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Sorry for the quick thaw Master Chief; things are a little hectic right now. The disorientation should pas—

I'll take it from here! Alright, Chief! Before we get going, I need to know which armor ability you're going to use!

Armor ability?

I recommend using sprint! We need to get to destroy the Covenant fleet quickly before they do serious damage to our ship!

Well actually, Sarge, I don't have sprint.

That's okay, evade works just as well!

I don't have that either.

Ah! So the chief is a jetpack man!

I'm actually terribly afraid of heights.

…so you use active camo?

Nope.

Hologram?

Hey Pikachu, do you mind jumping in your poke-ball for a while?

Pika?

It's just that, well you kind of binge ate Halloween candy for the past couple weeks and gained some weight. My back can't handle it anymore.

P-Pika-P.

For the last time, I don't understand what you're saying. You repeat the same three syllables over and over, how am I supposed to know what you're talking about?!

Pika-P-Pika-chu!

What did I just say! Just get in the goddamn ball or learn how to speak English. You don't see Brock carrying Onix around in his back pocket.

Hello? Who's there?

Dude! Guess which Pokémon I just caught!

Hmm, a Pikachu that you're never going to keep in a ball and let follow you everywhere you go?

MissingNo!

Uh oh…

What do you mean "uh oh?"

Dude, you gotta get rid of it quick. Like now.

Are you sh*tting me? Do you know what I had to do to get it?

You seriously need to put it back where you got it from. I sugges—

I had to talk to a creepy old man and make him teach me how to catch a Pokémon, fly on a f*cking Pidgey to Cinnabar Island, then use it to surf up and down the shore.

Do you not know what MissingNo is?

Hey nerd.

Mario, I am sick of your attitude.

Psh. Whatever. I'm a hero, okay? You're a side-kick.

Listen, I conquered a haunted mansion. Why does no one remember that? I saved your life from ghosts.

Hey bro, I was too busy exploring the galaxy, right? Am I right?

You can't even hurt Boos man. I've seen you, with fire-flowers, stars, nothing. I eradicated a haunted mansion while you were Super Mario Sunshine-ing.

Yeah, well-

Super Mario Sunshine? Come on. That sounds like an off-brand poorly translated detergent.

Woah, bro. Slow clap for that.

Okay, seriously man, you're just being a jerk. You always do that,

Jealous much, dweeb?

Keep pushing me, Mario. Keep going.

What are you gonna do? Oh, and even Wario's had some games, you know. And no one likes Wario.

Hey Mario, where do you think all the Koopa Kids come from?

Ah, Red, you're back. Did you study the mating habits of the Wigglytuff?

Professor, we have to talk.

About the Poke'dex-

What kind of professor are you?

Excuse me?

You know that level five poke'mon are really, really low, right?

Well-

And three of them is not a lot of Poke'mon for a world famous professor to have. At first I was like, "oh, wow, a Poke'mon!". It turns out there are lots and lots of Poke'mon.

Yeah, well-

What, you never saw a Rattata? They're everywhere. Level eights. Here, I got you twelve.

Why, the Poke'dex must have helped-

Hierarch! I have returned from battle. I have slain many humans and have brought honor and glory to the Covenant!

Excellent work, my child. I hereby promote you to the rank of General.

Yessss!

And, as befitting a warrior of your stature, you will be given this glorious golden armor to wear into battle.

Um.

And this giant golden helmet. And this light-up energy sword.

Actually…

Next!

Hang on. Don't we have a camouflage pattern, or-

NEXT!

Wait, don't you think this is a little showy for a soldier's uniform? It doesn't really blend into the battlefield. Actually, now that I think about it, nothing we own does.

YOU DARE QUESTION YOUR PROPHET?

Okay, everyone ready?

Yeah.

Let's do this.

Wait, wait, hold up. This is a-absurd!

Stutter or accent?

A-screw you. You have a sword!

Oh, this? Yeah, but don't worry. I'm not very good.

How can you not be good? You have a sword!

And bombs.

All I can do is punch people!

Oh, me too.

See? And-

Except a giant falcon made of fire hits them and it's totally lethal. Those kind of punches.

And-also, we're fighting a mouse and a kid! How can I hit a kid?

Ahh, I got cut deep bro.

Hang in there! We'll get you patched up quick.

Did you bring a Medic?

Even better, a Medivac.

Talk to me.

Is that new? Are they going to do the surgery in the ship?

Nope, they do it from the air.

What?! How does that even work?

We use a complicated system of lasers to cut and suture you up, but I pretty much just point and shoot.

From hundreds of feet in the air?! What about painkillers? Do you have anesthetics?

Nah, just more lasers. Hold still.

Ahhh!

Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!

Well, okay-wait, what?

Another-

Another castle? You mean there's more than one castle?

…

Because a castle is a pretty big deal. I was all "well, here's the castle! And a boss battle! Game over". Seemed pretty final.

We have a lot of castles.

What kind of housing market exclusively has castles? And I have to return Princess Peach to her castle…

Everyone has a castle!

Not me. I live in Brooklyn. Luigi sometimes goes hungry.

Only Luigi?

…And that's how I became a lawyer. And what did you say you did again?

Oh, I'm a street fighter.

Huh?

I fight people on the street. Street fighter.

Like, hobos?

No. Well, sometimes. Okay, often. But sometimes I fight other super fighters. Like my best friend Ken.

You fight your best friend?

Yes. Also my enemies, though. That part makes more sense.

And you do this exclusively on streets.

Well, sometimes in arenas, or secret labs. But yeah, often we fight on streets. Like, definitely more than actual fighters should be.

Maybe you should do something more important. Than, like attacking hobos. Do you make anything from this?