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Hey! There's a new trailer out for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the sequel to the 2015 ultra-mega-hit Jurassic World (which was fine but somehow went on to make $1.6 BILLION DOLLARS). And if you like Jurassic Park movies and want to see this one, YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT WATCH IT.

No, I'm not kidding - if you're a big fan of Jurassic Park stuff and are gonna be seeing this movie regardless of reviews 'n all that (which is perfectly fine, dinosaur movies are rad as hell) then DO NOT WATCH THIS TRAILER.

SERIOUSLY, DO NOT WATCH THIS TRAILER IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON SEEING THIS MOVIE!

But if you simply MUST watch the latest trailer for Jurassic World 2: Prattfall, then here it is:

Notice a few, uh, problems with that trailer? Here - we'll break it down for you:



It gives away THE ENTIRE PLOT OF THE MOVIE

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Giving away a movie's entire plot is not a new thing for movie trailers - but it continues to be a baffling decision, especially when you have a sequel to one of the most successful films of all-time. People are gonna go see your movie regardless, so why put out a major piece of marketing material that spoils the entire thing? The previous trailer wasn't great or anything, but at least WISELY teased out the basic premise and promised some more fun dino action with weird-runnin' Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard and her high-heels, and a buncha dinosaurs getting into all kinds of new shenanigans.

But this trailer reveals what appears to be a major twist in the storyline - that the supposedly humanitarian rescue of the dinosaurs from Isla Explosion was actually A TRICK by the evil corporation to get a bunch of specific dino breeds so they could genetically-modify them and sell them as weapons to the highest bidder. WHY GIVE THIS AWAY? WHY REVEAL THE ENTIRE FIRST ACT OF YOUR MAJOR BLOCKBUSTER FILM IS ALL A FAKE-OUT ON THE PROTAGONISTS?

Because they saw how well that trailer for Terminator: Genisys did and wanted to capture some of THAT success, I guess?



The plot looks pretty repetitive - even for a Jurassic Park movie

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One of the sad realities of the Jurassic Park series is how little imagination the creators seem to have beyond the first film - they have a premise that involves DINOSAURS BEING BACK, and all they can think of with each movie is "what if people go BACK to the island and then something goes wrong and they have to escape the dinosaur island?" This movie seems to thankfully break from that pattern in the film's 2nd half, but it's getting repetitive in an EVEN MORE SPECIFIC WAY - the entire plot hinges on an evil, genetically-modified murder-dinosaur.

Making an evil, genetically-modified murder-dinosaur was ALSO the key plot point of the last Jurassic World - an obviously dumb plot point that went incredibly wrong, because DUH YOU IDIOTS MADE A MURDERSAURUS REX. This time, however, they made a Velociraptor-style murder-dino, which seems like a much much worse idea, given EACH of the previous movies spent a lot of time explaining how already-murderous velociraptors were.

And - surprise! - things go haywire, the Murder-raptor escapes, and it's up to our plucky heroes to take down the extra murderous dinosaur before it kills a bunch of kids (oh yeah, there are a bunch more kids in danger this time. For some reason, every Jurassic Park movie has to involve a bunch of kids being in danger of getting murdered by dinosaurs because I guess the directors think we'll be more invested if we see children nearly get eaten BUT NEVER ACTUALLY EATEN so we as an audience know there's never a real threat? I dunno).

Also it escaped into the suburbs and is threatening a child in their bedroom AND CHRIST THEY DID THIS EXACT THING ALREADY C'MON:

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The plot also, uh, doesn't make any sense

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The main dumb thing with creating a Murdersaurus the LAST time was that it was POINTLESS - the main attraction of Jurassic World (the theme park, not the movie) was that you could actually see dinosaurs! The thinking was that people were bored with the ol' dinos and would be excited by something new - except the "new" thing they came up with was just extra-murderous. They never got to show it off, but what would have happened if they had actually opened the exhibit? It was too stealthy and smart to ever just present itself to an audience, you couldn't really "show off" it's extra-muder skills in any way that guests could appreciate (unless they were going to introduce gladatorial matches between it and the T-rex or something, which would have been badass but fiscally IMPOSSIBLE to maintain), and it presented AN OBVIOUS SECURITY RISK. They could have just genetically-modified a brontosaurus or something to have an extra head or something weird, interesting-looking, and NOT POSE AN OBVIOUS SECURITY RISK.

This time, the genetically-modified murder-dino also doesn't make any sense (from the looks of things, at least). A lot was made of the idea of "training" raptors for military purposes in the last film, but it's still a baffling concept. In WHAT scenario would a group of raptors be the ideal military strike force, over ACTUAL soldiers (who you could communicate with and anticipate the actions of MUCH MUCH EASIER) or drones/bombs (if you just wanna murder a bunch of people indiscriminately)? We saw that even the most well-trained raptors could still be difficult to control, not easy to communicate with, and very easily-spooked by unexpected noises 'n whatnot. So why would an EVEN MORE MURDEROUS and MORE AGGRESSIVE version of a raptor be something anyone would want? You shouldn't EXPECT to be able to control that kind of creature (and from the looks of the trailer, it turns out you can't!) since you can't even really control the less murderous versions.

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If the people at the Murder-Dino auction are just weird billionaires looking for odd curiosities for their Weird Rich Guy Personal Zoo Collection or something, I guess I kiiiinda get it (except not really, because IT PRESENTS AN OBVIOUS SECURITY RISK), but it SEEMS like it's being sold for military/murder purposes, and that's just dumb as hell.



GODDAMMIT JEFF GOLDBLUM HAD BETTER BE IN MORE OF THE MOVIE THAN JUST THE COURTROOM SCENE

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IT SURE LOOKS LIKE JEFF GOLDBLUM IS ONLY THERE FOR AN EXTENDED CAMEO DURING THE COURTROOM SCENE EARLY IN THE MOVIE WHERE HE GETS TO SPOUT OUT SOME CATCHPHRASES AND MENTION THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE IN AN OMINOUS WAY, AND IF THAT'S THE CASE I'M GONNA BE PISSED. MAKE JEFF GOLDBLUM HELP TRACK DOWN THE MURDER-RAPTOR, PLEASE, THIS IS ALL I ASK.






Not to say the movie looks ENTIRELY bad - it's still a Jurassic Park movie, which means cool dino stuff, lots of thrills, and Chris Pratt being rad 'n stuff (also his partnership with Blue remains one of the great things of these new movies). Also a few of the hints of the dinosaurs FINALLY breaking free of their island-containment is legitimately wonderful - it's something that has been teased since The Lost World: Jurassic Park and it looks like they might actually be delivering on it (as in - the dinosaurs escape into the larger world and begin to thrive in new environments where we can no longer control them, and they DON'T get re-captured or anything in the end, setting up a new world order where humans and dinosaurs DO have to co-exist). The shot of the water-dino in the waves fills me with joy - let's hope there's more of that, and less dumb plots about murder-dinos running amok in children's bedrooms.

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