life surrounded by nothing but a sea of clouds (and of course the ever-present threat of death by freefall) is all they've ever known. As a result, the people of Skyloft appear to be both prideful, brave, and severely ignorant. Possessing the Triforce of Courage doesn't really seem that impressive when one of the main hobbies for Skyloft youth appears to be jumping off cliffs and then hoping that one of the island's indigenous giant birds will break your fall. Eventually, Link makes his way to the surface world of Hyrule, but can travel back to Skyloft using the Skyward Sword at any time. We can only hope he uses this ability to help drastically reduce Skyloft's ultra-high mortality rate among wandering blind people.
9. Excitebike (Excitebike)
No list of awesome videogame motorcycles would be complete without the classic pixelated motocross simulator featured in pizza parlors across the country. It usually came as a twofer with Super Mario Bros., but that was just a decoy to keep the other kids away from the screen where true red-blooded 9-year-old motorcycle fanatics could hold court.
Sure, the bikes themselves aren't that great. They overheat and stall out if you so much as brush up against the throttle. But for those fleeting moments after you launch your bike off a giant ramp, as you soar over the rest of the pack like a majestic two-stroke eagle, all those engine troubles are forgotten. And nothing surpasses the pleasure of overtaking that speedy blue asshole & clipping his front tire, forcing him into a brutal head-over-handlebars tumble. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this was the first Nintendo game where trying to give your opponent a spinal injury was a key part of the gameplay.
In the early days of video gaming, fancy outfits were not an option. The Space Invaders were as indecent as they were violent, and Pac-Man made his rounds with his pellets hanging out. As time wore on and graphics got better, this simply wouldn't do, and characters needed real costumes and outfits.
Among video game outfits, there's perhaps none more revered than the suit. Be it a fancy dining jacket, or a metal suit with special powers, suits are one of the cornerstones of video game character design. Here is our celebration of the greatest videogame suits.
10. Suit (Tim, Braid)
Most of the "greatest suits" in video game history are suits that have some effect on gameplay. The suit worn by Tim, main character of Braid, is not one of these. While it has no bearing on the character's powers (unless it's a time travel suit and I missed something, but I doubt it, because the dinosaur didn't mention it, and I trust that guy), it does give the game an interesting, classy aesthetic. There's something endearing about a character going through a big, messy adventure who insists on wearing a suit, like a tiny pixelated Christopher Nolan.
9. OctoCamo Suit (Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid 4)
Throughout the Metal Gear Solid series, Snake has had a variety of interesting suits, ranging from an unlockable tuxedo to a cardboard box, but perhaps the most useful suit worn by Snake is the "OctoCamo" from MGS4. This suit, given to him by Otacon (who else?), is a smart camouflage that can blend into any environment, and even match the temperature of the surrounding area. As you might expect, this makes a sneaking mission much easier. In fact, a little too easy. Wow, I just lost all respect for Snake. It's like he's not even trying anymore. (Just like Kojima. Boom, roasted.)
Betrayals are great plot motivators in video games. Or developers seem to think so, because at least one member of any given game's cast inevitably just hangs around on your side long enough to crap in your salad. A lot of betrayals don't make much sense. Or they come out of nowhere. Or worse still, they're so predictable that they the only one surprised is the moron protagonist. But every once in a while, a game comes along and pens an act of duplicity so daring that it manages to shake the foundations of everything you thought you knew. Here are seven such moments. Oh, and at least one of these games is from the past year, so:
7. StarCraft Arcturus Mengsk
It's hard to peg Starcraft as sweeping epic of the human condition, what with the countless marines you so casually throw into the meat grinder just to delay an opponent's expansion. But the campaign of the first Starcraft painted a pretty bleak picture of advanced space-politics. The Confederacy has an iron-grip on human activity across dozens of planets. Even as two alien races emerge to challenge human dominance, colonial oppression runs deep. You turn to Arcturus Mengsk, a cunning strategist and master of oratory to liberate your species in the sector. Mengsk, his Lieutenant Sarah Kerrigan and the nameless commander controlled by the player are able to strike a few key victories against the Confederacy.
But ol' Arcturus has a few more plans than just easing living conditions under Confederate rule. Manipulating the two new aliens, Mengsk wipes out an entire planet, leaving his second-in-command for dead in the process. After Mengsk's betrayal, no human force in the galaxy has the strength to challenge him. And after supplanting the Confederacy, his government proves to be just as intrusive and just as brutal.
Seeing as how LulzSec recently ended their hacker crasher cruise, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and fill the lulz/asshole void. So allow me, dear readers, to be your troll for a day. Allow me to show you the way things are, as heartless and cruel as you like it. Here are seven promised videogame sequels that, as much as you might want them, will probably never come to be.
That's right. Cry. Cry, and fuel my list of torment. For it begins with
7. Psychonauts 2
To be fair, we could make a list entirely out of Tim Schafer projects alone, but Psychonauts holds a special place in gamers' hearts and minds (see what I did there?). The first game followed Raz as he climbed the ranks from cadet to Psychonaut, all the while unraveling a conspiracy amongst the camp counselors who were supposed to be helping him. Just as he finally sorts out his powers, and an exciting new psychic crisis presents itself, the game ends. The cliffhanger practically begs for a sequel, and Schafer himself said back in November 2010 he was ""ready" for a Psychonauts 2.":http://www.computerandvideogames.com/275156/news/psychonauts-2-tim-schafer-is-ready-to-do-it/
He seemed pretty proud of his cult classic, saying that, "Over the years it's gotten into the hands of a lot of people, through being two dollars on Steam for a while, and being pirated [empahsis added]," and that, " if all these people were going to buy the sequel it would be a big hit."
Oh, yeah! If only all those pirates you know, people who steal shit would just buy the game, maybe it would be a big hit! C'mon, publishers, what's holding you back from a business proposal like that? And think of all the merchandising you can do with this cuddly cast of characters.
Not all video games have the benefit of million-dollar advertising campaigns and giant corporate monoliths to shove them forward into the spotlight. And not every gamer has $60 to drop on a triple-A title. But if you look around, you'll find plenty of small scale operations churning out gaming gold at little or no cost to you. Here are six of the best homemade games that you need to be playing.
6. Sleep is Death
What is the object of Sleep is Death? I can't tell you. No, not because I'm a dick. It's because it depends. It depends on who you're playing with. Sleep is Death is unique in that one player plays as the player, and the other player plays as the game. The game will be unique every time because of the person playing as your game.
Hold on. I know what you're thinking: This sounds pretty artsy fartsy pants. You're right. Sleep is Death is artsy. It was made by Jason Rohrer. You may be familiar with Rohrer's previous game, Passage, where you walk towards the right side of the screen until you grow old and die. Don't let that discourage you; this game's a lot more fun.
Sleep is Death is a point and click adventure on it's surface, but what you're really doing is working with a friend to create a story. It's kind of like Dungeons and Dragons, if Dungeons and Dragons didn't have any real rules or goals. Not only can this result in some pretty ridiculous scenarios, but the 30 second turn limit practically enforces it.
It's hard to even call Sleep is Death a game. It's more a fun creative outlet. The learning curve for playing as the omniscient game-god is rough, but I recommend giving it a shot. The experience is wholly unlike any other video game. The only limit is your imagination! Only for real, not like when we say that to little kids.
Buy Sleep is Death (pay what you want)
Pick any schmo off the street and they can easily rattle off every one's favorite video game teams: Mario and Luigi. Rachet and Clank. Sonic and Tails. Mega Man and Rush. Kong and his Diddy. But what about some of the lesser appreciated duos? The teams of two putting their collective necks on the live to better our lives? Here's our tribute to gaming's most under-appreciated tag teams.
6. A Boy and His Blob The Boy and his Blob
A boy. A blob. A sh*tload of jellybeans. Endless possibilities.
Anything the boy wanted, the blob delivered. You need to climb some stuff? I'm your ladder. Feed me some tangerine jellybeans, you got yourself a trampoline. Got a hankerin' to rocket off into space? It'll cost you something root beer flavored.
These two could do it all and they did it through friendship: the most powerful flavored jellybean of them all. Not to mention, I can't think of many characters that can actually complete an entire NES game in under 10 mins.