Article 5 Reasons The Non-Superpowered Superhero Thing Is Bullshit

By Jason Iannone / April 18, 2014

Some of our most popular superheroes aren't super at all: they weren't born with special powers, never gained powers via some freak accident, and must rely completely on ingenuity and hard work to succeed. They're just like us!

Except...they absolutely aren't. The "superhero without superpowers" deal sounds nice, until you realize that every single one of them is naturally leveled up to the point where they become superpowered by default. No actual human could possess or accomplish what these people do, so the implication that these people are powerless, yet still super somehow, is pure bullshit.

So what amazing powers does your favorite non-powered hero possess? 100% of the time, they'll boast one or more of the following ...

 

1. Endless, Obscene Wealth

 

5 Reasons The NonSuperpowered Superhero Thing Is Bullshit

 

It's generally accepted that non-powered heroes need oodles of cash to make their violent hobby work. But even the richest of the rich have limits to their wealth; only about a hundred people on Earth have more than $10 billion in the piggy bank, after all. If anyone else were to spend money recklessly on some super-secret hero lifestyle, they'd be broke before they knew it. Even the super-rich would have trouble balancing their checkbook after a while, and once they start having to gather dimes to buy a Big Mac, they'd probably reconsider blowing another $15,000,000 on a camouflaging fighter jet.

But people like Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark do not have this problem. Not only are they ludicrously rich, but they stay ludicrously rich, and actually get ludicrously richer despite blowing untold amounts of cash on everything-proof armor, vehicles more powerful than every military tank on the planet combined, elaborate hideaways that are more difficult to access than Disney's Club 33, high-tech weapons, computers that can do literally anything, and sky-high medical bills.

Are they ever even hurting for money one teensy tiny bit? Of course not! Their businesses never fail (and if they do, they quickly come bck and their fortunes remain as mysteriously limitless as ever.) They have the power to piss money away and, as anyone who has struggled to keep the lights on or put food on the table can tell you, that might be the greatest superpower of all.

Filed Under   batman   iron man   superheroes   powers   green arrow
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It's all fine until he starts calling Catwoman "m'lady".

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The Jjoker will pay for this.

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Holy call to child services, Batman!

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Article 'Batman vs. Superman' vs. 'Captain America 3'

By Andrew Bridgman / April 8, 2014

  Captain America 3 Talks To Batman vs Superman

As of right now, both Batman vs. Superman and Captain America 3 are due to be released on May 6, 2016. That's right - two of the biggest superhero movies ever, both planned for the same day. Marvel originally claimed this date for an unnamed movie - so DC planned their huge crossover film for the same day, expecting Marvel to blink. But with the success of The Winter Soldier, Marvel went ahead and announced that Captain America 3 would indeed be released then.

  1. Batman vs. Superman

    Ooo...awkward. This is our date - sorry Captain America 3.

  2. Capt. America 3

    No way, Batfleck vs. Hopeman, Marvel was savin' this spot for me.

  3. Batman vs. Superman

    Well, uh, technically they were just saving it for "Untitled Marvel Film." That doesn't really count.

  4. Capt. America 3

    Sure it does - now make way for Captain America 3: I'm a Better Superman Than Henry Cavill's City-Wrecking Saiyan

  5. Batman vs. Superman

    You're not really calling yourself that, are you?

  6. Capt. America 3

    Psh, who knows? Haven't even started writing the damn thing.

  7. Batman vs. Superman

    Yeah, that's sorta the thing - number 2 JUST came out - don't you think it's a little early to call a spot for the third one?

  8. Capt. America 3

    That's how Captain America 3 rolls, son. Pre-emptive strike up in this house!

  9. Batman vs. Superman

    But don't you know how much money you'll lose?

  10. Capt. America 3

    Are you kidding me? Have you seen the box office numbers? We got more green on us than the Hulk's dick.

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By Hera, that's a shame.

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The Joker's sidekick needs to let it go.

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