Article Pwn Up: Filmographics

By Jake Young / December 30, 2013

Pwn Up: Filmographics

Hey Dorkly, here's a Christmas story I hope makes its way into Pwn Up. Enjoy!


Every year my brother and I exchange a notoriously bad old school videogame for Christmas as a gag gift. This year, I thought I would step it up and give him the gift he really wanted. 

Anyway keep doing awesome work and have a great holiday!




- Richard

Filed Under   movies   pwn my life   pwn up   simpsons

Article Pwn Up: Bwnus Edition

By Andrew Bridgman / December 30, 2013

We love Pwn Up and reading tons and tons of weird, funny nerdy stories. But, with any submission-based thing, there are some baaaaaaaad submissions. And not just "horrible spelling/grammar" bad submissions - just odd, obviously awful submissions that no one should have even considered sending in, but did anyways. These are just a small sampling of the worst ones. Enjoy!


Pwn Up: Bwnus Edition


The "Horrible Significant Other, I Mean Seriously" Award goes to...

A friend invited me and my girlfriend travel on a wekend to her country house with all expenses payed, we where very excited to go on our first trip together, but as it turned out the wekend was the same as the pre-launch of Guild Wars 2, I had already bought the game on pre order and already joined a Hardcore PVP guild just ancionsly waiting on the game, a convicide my girlfriend to decline the trip just so I can play the pre-launch. Still waiting on the game and on her breaking up with me, still worth it.



The "This Is a Bad Metaphor, Please Stop Using This Metaphor" Award goes to...

My girlfriend likes it when I go Super Saiyan on her. The problem is, I can only hold it for less than two minutes. Six months ago she told me to go Super Saiyan, I was doing pretty well- stamina was high, I was still in good form. I figured I should take it to next level, finish her once and for all with the finale by ascending to Super Saiyan 2.She's now six months pregnant.



The "Please Stop It With These Metaphors For Sex, Also Never Ever Type 'Twas' When Making These Metaphors" Award goes to...

I started to date my actual girfriend around the same time I bought Zelda, Skyward Sword. When I sleept for the first time in her house, hours before I was in a big marathon playing the game. After our fist time, I completely pass ou of tiredsome. Then, in the middle of the night, she wake up and started to hump on me, to pass her hands between my legs... Meanwhyle, I was dreaming with Skyward Sword, but, of course, I had sex with her anyway. The thing is, in my mind I was Link making a adventure in a dungeon, and I was making my way to her legs, breast, her ass... as if I was making progress in a map. Every time I did a "achievment", 'twas like I was listening to the jingle of new intens/openning chests. Her vag, actually, I saw as a dungeon boss that I defeated it with my Master Sword. Even so, 'twas one of the best performances of my life.



The "Why Did You Send This To Pwn Up?" Award goes to...

So the first time i had sex with my girlfriend we were cuddling afterwards and i pick up my iPhone and go to You-tube and played "I Just had Sex" by the Lonely Island. We both sat in bed and sung it trying not to wake our housemates.



The "Holy Crap, That Is Seriously Not a Healthy Way To Deal With Your Issues" Award goes to...

I'm a huge fan of Fallout 3, and I was a huge fan of my now ex-girlfriend. So, being the genius I am I made my character look exactly like her. I use to feel bad when she would explode, or drown, or be shot at, or burned alive. But now, since she dumped me my favorite pass time is watching her die in the most gruesome ways.


Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: The Ghosts of Christmas Presents

By Jake Young / December 23, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail. This week the theme was tales of Christmas memories, which inevitably turned into an in-depth look of the psychological maelstrom that is "Christmas Morning".


It was Christmas 2000, Pokemon Gold and Silver had just come out and it was all that I wanted. As me and my siblings are opening presents my brother got his game boy color and copy of gold. I was so excited, when it was my turn to open my copy of silver... Only the game isn't in there. It's socks...

I couldn't find my game anywhere. Everyone moves on and I am devastated. Finally after hours of torment my mom tells me to check the bottom of a shoe box. They had put in a fake bottom to hide my game and game boy.

Pwn Up: Ghosts of Christmas Presents

To this day I still feel weird around Christmas because of those few harrowing moments that I "almost didn't get Pokemon".


Filed Under   christmas   pwn my life   pokemon   pwn up   gifts

Article Pwn Up: Winter is Here

By Jake Young / December 16, 2013

Pwn Up: Winter is Here

"I'm not wearing hockey pads- oh wait maybe I am. Nevermind"


Last February my Scout group went to the Northern Tier High Adventure Base in Minnesota to go dog-sledding. We were six miles from Canada, and it was COLD. Being from Louisiana, many of us had never seen snow before. The thing that made that trip for me was the last day we were there when I got to finally set my plan in motion. That morning I let everyone else go ahead of me before and then grabbed the outfit I had carried with me the whole trip. I had become THE BATMAN. I showed up to breakfast doing my best gravelly Christian Bale voice, saying things like "Where is breakfast? WHERE IS IT?!" or "The staff guide... Can he be trusted?" I kept this up throughout the rest of the day until it was time to leave. A lot of my friends say the best part was when we went out onto the frozen lake and my cape started billowing in the wind. I had a blast, and was making Batman references the whole time. So no-one will ever be able to beat my story from Mardi Gras 2013, because nobody else went dog-sledding in a Batman suit.

Filed Under   pwn my life   snow   pwn up   winter

Article Pwn Up: When You Wish Upon a Card

By Jake Young / December 9, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.



Pwn Up: When You Wish Upon a Card


In 9th grade I attended a Christian school and my friends and I were really into playing with Yu-gi-oh! cards as a retro throwback. We'd bust out our old decks at school and play whenever we could. This lasted until the principle decided that Yu-gi-oh! wasn't appropriate for a Christian school and so he banned it. During our senior year, in one last act of "rebellion" we decided to bring the Yu-gi-oh! cards with us to our senior trip to Disney World. Turns out it was a great way to pass the time in the hotel. Soon, more and more of our classmates began dueling with us during the mornings, while the girls kept complaining we made them late to Disney. One of the mornings we had such intense duels that it caused us to leave WAY later than we should have. We were about to leave when all of a sudden a giant thunderstorm just lets loose above our heads. If we had left when we were supposed to, we would have been caught in the storm at Disney World. All of the guys celebrated the fact that us playing Yu-gi-oh! saved the day, and we spent the whole day reminding the girls that you should ALWAYS believe in the heart of the cards.



Filed Under   pwn my life   tekken   yugioh   pwn up   disney world

Article Pwn Up: Legen - (Wait For Seven Years) - Dary!

By Andrew Bridgman / December 2, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.


Pwn Up:

When we were young with a friend we used to play "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" we knew we had to travel in time because we had seen Adult Link's footage, but we didn't know how to do it.

So, since we had already acquired Sun's Song (the one that makes you go forward half a day) we thought that we had to play it 5110 times (seven years). After a couple hours playing the same song over and over we stopped.
Pwn Up:

When I was about 15 or 16 my parents went out of town and left my brother and me at home alone. We didn't throw a party or anything but decided to smoke weed. At this point I had only smoked twice and didn't get too high. However, this time I got absolutely blazed. My brother sat down and blasted a new rap cd while I played Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance. I played for what seemed like an hour, completely dominating the cp opponents. I only realized when I turned the Xbox off that the first player controller was never even plugged in (but the second port controller was). I think I was watching the demo video the whole time but I'm still not really sure.


Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Con Artists

By Jake Young / November 25, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.


One of my most memorable moments of any Convention to date would of been last year, when me and my friends were waiting for an elevator that seemed to take forever to get to our floor. Finally, it opens up to reveal a full-suited Batman doing Gangnam Style in the elevator with a Cookie Monster underneath. The sheer randomness and unexpected act made me laugh, while my other friends were too shocked to even react. It was one of those moments where you had to be there to fully enjoy it, but I'll never forget the grin on Batman's face as he danced. Oh, how he danced. 



 - Pash


Filed Under   cosplay   smash bros   pwn my life   comic-con   conventions   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Friendship is Tragic

By Jake Young / November 18, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Friendship is Tragic


So back in the day my friends and I were having a Halo 2 match using nothing but shotguns and sniper rifles. We were all playing at my house and it was all on one TV. As such screen peeking was an issue, but as friends we tried not to peek in order to keep it competitive. I had found a great perch to snipe from and was doing my best when I noticed buddy Michael's player had stopped moving. I couldn't help myself and looked at his screen only to notice that he had a shotgun pointed right at someone's head at point blank range. By the time the light bulb flicked on and I realized what was happening I was dead. Now here's the kicker. In the game he had snuck up behind me, put the barrel right against my head, and then in real life he turned and waited for me to notice. Only when he saw my expression change did he blow my head off. In hindsight it was hilarious, but in that moment I got pissed and punched him in the shoulder as hard as I could.....and dislocated it. We popped it back in, but we decided to take a break from Halo for a while.



Filed Under   the sims   pwn my life   sonic   mario party   knuckles   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Street Fighting Man

By Jake Young / November 11, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Street Fighting Man

illustration by Michael Mayne

I've been in the pro wrestling business for a little over a year now, getting my feet wet in one of the most prominent territories in North America, Ohio Valley Wrestling, or, OVW. When the time finally came to pick an entrance theme to charge into battle to, I could think of nothing better than my go-to workout remix of Guile's Street Fighter theme. Anyone who recognizes the jam usually pops (cheers) big time, as it's certainly a dorky choice for an entrance theme. 


One afternoon when I was a little kid, I was being a tough guy out in the backyard. I was showing off for my sister and doing all my awesome martial arts moves. After awhile I tried doing a cool kick I used all the time as Bruce in Tekken. I took a running start and shouted BAZOOKA FOOT as I thrust my leg out in front of me, just like in the game. That move doesn't work in real life, I slipped and busted my ass pretty hard. My sister laughed. I just cried.

 (And yes I am nerdy enough to remember the move is actually called Foot Bazooka, and he doesn't shout it as he does the move.)



Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Monsters in my Pocket

By Jake Young / November 4, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

   Pwn Up: Monsters in my Pocket  

 When I turned 12 I wanted a dog really badly but my family didn't have much money so for my birthday I got the next best thing: a Tamagotchi. I wasn't so thrilled at first, but after a couple of poop cleaning cycles I started to grow attached to it. I even asked my parents to come back early from our holidays because I had forgotten Dick (yes, that was the name of my egg shaped, monochrome pixel-made friend) in one of my drawers. 

After that episode I took him everywhere with me, obsessively checking his status every 5 minutes to check he was okay. I even went as far as to take him to school with me every morning, even though it wasn't allowed. I kept him hidden and was able to bypass my teachers' attention for a good couple of months, until...

One afternoon, after school, I was waiting for the bus with a friend when suddenly 3 kids about our age jumped us out of nowhere. They had blades and we had no experience fighting so we didn't put up any resistance. I gave them my bag while firmly holding Dick hidden in my pocket.

They seemed appeased by the contents of my bag, all except for one kid who kept looking at me with curiosity. He eventually told his friends I had something hidden in my pocket and forced me to show it to them. I resisted and took one hell of a beating before they snatched Dick out of my clenched fist. They looked at him, didn't know what it was, laughed and threw him to the street. I watched in shock how a pickup truck turned my friend into dust.

My friend helped me get up, but I wouldn't have it. I walked back home alone, bruised and dirty, crying the whole time. I felt responsible, as if I had betrayed and lost a friend.

When I finally got a dog the next year, I took care of him like he was the most important living thing in this world. To this day we remain best friends, even in his final years. His name is Dick.



Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up