Filed Under » gamers

Congratulations! Despite your penchant for reading articles about video games on the internet, you’ve managed to scrounge up enough friends to warrant buying some extra Xbox controllers and a few multiplayer-heavy button mashers. Social life: managed, right?

Who or what you choose to play as in games as juvenile as Mario Kart to as life-replacingly epic as Mass Effect say a lot about the character of any gamer (excuse the pun.) Allow me to provide a comprehensive guide on who you’re dealing with based on player character selection, and how to deal with them. Happy hunting.

1. “I’m Really Good With Kirby” Guy

How to spot him: Your first thought when walking in the room and spotting him is “Oh, this douchebag.” He plays the easiest character to win with in any game, but insists he “knows all the tricks” and isn’t just button mashing like the rest of you. Get a few drinks in him and he’ll challenge the entire room to play him in his video game of choice as that character, then blame every external factor possible (“The sun was in my eyes!” “It’s two AM, dude.” “There was glare!”) on why you kicked his ass in under a minute with your obscure favorite character.

Best course of action: Don’t bait this inevitable douchecube into a match on the off chance he’s the 1% that is actually really good at playing Kirby or Link (Soul Calibur 2 Link, the dirty bastard with the bombs that took away half your health. Remember that sh*t?). If he’s the one to challenge you, pull out your A game and stomp him, preferably in a public setting. It’ll hopefully shut him up and save the rest of us from having to do the same.

2. “She’s Just A Good Character!” Bro

How to spot him: He really likes the Dead Or Alive series, even the godawful volleyball games. He gets his ass kicked in every fighting game and RPG he plays because of his terrible choice in character or character build. He hasn’t played the new Call Of Duty because he’s in the middle of replaying an old Final Fantasy title. Why beat around the bush (again, excuse the pun)? This guy likes boobs, and he plays games and characters with the lowest clothing-to-digital-boob ratio.

Best course of action: Just let the guy be. Leave him, his vintage Capcom titles and his hentai porn alone. And ALWAYS knock before you walk into his dorm room, lest ye be scarred for eternity.