Article Pwn Up: CONFESSION OF SORROW IV: The Mask of Infinite Truth

By Kevin Corrigan / October 7, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

My girlfriend has been dragging me to Yoga for the last two weeks. At the end of every class, we have to meditate and we're told to focus our energy into something that we want to come true. I continue to try to create the Spirit Bomb. I'm hoping it comes true next week so I don't have to go to yoga anymore.-Kyle K.

I had to go out of town on business for a week immediately after getting Fallout: New Vegas. Naturally, I packed my PS3 and RCA cables. I expected to be able to play on whatever shitty TV they had in the hotel room. Well, the TV didn't have any inputs at all. My PS3 was useless. The first thing I did, even before unpacking my clothes, was to go online and order an unreasonably expensive adapter that converts RCA to USB so I could plug the PS3 into my company issued laptop. I paid for it, as well as overnight shipping, on the company credit card. Upon my return I had to explain the expense and the unapproved software on the laptop. In retrospect, I could have covered my tracks better, but I think the residents of New Vegas appreciated it in the end.-Anonymous

In 8th grade, I got in a fight with a kid because he said he beat Battletoads without using Game Genie. I've GOTTEN passed the Turbo Tunnel. I know that it does not get any easier. That kid will forever be a liar in my mind.-Anonymous

When my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, I was excited to name our future son. Being an unwed couple and long-time fans of A Song of Ice and Fire, we decided we would name him Jon Snow. We got married two months ago, Jon Snow no longer seemed appropriate. Last week Robert Stark was born weighing in at 9 lbs 6 ounces. I'm getting him a husky puppy as soon as he can walk.-Patrick

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Article Pwn Up: Issue #1 According to the DC Universe

By Kevin Corrigan / September 30, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I got suspended from my high school this week. I got in a fight with a kid in my algebra class for spoiling the Gears of War 3 campaign.-Anonymous

Once, while having ingrown toenail surgery, I used New Super Mario Bros DS as an anesthetic. I played through world 4-4 in lieu of effective painkillers.-Steven

During elementary school, I wasn't exactly what you'd call popular. For two glorious months, however, I was the mayor of the playground. I used my knowledge of Sim City and Roller Coaster Tycoon, along with a bucket of chalk, to turn the playground into Chalktown. It was an enormous expanse of chalk lots and residential zones on the asphalt. I numbered them and rented them out to my fellow students. I even designated a police force to keep the peace. There was a department of commerce to oversee the commercial district. Our currency was kickballs. The best part was when the bullies came to me and begged for a residential lot after noticing the rest of the playground was vacant. I gave them one right in-between the industrial district and the nuclear power plant.-Anonymous

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Article Pwn Up: Cloud Tested, Cactuar Approved

By Kevin Corrigan / September 23, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I was younger, I prided myself on knowing everything about FF7. I played through it once a year. My mother would say, "Why do you bother memorizing all of this crap? This isn't going to help you in real life!" Today I work in HR for an insurance company. I wrap up every interview by asking, "What's the prize for beating Ruby Weapon?" It works as a tie-breaker if someone knows. I do it so people can call their parents and tell them they got a job for their "useless knowledge." Take that, mom!-Raleigh

It was my senior year of college when Gears of War 3 was announced. I decided, right then and there, that I wanted to dress up as Cole for the midnight release. I started going to the gym and bulked up to near 200 lbs for it.-Richie

Today in my western civ class, my professor asked if we knew the old english word for horse. I said "rohan," which is right. He asked how I knew. I said from Lord of the Rings: the kingdom of Rohan, the Mark of the Riders. Now I'm that kid in the class. Great way to start off the semester.-Steven

I told my air force recruiter I to want wait till February to join so I can get my affairs in order. My affairs are getting Skyrim and playing it thoroughly.-Howard

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Article Pwn Up: Now Slide-pad Compatible

By Kevin Corrigan / September 16, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

One time in High School, I was going to a class and humming a tune from a game. One of the bullies called me out on it. His friends then called him out for knowing what it was. We've been friends ever since.-Anonymous

I re-enact battles from the Yu-Gi-Oh TV show with Yu-Gi-Oh cards by myself.-Mos

I'm a huge WoW fan, and I've been trying to get in shape recently. When I go to the gym I listen to WoW podcasts. Sometimes people ask me what I'm listening to. I've gone through the trouble of changing all the titles and album art to classic rock and metal albums so I don't have to be ashamed.-Noah

I once got sun burned by sitting at my computer too long. It's next to a window.-Cory J

I spent three months playing FIFA '11s manager mode for the sole purpose of gathering a starting lineup of players with the following surnames (or as close as I could find): Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davison, McCoy, McGann, Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith. Team Doctor.-James

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Article Pwn Up: v1.8 Adventure Update

By Kevin Corrigan / September 9, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

All of the computers at my work are linked together. I was bored one day and decided that, since nobody checks on me, I would play solitaire. After winning my first game, I noticed that I wasn't even close to the top score in the office. That was held by my boss. One month later I had the top 23 scores and was fired for playing games on the job.-Brendon

I lost a bet. The wager was that I had to get an SNES controller tattooed right above my arse, on the area generally known as the "tramp stamp." I love it.-Anonymous

My girlfriend and I play strip Pokémon.-Anonymous

My dad walked in on me during a Catherine cut scene that had some sexual tension. He left quickly, making things very awkward. He didn't talk to me for a few days after, just the occasional "Hi son" whenever I walked in the front door. One day he gave me a sleeve of DVDs and said, "It's not my place to judge, just don't let your mother find out." Confused, I popped the disk into my laptop and it was anime. I fast forwarded five minutes and it was hentai. My dad thought I was playing hentai on my PS3.-Anonymous

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Article Pwn Up: SummerSlam

By Kevin Corrigan / September 2, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Gamestop is speed dial #3 on my phone, right between my mom and Pizza Hut.-Elliot C.

I'm a journeyman electrician. When it came to make business cards, the only logical step was to cover them with various electrical Pokemon. They are a huge hit. At the bottom they even include the tag "It's super effective," so you know I am a pro.-Anonymous

A few days ago I woke up and stumbled into my living room where I was met by my roommate. He politely asked me that the next time I use his laptop that I not delete his browsing history because doing so had cleared all of his stored passwords and such. After casually agreeing and apologizing, I looked towards his girlfriend to see that she was giving me a look of stern disappointment. I explained that I had deleted the history in fear of being ridiculed for spending all night browsing color palettes and taunts for my favorite Street Fighter IV characters so I could choose the ones that were the coolest. Neither believed me, they assumed I had been looking at porn and I could not convince them otherwise. I still haven't decided if the truth is more embarrassing or if I should consider this a victory.-David S.

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Article Pwn Up: Robot Unicorn a Cake

By Kevin Corrigan / August 26, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

As soon as I heard about Kingdom Hearts 2, I knew I had to get it the day it came out. I was in middle school. I told my mom that it was such a huge game that she had to get me to the store two hours early to beat the line. She wouldn't stand for that. It was a 30 minute drive already. I settled for half an hour before the store opened. The only other people waiting were a college student and a grandma. Both of them were there for batteries.-L.T.

I fought with my girlfriend all the time when I was 16. She told me that she would move on if I didn't buy her a great birthday present. We were both huge Star Wars fans, so I gave her my custom-built lightsaber I'd made at Disney World a few years earlier. She dumped me and never gave it back.-Reid

I'm a fanfic writer. I love writing crossover fanfics. I once crossed the universes of the Odd Thomas series and Harry Potter. As time passed, I got no reviews. The problem was evident. Rare were the fans of Odd Thomas, and rarer were the fans of Odd Thomas fanfiction, let alone Odd Thomas, Harry Potter crossovers. One glorious day though, I received a long and stunning review from a fan of both who adored my story. I wrote her back. Now we're best friends.-Jess

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Article Pwn Up: The Namek Saga

By Kevin Corrigan / August 19, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

We begin this issue with a special message to commenter Joe Banana: You've won the "Pwn Up Commenter Lifetime Achievement Award," for commenting "lol. nerds." on every issue of Pwn Up from 64 to 87, except issue 67 for some reason. To put that into perspective, Joe Banana made sure to be at his computer to comment nearly every Friday from Feb 18 to Aug 5. That's 23 straight weeks. He's spent almost half a year on this project. Joe Banana's unceasing dedication to the meaningless, repetitive task of trolling an Internet message board has solidified his nerd status. Joe Banana, this week you may "lol. nerds." at yourself. Congratulations.

I worked at an elementary summer-school program in July. One day, we were going over the planets during a science lesson. The kids had to fill in the missing planets and their characteristics. One kid drew Namek and a bunch of Namekians instead of Neptune. I thought it was so funny that I left it that way.-Paul

Every time I read an Pwn Up post about someone's girlfriend, I die a little inside. Only the nerdiest guys get featured here, and even they have/had girlfriends. I have not. Ever.-K9 (ed. note: If it makes you feel better, K9, this is a common submission)

When I was about 16, I was dating this guy who let me borrow Star Ocean 2. I loved that game. I played it all the time. After a month of dating, I heard from a mutual friend that he was upset because I was spending so little time with him. He was planning on breaking up with me because I played too much Star Ocean 2. I got pissed. I wasn't about to change my ways. Instead, I got my best friend to make a move on him. When I caught them I flew into a "surprised" rage, kicked him out of my house, told him I never wanted to see him again and kept his game. I'm 24 now and I still have it. I know, I'm conniving. I did feel bad, but then again he was willing to cheat on me with my best friend, so he's kind of a dick anyway, right? Right!-Kate

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Article A Song of Ice and Sun Burns

By Kevin Corrigan / August 12, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I decided I was going to propose to my wife, I needed it to be unique and special. I proposed to her on the Elder Rise of Thunder Bluff in front of both of our WoW guilds. I faced her character, kneeled, opened a trade window and traded her a cubic zirconia ring. She said yes.-Mike

A couple months ago, someone broke into my car and stole a bunch of stuff. They took my video camera, my iPod, my dad's iPod and a bottle of cologne. Losing that stuff was a drag, but the thing that bothered me the most was that the thief didn't take a newly boarded issue of Uncanny X-Force and the first issue of Kick-ass. Why didn't he steal those? I'd steal those.-Colin

Many years ago I was involved in a LARP event. I took the role of a Minotaur. My girlfriend (now wife) body painted runes all over my chest, back, neck, face and arms. I spent five hours in sun and high altitude, with no shade. The sun burned me everywhere the body paint was not. I spent the next three months with inverse tanned-on rune tattoos.-Michael, the Tall

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Article Pwn Up: Issue #87

By Kevin Corrigan / August 5, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

One of my best friends got engaged recently. Yesterday I got a Pokeball in the mail. There was a message on the outside. It said, "I Choose You…" On the inside was another message, "…to be my best man!" Of course I said yes.-Pook

When I was 8-years-old, I called the Nintendo hotline to find out how to beat the final boss of a game. The game had just been released. They didn't know. Ten minutes later I called them back to tell them how to do it. They were not interested. They told me to write a letter to Nintendo Power.-Anonymous

The only reason I bought a kindle was so that I can read my Star Wars extended universe books in public without people seeing and harassing me.-Al Z.

My wife and I had a videogame-themed wedding. Our cakes were Mr. and Mrs. Pac-Man cheesecakes with cupcakes in between them as power pellets. We cut the cake to "Still Alive." Our officiant sprinkled in references about us leveling up together and overcoming random encounters. My wife walked down the aisle to a Final Fantasy song. She even crafted the Mario piranha plants and fireflowers for us to decorate with. The best part? It was her idea.-Tim R.

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