This year, it's time to reveal your power levels and showcase your true form. No longer shall we nerds be satisfied with "warm sweaters" or "tasteful gifts". If you're about practicality, nuance, or a curated aesthetic of adult maturity, then kindly GTFO. This list is for people that love CARBON FIBER and RGB LED LIGHTING. These are gift ideas for TRUE Masters of the Blade.

We've gathered 10 gift ideas that are not only semi-affordable, but speak to something primal and pure in our nature. We're going beyond the "fake geeks" and the Funko Pop pretenders. Only the most glorious and smartest Rick and Morty fans can appreciate gifts of this caliber.

If someone you love asks what you want this holiday season, don't lie and mumble something about a Barnes and Noble gift card... look them right in the eye and say LASER GLASSES.

1. 5MW 650nm Stage Red Laser Glasses ($36.99)

laser glasses red lazer

QUICK, NAME YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF THE X-MEN. NOW CHANGE YOUR ANSWER FROM "WOLVERINE" TO THE CORRECT CHOICE, "CYCLOPS". Eye lasers are one of the primordial superpowers in escapist fiction. The fantasy of destroying something with a mere GAZE is a powerful idea, and while these specs don't have the wattage to do serious damage, you WILL look like a futuristic badass while you dazzle and disorient whoever is on the wrong side of these photon-emitting goggles. Created as high-tech DJ / Raver gear, you will get 10 beam-emitting diodes fanning out from your face with a simple push of the button on the right temple, just like Scott Summers himself.

2. Radioactive Glowing Titanium / Tungsten Carbide Self Defense Ring ($45.95)

cringey gifts titanium tritium ring punch punch

Sun Tzu once said "the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting" and if he were alive today I'm sure he'd add "but if you DO have to fight make sure you got a gnalry chunk of metal attached to your fist". This portable self-defense tool can be worn easily across your neck along with the included pendant, but when push comes to "break some fool's nose" this ring made from milled titanium can be a game changer. Adorned with a hardened tungsten carbide bit for extra damage, the ring gives off a colorful blue and green glow thanks to the two embedded tritium vials. Now you may have to check your local laws if you purchase this bad boy, because tritium TECHNICALLY gives off radiation, but the vials will continue to emit light for a decade with no electricity or blacklight needed. NEAT.

3. Deadpool / Leonardo Twin Swords and Back Scabbard Set ($44.98)


Pop culture has taught us time and time again that the only one thing cooler than a katana... is TWO KATANAS. Inspired by pop culture heroes like Rob Liefeld's Deadpool and Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this affordable piece of kit will help you practice such essential moves as "slowly drawing both swords from behind your back while staring down your opponent" and "sheathing two swords at once without fumbling or having it look kind of awkward". Once you master the basics you can upgrade to a REAL forged Japanese katanas which, last time I checked, only cost like $7,000 bucks apiece.


4. Wood Trick Laser-Cut Robotic Hand Kit ($44.99)

wooden hand assembly


If you're a little too old for LEGO and want to experience what life would be like as an eco-friendly cyborg, this fun kit might be up your alley. Made from thin sheets of laser cut wood, the pieces can be assembled into series of joints and levers that result in a gnarly facsimile of the human forearm. Whether you use the final piece for grabbing stuff on the high-shelves or just enjoy an afternoon putting little bits together in the right order. You may find yourself inspired enough to continue building until you have yourself a completely organic exo-suit.


5. Japanese KUJIRA Utility Knife ($39.99)


There's nothing worse than when you need to open a letter or package but then everybody freaks out when you unsheath your 5-inch spyderco spring-loaded tanto edge folding knife. Like come on, guys, this is just my EDC! Anyway, these ergonomic and adorably-designed knives would fit right in any standard office desk and can tackle even the toughest of boxes. Available in several different whale-based styles, these guys get the job done despite not having any tactical advantages.

6. BITTBOY Bootleg Mini NES/Famicom Emulator Console ($39.99)


We know, you've got an N64 emulator on your phone and a hacked NES mini in the living room, but for a convenient and satisfying retro gaming experience on the go, the BITTBOY is one handy little knockoff. Packed with 300 ROMS (including some truly WTF-worthy pokemon bootlegs), the device has a bright backlit LCD screen and solid construction that will definitely turn some heads the next time you bust it out on a packed commuter train. Keep one in your jacket pocket in case of a gamer emergency or give one to your old buddy who quit being your Player Two as soon as he got a girlfriend in 7th grade.


7. Ferrocerium Firestarter and Striker Tool ($37.99)

firestarter campfire ferrocerium rod

Don't believe what the lying media says, we all know the truth is that society is definitely going to fall apart after roaming gangs of unemployed millenials team up with the zombies to destroy the modern world. When the end comes it's important that you and your (potential) family can live OFF THE GRID. With this firestarting kit you can provide heat and energy without having to use such unreliable methods like "matches" or "a lighter". This is definitely a serious thing I'm talking about and not just the fact that STRIKING STEEL AGAINST FLINT and CREATING A SHOWER OF BRILLIANT WHITE-HOT SPARKS isn't ONE OF THE COOLEST FEELINGS IN THE WORLD. Yes indeed this is an important SURVIVAL tool and not just A SUPER RAD WAY TO BURN STUFF. The included paracord lanyard is made with jute fiber that can serve as emergency kindling as well.


8. A Whole Lotta N52-Grade Super Strong Neodymium Magnets ($16.90)

neodymium magnets fun crafts super strong gift ideas

I'm not gonna tell you how you'll end up using 250 high-strength rare earth magnets. I'm just gonna let you know that if you've ever WANTED 250 high-strength rare earth magnets, this is a pretty good deal and you can use them for fidgeting, crafts, maker projects, or just fucking with that old CRT television in your parents' basement. Perhaps you can use them to create a perpetual motion machine, nobody's thought of trying THAT yet, right?


9. Japanese "Double Chin" Toning Belt ($24.00)


The bane of many otherwise very high-T alphas such as myself, the double chin has been a shameful expanse of flesh that can only be covered by the most wily and unkempt beards. But after years of  lackluster results with dietary supplementation, a soy free diet, and very occaisional exercise I've stumbled across a product that will finally give you a jawline that women desire, and weaker men FEAR. According to the site, this belt focuses heat on the problematic underflab and works like a sauna on your neck, practically melting the pounds away. And since it's from Japan (a country that is not totally known for falling for easily debunked health fads) you know it's going to work this time. I mean, it HAS TO. Oh god... I'm so lonely.


10. Adventur 2.0 Multitool Survival Credit Card ($23.99)


Ah, the multi-tool credit card, one of the most alluring siren songs for any geek obsessed with gadgets. While 99% of these tchotchkes are never used, merely toted around in a wallet until it's removed to make room for a Casual Male XL Rewards Club card, the appeal is about increasing one's CAPABILITY. By carrying an additional 1.5 oz hardened steel YOU are just that much more in CONTROL of your reality, just ever-so less helpless by the forces we cannot change. And while the Adventur 2.0 card pulls many of the same tricks as the dime-a-dozen mass produced tools (bottle opener, hex wrench, rulers, wire stripper, etc) its clever two-piece design lets you pull off this neat trick:

arrowhead axe multitool


Along with the arrowhead piece, you're ready for some pretty gnarly situations. So even though you will statistically never EVER need to survive by hunting wild game with a makeshift spear at any point in your entire life, it IS one less thing to worry about.