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Well, we all knew it was coming - there's a new Jurassic World movie on the way, and our pals Coolguy Raptor Trainer and Business Heelsy are returning to the dinosaur-filled park for a mission that will DEFINITELY go right, this time. Yep. No way this trip to a dinosaur-infested island somehow goes awry due to mankind's hubris or anything like that.

But the trailer left us asking ourselves a few questions - which I'll go into if you'll just scroll down a bit:



1. What the hell is up with the premise of this movie?

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Every single Jurassic Park sequel has the exact same issue - in the previous film, the characters found out that a park filled with carnivorous dinosaurs is a bad idea and a bunch of people died. The few who survived had to be left with some serious dino PTSD - so why would anyone GO BACK TO THAT SAME PARK AGAIN?

But Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom seems to up the ante in...a very bizarre way. Here's a dramatization of what we presume the pitching process was like:

  1. Hollywood Executive

    Okay, so Jurassic World made over 1.6 BILLION DOLLARS at the box office. We've GOTTA make a sequel!

  2. Steven Spielberg

    Oh yeah, definitely.

  3. Hollywood Executive

    The only question is - what in the world would the plot be? We've already had 4 excursions to dinosaur-filled islands, and literally every single time it all goes haywire and the dinosaurs go wild and murder everyone. How can we realistically explain why anyone would go back to a dinosaur-filled island AGAIN?

  4. Steven Spielberg

    Oh, because they all know it's dangerous?

  5. Hollywood Executive

    Exactly. They know for certain that there is a 100% chance everything will go wrong and dinosaurs will end up murdering everyone. It has happened literally every single time. What extra twist could we throw in to make it believable that our characters would want to revisit the island?

  6. Steven Spielberg

    What if...the island is exploding?

  7. [extremely long silence]
  8. Hollywood Executive

    what

  9. Steven Spielberg

    Like, a volcano on the island is erupting. And there's flaming debris and smoke and lava everywhere. Total chaos.

  10. Hollywood Executive

    Okay...so that happens after they get to the island? So now they have to deal with dinosaurs and a new threat of an active volcano that they never saw coming?

  11. Steven Spielberg

    No, they knew about the volcano. That's WHY they go to the island in the first place.

  12. [extremely longer silence]
  13. Hollywood Executive

    So, they go to the exploding dinosaur murder island...ON PURPOSE?

  14. Steven Spielberg

    Mhm.

  15. Hollywood Executive

    Okay...............why?

  16. Steven Spielberg

    To save the dinosaurs.

  17. Hollywood Executive

    Like, the friendly dinosaurs? The plant-eaters?

  18. Steven Spielberg

    The velociraptors.

  19. [the longest silence ever known to man]
  20. Steven Spielberg

    It'll make 1.7 billion dollars.

  21. Hollywood Executive

    ...fine, Steven. You win.

Beyond that, it implies a corporation built a SEVERAL BILLION DOLLAR HYPER-ADVANCED DINOSAUR THEME PARK on a remote island and didn't do...any kind of geological survey first? Didn't bother checking if there was a likelihood of a VOLCANO EXPLODING and DESTROYING LITERALLY EVERYTHING?

John Hammond spared no expense, but these jokers spared one of the MOST ESSENTIAL EXPENSES IMAGINABLE.



2. Is Jeff Goldblum only in some courtroom sequences?

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Jurassic World was the first film in the Jurassic franchise to not feature a main character from the first film as the lead character - The Lost World saw Ian Malcolm being a little less snarky and little more dad-ish, and Jurassic Park III saw an older, wiser, and more able-to-speak-raptor Alan Grant. But the only OG Jurassic Park member who returned for Jurassic World was Dr. Wu - a barely-noticeable side character (not to deride B.D. Wong, who is excellent and very talented). So hearing that Jeff Goldblum would be reprising his role as Ian Malcolm for the first time since The Lost World was exciting - we'd get a much older, more cynical, but hopefully just as weird Ian Malcolm, talking about his latest advances in the field of chaos theory and creepily flirting with some ladies by dribbling water onto their hands! Huzzah!

...but from the looks of things, it's probably going to be just more of an extended cameo in some committee hearing about whether it made sense to rescue dinosaurs from the exploding island? And he repeats his catchphrase ("Life finds a way") as if he - as Ian Malcolm - knows that's his character's catchphrase?

It looks like it's some lame fanservice, and I am not onboard with that. GIVE ME JEFF GOLDBLUM ON EXPLODING DINO ISLAND, OR GIVE ME DEATH.



3. What's the deal with Chris Pratt's run?

One of the secret keys to being a great action star is being able to look cool while running - although somehow Tom Cruise has managed to overcome that. And while I never really noticed anything too off about Chris Pratt's running before, his goofy flailing run away from smokey-dino doom certainly doesn't look like it's hitting the right tone. This looks less like serious cool dino trainer fleeing for his life, and more like....Chris Pratt in Parks & Rec:

Questions I Have About The Jurassic World 2 Trailer

At least he doesn't have to run in heels, I guess.



4. So....the T-Rex is now just officially a good guy? Is that what's happening?

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The first two films in the Jurassic Park series are very clear: you do NOT wanna mess with a T-rex, because they will murder the hell out of you. They don't care if you're a lawyer sitting on a toilet, or two dumbass kids who keep shining a high-powered flashlight in your eye, or Jeff Goldblum sitting in the back of a jeep screaming about what speed you would like to be going at. The T-rex is the top of the food chain, and will eat and kill everything else indiscriminately.

...until the end that is, where the heroes find themselves utterly hopeless and defeated and right about to be murdered by the shockingly-smart velociraptors - until the T-rex comes out of nowhere, eats the velociraptors, and essentially just rescues our heroes. It doesn't try to chase after them or really even acknowledge their existence in any way. This was a cool moment, but a VERY weird reversal for the creature at this stage of the film. As it turns out, the original ending saw the heroes using the dinosaur skeleton hanging above them to crush the velociraptors in order to make their escape - an ending that would have been less visually spectacular, but at least would have made a little bit more sense. Director Steven Spielberg decided to change the ending to bring the T-rex back into the picture and give him something of a heroic end, since he knew that it would be the most popular character (not named Ian Malcolm, at least).

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And for a while, this was it - the T-rex doesn't really have any clear "hero" moments in The Lost World or Jurassic Park III, but in homage-fest Jurassic World, T-rex made a triumphant return to hero mode in helping take out the genetically-engineered Murdersaurus Rex and got a pretty cool hero shot ending. You might have thought that was it for the "T-rex helps out the heroes, for some reason" stuff, but no - the T-rex ignores the VOLCANO EXPLODING BEHIND IT to take out a bad guy dinosaur threatening Chris Pratt, and then does a victorious screech into the air.

So....the T-rex is just a straight-up good guy now, it seems. All of those terrifying, tension-filled scenes from the first two films are rendered kinda moot now, since the T-rex is just a friendly rescue dinosaur.



5. What the hell happens AFTER dino-island apocalypse?

So apparently everything in the trailer occurs in the first half of the film - so that means by the time we hit the half-way mark in this movie, the entire island has exploded and 95% of the dinosaurs were incinerated, heroically murdered by a T-rex, or fell into the goddamn ocean. WHERE DOES THE MOVIE GO FROM THERE?

Goddammit. I'm actually curious. YOU WIN, STEVEN SPIELBERG.