Video Super Mario Beads 3December 03, 2012
Real life in 16 glorious bits.
Where we'll get our monthly news of Nintendo games now, I have no clue.
The Mario Brothers are big fans of the new way you control their every action.
Picture Super Dollar-io Bros.November 29, 2012
Lakitu's gonna make it rain.
The original Super Mario Bros. for the NES is something of a Rosetta Stone for adventure games, informing virtually everything that followed it. It's a simple tale of an underdog hero overcoming impossible odds to rescue a damsel in distress from an evil monster. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. It's a tale of corruption, genocide, greed, and overflowing sewage. And Mario's the bad guy. These are the horrible truths about Super Mario Bros.
Mario Kills Countless Enemies Who Aren't Even Trying To Hurt Him
Let's say you're a Goomba you don't exactly have the best life: you're short, you're weak, anyone who touches you dies, and you're named after an ethnic slur. Luckily, all you want to do with your time is peacefully walk across the world. You never target anyone, you mean no harm to a single soul you're actually a peaceful, benevolent creature (who happens to look like the kingdom's primary food source). Hell, you don't even have any arms.
Suddenly you get smashed. You're dead. Wha What? Why? Who? Well, confused dead Goomba an Italian plumber just crushed you to death for no goddamn reason. He jumped on your skull and flattened you because he felt like it. You were never trying to do anything to him, but because you dared to walk in his general direction, he ended your existence.
Mario is a violent nutjob. Very few of the enemies in Super Mario Bros. are actually trying to kill him. Sure, there's the Piranha Plants, the Thwomps, and maybe even the Hammer Bros., but the vast majority of the enemies Mario kills are just out for a walk: Koopas, Goombas, even Bullet Bills are essentially innocent creatures that can't control when or how they're launched. So why does Mario do this?
Because they were in his way. That's some Dexter-level thinking right there.
Welcome to Real World 1-1, chump.
Picture The Ultimate Nintendo Mash-UpNovember 21, 2012
The Legend of Metroid Bros. would have saved everyone a lot of time as kids.
Picture Mario circa World War IINovember 21, 2012
He's off to knock Hitler into a pit of lava.
Slow 'n steady is for n00bs.