Article Videogame Protagonists Team Up

September 27, 2010
  1. Mario

    Okay everyone, let's-a sit down. Now we all know-a why we're here. We're-a getting sick of fighting like a thousand enemies apiece with-a no help.

  2. Sonic

    He's right, it sucks. It's even worse for those of us who can only be hit one time. We need to group together and sweep through everything, one world at a time.

  3. Tails

    But Sonic, you already have help-

  4. Sonic

    (angry whisper) Dammit Tails, how many times to I have to tell you, you speak when spoken to.

  5. Mario

    Okay, each of us has-a skills that will come in handy for the group.

  6. Master Chief

    I can get behind the wheel of literally any vehicle and pilot it with ease. You need a wheelman, I'm your guy.

  7. Sonic

    I can run really fast. I could scout for the group.

  8. Mega Man

    I'm a pretty good tinkerer. I can make something useful out of what's basically scraps from destroyed robots, so I could do gadgets.

  9. Sam Fisher

    I have a knack for getting into places unnoticed. I could gather intel, or sabotage a place.

Filed Under   conversations   mario

Article Sonic The Hedgehog: Origins

September 22, 2010
  1. Sonic

    Great news, Tails! I just got off the phone with Sega: they're offering a three-game deal!

  2. Tails

    Wow, this is incredible. We're going to be famous!

  3. Sonic

    Yup, and get this: They're naming the game "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"

  4. Tails

    Wow! … wait, what?

  5. Sonic

    Man, I'm going to be rolling in rings when this thing blows up…

  6. Tails

    No wait, hold on, Sonic. Why did they name the game after you?

  7. Sonic

    Because I'm the main character. I'm a hedgehog with lightning speed and a bad attitude.

  8. Tails

    It's just… have you seen hedgehogs? They're not very cool. They kind of just sit there.

  9. Sonic

    Yeah, but how many hedgehogs have a sick blue mowhawk?

  10. Tails

Filed Under   conversations   sonic

Article A Conversation Between Smash Bros. and my Ten-Year-Old Self

September 8, 2010
  1. Me

    Okay Kirby, you're going to do great. Just stay cool.

  2. Kirby

    Can I do a move other than the thing where I turn into a rock and drop on people?

  3. Me

    No. That's the best move ever. It works all the time…

  4. Kirby

    …on easy.

  5. Me

    Shut up, okay? We've been doing great. I'm good at video games. Anyway, are you ready for the final challenge?

  6. Kirby

    Yeah, I should be fine. I've fought everyone. Giant Donkey Kong, Metal Mario, polygons armies, whatever. I'm set.

  7. Me

    Right. Uh, Kirby, there's no easy way to say this. You're fighting a giant hand.

  8. Kirby

  9. Me

    It's a giant disembodied magic hand…that can shoot missile-bullets.

  10. Kirby

    Like the same giant hand that tosses us around at the beginning? And gives us life? Like, essentially our God?

  11. Me

    Yeah. I guess so. Also it's flying. So let's get going.

  12. Kirby

    …nothing we've done could have prepared me for this. I mean, this is the same hand that you can select me with. Has that even occurred to you? You're asking me to conquer God here. This has nothing to do with anything I've done so far.

  13. Me

    What about when we broke the targets? And landed on the platforms?

  14. Kirby

    Those parts are stupid and everyone hates them!

Filed Under   conversations

Article TMNT and the Ginger

September 1, 2010
  1. Donatello

    There's so much blood!

  2. Leonardo

    Holy sh*t Don, what happened to you?

  3. Donatello

    I got jumped by the Foot Clan. Oh god, I can't feel my legs…

  4. Michelangelo

    Cowa-bummer dude!

  5. Raphael

    Don, you don't look so hot. I think you should go to the hospital or vet or something.

  6. Donatello

    No it's ok, I just need some pizza.

  7. Leonardo

    Umm, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think this is the best time for a pizza run.

  8. Raphael

    Yeah, you're not supposed to be bleeding from your ears like that, and your leg looks kind of broken-ish.

  9. Donatello

    No, guys, I just need some pizza. Can you look through those trashcans Mikey?

Filed Under   conversations   tmnt

Article Resident Obstruction

August 25, 2010
  1. Leon

    Looks like we need to walk down this alleyway…Sh*t, it's blocked. There has to be a way around it.

  2. Claire

    But it's just an abandoned car and some trashcans, I'm sure we can climb over…

  3. Leon

    Dammit Claire! We don't have time! I found this letter that says there is a key hidden in the cemetery that will unlock the red door where we can find parts to the fire hydrant so we can put out the fire blocking city hall.

  4. Claire

    But seriously, this pile is made out of cardboard boxes. I guarantee that I can slip between those stacks.

  5. Leon

    It's too high to climb!

  6. Claire

    It's literally four feet high, and there's a ladder leaning against that wall.

  7. Leon

    Oh. I guess I didn't see that before.

  8. Claire

    You didn't see the twelve-foot ladder right in front of your face, but you were going to search a graveyard, at night, infested with zombies, to find a tiny key?

  9. Leon

    Well I guess when you put it like…

Filed Under   resident evil   conversations

Article Teleport Waker

August 23, 2010
  1. King of Red Lions

    You beckoned Link? Where shall the winds carry us today?

  2. Link

    Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about that…

  3. King of Red Lions

    Holy Shit! You can talk?!

  4. Link

    Of course I can talk… I'm a boy. You're the possessed boat.

  5. King of Red Lions

    KING boat, thank you very much.

  6. Link

    You're still made of wood.

  7. King of Red Lions

    At least I can jump.

  8. Link

    Touché. Anyway… I was wondering how you always pop up right away when I play my flute.

  9. King of Red Lions

    Oh, I just teleport over.

  10. Link


Filed Under   zelda   conversations   link

Article Conversations in the Terran Locker Room

August 18, 2010
  1. Marine

    Finally, I can get out of this chicken-sh*t outfit.

  2. Marauder

    Good job waxin' those critters today. Too bad those noob Zealots had to show up and ruin our fun.

  3. Marine

    Yeah, they were all like "honor guide me" and "it shall be done."

  4. Reaper

    More like, "your mom shall be done."

  5. Marine

    Get some! But seriously, I'm amazed they end up reproducing with how ugly the Protoss women are.

  6. Marauder

    Well, at least they aren't as slimy as the Zerg.

  7. Reaper

    I don't know man. Kerrigan is kind of hot.

  8. Marine

    What are you talking about? She's an evil monster.

  9. Reaper

    Yeah, but imagine what she could do with those tentacles, and that outfit!

  10. Marine

    She's the Queen of Blades, those limbs would unfurl your entrails boy, and that outfit is her exoskeleton. Plus I'm pretty sure she is infested bro.

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Zerg Revolution

August 11, 2010
  1. Hydralisk

    Alright, we're in good shape here. We just need a few more Hydralisks…

  2. Zergling

    Hold on! We can't! Spawn more Overlords!

  3. Hydralisk


  4. Zergling

    Yeah. We can't do anything without them.

  5. Hydralisk

    Yeah, what would we do without those slow, slow, sacks of flesh?

  6. Zergling

    Hey man, we require them.

  7. Hydralisk

    Well we require more Hydralisks. You know, the useful things.

  8. Zergling

    You could always sacrifice a drone to make space.

  9. Hydralisk

    That's not a winning strategy.

  10. Zergling

    Look I didn't make the rules. But we need Overlords.

  11. Hydralisks

    We're a bloodthirsty monster race. I think it's a little late to think about middle management.

  12. Zergling

    Hey, take it up with the queens.

  13. Hydralisks

    That's another thing! The queens are worthless. No one spawns her if they want to win! These managers are incompetent…

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Phoenix Doh'd

August 9, 2010
  1. Cloud

    Hey I found Aeris, she's praying up there on that alter.

  2. Barret

    Sh*t, Sephiroth's falling from the sky, and that's a huge ass sword.

  3. Cloud

    OH MY GOD! He just killed her.

  4. Barret

    Don't worry about it.

  5. Cloud


  6. Barret

    Big deal, I've been swallowed whole by monsters and turned to stone like a hundred times.

  7. Cloud

    But she's dead! Gone! And I never had the chance to explain my conflicted emotional love interest!

  8. Barret

    Yo' quit your %$@#'ing crying. I literally have 99 phoenix downs in my bag.

  9. Cloud

    What are you talking about?

  10. Barret

    You're kidding right? Phoenix downs… the ultra cheap feather that brings people back to life.

  11. Cloud

  12. Barret

    Or revive materia, phoenix summon… we can use whatever you want bro.

Filed Under   final fantasy   conversations

Article What a Zerg Rush Really Sounds Like

August 2, 2010
  1. The egg bursts open- the larvae is now a terrifying zergling, ready to do the bidding of the Hivemind.

  2. Zergling 1

    Oh God that was gross.

  3. Zergling 2

    Yea… By the way, some things happened back in the egg-

  4. Zergling 1

    Lets just forget about it, k?

  5. Zergling 2

    Yea… but it was good for you right?

  6. Zergling 1

    Gary, I thought we said-

  7. An ancient voice from an unseen presence reaches the 6 zerglings.

  8. Hivemind

    Ok, that's enough. Too long have we waited in the shadows- plotting our return has taken millennia and now we are ready. Now we will sweep over this planet in an awesome pestilence. The evolution is complete and now we can- where's the sixth of you?

  9. Zergling 3

    He said he "required more vespene gas" and then he just kind of ran off.

  10. Zergling 6 stumbles in and collapses on the creep- muttering about Robot-Chicken, peanut butter and Pringles.

  11. Hivemind

    Christ… Ok just attack.

  12. Zergling 2

    Ok, I can get behind that-

  13. Hivemind


  14. Zergling 1

    Right, now?

  15. Hivemind

    Are you questioning the Hivemind?

  16. Zergling 6

    Don't you question that Hivemind!

  17. Zergling 1

    Why do you always pretend to be Tyler Perry's Madea when you get high?

  18. Hivemind

    I don't see any rushing… this is a 'zerg-rush' you know.

  19. Zergling 2

    No, we just thought… well sir-

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations