Article The Dorklyst: The 13 Worst Escort Missions in Videogame History

By Andrew Bridgman / March 29, 2013
The Dorklyst: The 13 Worst Escort Missions in Videogame History - Image 1

This week saw the release of BioShock Infinite, a game that's notable for many things, but mainly for essentially being one long escort mission that isn't awful. In fact, the game tells you right away to not worry about your escort, and that she can take care of herself. After years of horrible escort missions where you have to protect incompetent bullet-magnets who would sleepwalk through the beaches of Normandy on D-Day, it's hard to express what a joy this is. As a reminder of how well BioShock Infinite pulls this off, let's take a look back at some of the not-so-good escort missions in videogame history.

13. Emma Emmerich (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty)

The Dorklyst: The 13 Worst Escort Missions in Videogame History - Image 2

So what's the only thing worse than escort missions? Ah yes: water levels. "Stop!" screamed Hideo Kojima. "Let's have a water level escort mission!" Between this and the entire Raiden/Snake switcheroo, Hideo Kojima seems to have made this game in an act of extraordinarily elaborate trolling. Since Emma is also terrified of water, you have to carry her through most of the level, then hold her hand, and get her past bugs (by either getting rid of the bugs while Emma cowers and cries, or – more fun option – knocking her out, because – c'mon – who is THAT afraid of bugs?). And if she's caught by guards, she will literally curl up and scream as loud as she can while being murdered.

Luckily, if you manage to get through the mission, you'll be rewarded with…Emma dying anyways. A great reward because you hate Emma a lot by the end, yet still a great slap in the face, given what you put up with to get her this far. In other words: WELL TROLLED, KOJIMA.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   escort missions
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Protect the president's daughter at all costs. Even your own sanity.