For anyone who spends a lot of time online, they know what it means to be a few days away from a new Star Wars movie that has had screenings - it means Star Wars spoilers are imminent. And not in the "Star Wars spoilers will be available for those seeking them out" way - more in the "assholes will be posting complete rundowns and major spoilers literally everywhere they can, from unrelated Facebook posts to message boards to Twitter replies and everything in between" way. We saw this two years ago with the release of The Force Awakens - it was nearly impossible to go to any comment section anywhere online without seeing a blurry, lo-res picture of Han Solo being stabbed to death by Kylo Ren (some posts mention Kylo was his son, too).


I was spoiled on it long before I finally got a chance to SEE the film - and, in retrospect, it was something of a relief. I spent a good deal of time before The Force Awakens being anxious about getting spoiled, particularly since I had a number of obligations that prevented me from being able to SEE the film until a little after its opening weekend. And given my job duties include "being on the internet, constantly" and "knowing about nerd stuff", I knew this was gonna be a problem. But right as I was starting to get nervous (and looking to mute specific phrases in Twitter and in Slack), I saw it on some random Facebook post about Pokemon or something.

Would it have been a cool moment to experience with no prior knowledge? Probably! But the internet is a double-edged sword: it offers up incredible amounts of information and communication (and literally makes my job possible), but also uses all of those tools against you when it feels like it. I know this and am not going to act naive enough that I genuinely thought I could avoid spoilers for TFA indefinitely - and seeing the spoiler saved me a lot of fretting and anxiety that wouldn't really have been worth it. I mean, OF COURSE Han Solo had to die - he was occupying the elderly mentor role that Obi-Wan filled in the Original Trilogy, and as George Lucas is so fond of saying, Star Wars movies are like poetry, "they rhyme."

Also, Harrison Ford is grumpy as hell, wanted Han Solo dead 30 years ago, and was definitely never sticking around for two more films.


I'm going to get spoiled on The Last Jedi before I see it this weekend. I know that. But instead of accepting that I'll be spoiled on it in the comment section somewhere, I'm throwing that zen philosophy into the trash and actively seeking out spoilers for this movie, because I just want that part to be over with.

The problem is that (as of the time I'm writing this), I'm not sure who to believe.

There are no screenshots or blurry cellphone pics or any firmly corroborating evidence of the spoilers I've been finding - which has ironically made this a lot harder for me. I've actually had to spend extra time and go digging to FIND Star Wars spoilers to ruin the movie for myself. I've actually had to stress out over TRYING to figure out which spoilers are legit and which ones aren't. This is not going to go the way I thought!


So I'm just going to present you with what I have found - a lot of possible spoilers, text dumps, probable trolls, and 99% wild speculation. If anyone can spoil me FOR REAL in the comments WITH A GODDAMN SCREENSHOT, that would be helpful. In the meantime, here's what the internet has to offer:


1. Snoke dies, Luke uses astral projection to fight Kylo Ren and drains his Force essence and dies (???)

For some reason, much of the discussion around Star Wars spoilers has focused on the forums of a props and costumes site called TheRPF - specifically around a user called the Pawn. Based on other users' comments about them, it sounds like they also tried leaking a bunch of spoilers for Rogue One last year that turned out to be bogus, and that they've been editing their own "spoilers" for TLJ to fit with other information that's come to light (e.g. what motivates Luke to train Rey - originally they had claimed it was Yoda's force ghost, but then an art book from the film revealed it was Leia's hologram stored in R2-D2 that did it). Also, going through their post history indicates a lot of "uhhh I can't remember exactly what Benicio del Toro's character does" and being cagey/vague about seemingly important things - aka the biggest red flags in fake leakers.

So, this seems a little suspect - but I HAVE seen the weird end bit about Luke Force-Projecting himself across the galaxy a lot, so I'm inclined to at least treat this one as if it miiiiiiiight be true.

Resistance is blown to hell at beginning.

There is a plot of about tracking to lightspeed so Resistance will not go to lightspeed. Entire movie is FO chasing Resistance.

Finn are dispatched to find how not to track in lightspeed.

Finn and Rose and BB-8 goes to Casino looking for Code Cracker to get him onboard to disable tracking device of FO.

Poe is till hot shot pilot and goes rogue pilot and blows up missle/air defenses. Leia is pissed at him and demotes him for going Rogue. He causes mutiny and towards end of film but helps Resistence escape to planet.

Luke uses his lightsaber in two flash back scenes.

Rey leaves Luke and goes to fight Kylo.

HUMOR Porgs are everywhere. Chewbacca accidentally kills one and almost eats one. Three porgs show up with sad eyes and he does not.

Battle between Rey and Kylo is not final battle of movie. Kylo kills Snoke. Kylo and Rey team up. Rey does not turn. Rey escapes. Reys lightsaber is destroyed and does not have one at end.

Final battle is between Luke and Kylo but Luke is still on Achto and projecting his image and never leaves Achto. He has so much Force power to project himself. He dies at end. Force drained.

Luke does talk to Leia but its his projected image.

Kylo is super evil at end. Luke should have killed him when he had a chance at academy or will he be redeemed in #9.

Movie ends with everyone on Falcon reunited Rey, Leia, Poe, Finn, R2, Chewbacca, BB-8. Resistance is really done. Rey does not have lightsaber at end. But can retrieve Luke's on Achto.

Also movie ends with Leia alive so 9 should have been her movie most likely converting Kylo back to good side. No sure where they will go with that now.

My thoughts:

I thought it would be cool if Luke showed up after Snoke dies with Rey and Kylo teaming up being the Super Bad Guy. But NO does not happen.

Also while on Achto Snoke allows REy and Kylo to talk through force so you think these two are Brother and Sister or related but this turn out not to be true. But does lead to Kylo betraying Snoke and taking Control at end.

Rey is the NEW JEDI at end and Kylo is the DARTH VADER BAD Guy at end.

Also Rey learns that her parents were junk dealers who left her on Jakku. She is a nobody.

Kylo says all those quotes about the past is gone in movie many times. Luke too I think.

Also, another goofy addition came in a separate post: apparently Leia gets blown out into space but uses the Force to get herself back to safety?

Oh I forgot, During the Space battle Leia gets blown into space and uses the Force to survive and get back on board. Kylo is not the one who shoots at her, another fighter does it.

Another post that sorta "backs up" the claims of The Pawn comes from Pastebin - they claim someone in a Facebook group they know saw the film and shared spoilers. It is also IMPOSSIBLY vague, but the guy did include some pictures of real-ish looking passes, so maybe?

Ok so there is one guy in my facebook group who won a contest and posted pictures of the premiere. 

Now he PM'ed me some info. But I can confirm that he was there since he took a LOT of pictures. 

Anyways, here is what he wrote me: 


- Luke dies. He apparently gets his power drained because he's at different places at the same time.

- Kylo and Rey team up. They defeat what he calls "the big guy" who I assume is Snoke. However, that apparently doesn't mean that Kylo turns good. He still remains at the First Order just having killed "the big guy".

- Rey becomes stronger. 

- Leia remains at the Resistance. Doesn't die.

That's all I got so far. I asked him a bunch of stuff but he only replied the info I rewrote here. I'm happy he at least DM'ed this. Will update if I get more.

Anyways - there it is. 

Please do NOT ask me to ask him questions as I am already doing that and trying to get info.

2. Kylo Ren and Rey ARE TOTALLY GONNA KISS. Meanwhile, Finn and Rose TOTALLY KISS. Also it doesn't sound like anyone kisses Poe, which is CRAZY.

Tumblr circles seem largely confirmed with the more romantic aspects of the film - mostly "Reylo", aka the relationship between Kylo Ren and Rey. Most of the info seems to break down into "they fight and have a weird psychic connection."

  • Rey Random is real.
  • There's a FinnRose kiss. Not clear if Finn reciprocates or if he's over Rey.
  • Rey and Kylo spend the majority of the film together after they have a fight on Ach-To. 
  • Lots of sexual tension with a sexy shirtless scene. Apparently, it's reciprocal and not subtle.
  • Kylo is not fully redeemed. He wants Rey to rule with him but he doesn't want her to become evil. They are both very stubborn but they empathize with each other.

This general sentiment seems to be legit, if nothing else - thanks to a (since deleted) tweet by IGN's Terri Schwartz:

I'm Desperately Trying To Spoil 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' For Myself

And if THAT doesn't convince you:


3. 4chan seems to think The Last Jedi has 800 wildly different plots, so...there's that.

I decided to dip my toes into 4chan to see if there were any legit spoilers there. Hey, turns out there's AN INSANE amount of racist/sexist/homophobic/generally shitty things in 4chan still, FYI.

But mostly, just an insane amount of possibly right/more likely made-up spoilers for Star Wars.

General takeaway: Luke dies...but Rey kills him? Also Snoke is either the founder of the Jedi Order or some special alien who uses BOTH the Light and Dark sides of the Force? Also Phasma dies (but everyone seems to agree on that - even though I still don't get how she survive the garbage compactor AND the planet-weapon she was stuck on exploding).

Instead of trying to pick just one, I've decided to dump a few in here. WHO KNOWS AT THIS POINT?!

Rey kills Luke! after Luke tells her that Kilo is her brother and is backstabbed by her idol who wont train her. She travels to save her brother who in turn changes her to the darkside. Makes her believe Luke left her off on Jakku away from her family and her destiny. Finn after his battle with Captian Plasma finds out he has force powers and is told at the end of the film by Leia that he is the only hope left in galaxy and he must help Rey come back the light. Film ends there on a cliff hanger with a tear coming down his face

>>Lukes asks Rey "how do you find me?"
>>Rey tells him star map. Lukes asks "how much you remember?" (He trained her as a jedi as a child but she was too tempered with the dark side. she destroyed the temple and killed all the jedi buy ben solo. who watched her as he pissed his pants. shown in later part of movie)
>>Rey replies "remember what?"
>>Luke reminds silent and asks her what she can do with the force. she swings it but is clumsy with it.
>>Luke then nods but walks off and refuses to train her. He knows she will turn to the dark side eventually.
>>Luke after a few minutes is seen arguing with force ghosts. who tell him she is the balance to the force as kylo ren is becoming powerful in the dark Jedi ways.
>>Luke trains her but during the film she remembers her training and begins to hate luke for what he did. (force blocked her mind.)
>>Kylo Ren recovers from his wounds and argues with lord snoke about how he was defeated by Rey.
>>Snoke knows who Rey is because he is her grandfather. (he is using Kylo Ren to get to Rey because he knows she likes him/ force link.)
>>Snoke plans to kill Kylo later on as he also knows the light side is calling to him.

>>Rey has a moment where she is force connected with the universe, she senses finn is captured by snoke. she goes to free him again skywalkers wishes and warnings.
>>Kylo Ren confronts Leia killing all the troops protecting her then talks to her.
>>Leia tells Kylo that she had always loved him and that she continued leading the Resistance to free him from snoke.
>>Kylo is about to stab Leia when he suddenly heads han solos voice and remembers he he killed him.
>>Kylo leaves to confront snoke.
>>Rey is tortured and is turned towards the dark side.
>>Rey brings luke to snoke to learn the secrets of the jedi.
>>Seeing Rey as snokes new pet, Kylo Loses his temper, attacks Rey who during the scene, kills luke before he can tell snoke the secret.

>Leia, Admiral Ackbar, Nien Nunb all die in the movie's first battle sequence
>Kylo refuses to kill his mother during the attack on the bridge but reports to Snoke that he did after she is killed during the attack by a nameless Tie that Poe shoots down. He plans to find Luke and Rey to "deliver" her to Snoke and tells her that he wants to work with them to kill Snoke in a vision during her training
>Daveen "DJ" (Benicio Del Toro's character) is one of Palpatine's biological sons and Rey's father
>Poe has known Daveen from a young age
>Rey convinces herself throughout her training that her father is Luke and when she finally confronts him about it the line "I am not your father but I can help you find the man you seek" is uttered
>Yoda appears to Rey as a Force Ghost during her training and tells her she has stronger ties to the force than she knows. She takes this as being part of the Skywalker family. It is heavily implied that she is somehow related to Obi Wan after the joint attack on Snoke's ship
>A new force power, Force Phasing, is introduced. Close range teleportation (Looks really cool)
>Finn and Phasma takes place during the raid on Snoke's ship. Rose kills Phasma by attaching her to an X-Wing using a magnetic rope thing. Finn and Rose get together
>Snoke is revealed to be creator of the Jedi Order and Luke vs Snoke happens while Kylo and Rey tag team the Knights of Ren

Luke wants to control both the light side and the dark side because he found a relic speaking about ancient alien living in peace by controlling both in the outer rim. 
Snoke is one of these aliens.
Snoke wants to force everyone to control both sides of the force

He is bad at controling it and becomes edgy from times to times.

Finn vs Phasma
Phasma dies.

Leia dies in a ship explosion killed by Snoke.

Luke rages and becomes full dark side.
Kylo tempted by light.

Rey vs Luke.

Rey kills him and learn she is a Skywalker.

Kylo saves Rey from some debris.

Kylo is tempted to go with Ray because he learns she is a skywalker, while Rey is tempted by the dark side after she murdered Luke.

Both of them go different ways after the fight.

Reminder: don't check the comment section of this (or any other article) if you are actually trying to avoid Star Wars spoilers....and still read this article, for some reason.