Filed Under » rollercoaster

Today I had the extreme misfortune of attending the 1-year anniversary of the amusement park, “Tootsie’s Cabaret.” Not only is it not amusing in the slightest, but I’m pretty sure it’s a concentration camp and I’m shocked that I made it out alive.

I entered the park around 10 am for the modest fee of $5. The first ride I went on was a rollercoaster called “Tits” which basically goes around in a circle without ever leaving the ground. I am utterly shocked at how popular this ride is.

After; I waited in line for about 5 hours for the ride, “Death Jump.” Here’s where things got weird. Installers removed a critical piece of the track without stopping the ride, so the next train that went flew off the track and exploded in mid-air.

Death Count: 20

Getting out of line immediately, I realized I hadn’t eaten yet so I decided to get some food. I walk over to the cheeseburger stall and inquire how much for a cheeseburger. The man illuminates me to the fact that all food and drinks in the park are apparently only 10 cents. So naturally I eat and drink as much as I can.

Then I find I need to use the facilities, so I head to the nearest bathroom. $5,000 dollars. The bathroom costs $5,000 dollars to use. I really had to go and I saw no other alternative so I paid the exorbitant amount, which I now utterly regret. During all this I heard that 10 people had drowned in a small pond 300 square meters away. How they got there is still a mystery to me

Death Count: 30