It seems like this story keeps resurfacing year after year, but it seems all but certain that Sonic will eventually get a live-action movie. But what would you make that movie about? Sonic the Hedgehog has a pretty basic story. Runs fast, fights a bald guy, goes Super Saiyan, makes out with humans. But those are all things we've seen before. We don't want a standard plot. We want a Sonic epic that will go down in film history, something bold, taking from the weirdest source of all -- the horrifying comic world.

For years, Archie Comics published a Sonic the Hedgehog series that was more Saving Private Ryan than Despicable Me. If you cowards want this movie to be a landmark, an Oscar competitor, you're going to steal some plots like these...

1. Knuckles and the Echidnas are Jewish allegories, right down to the Holocaust

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You don't need us to tell you that the Holocaust was one of the most horrible events in modern history and that the repercussions of it are still felt today. People who lived through it are still alive now, and they remember a nightmare that came true. So when faced with the magnitude of that event, the horror of it in human history, how could the Sonic writers NOT adapt it? Of course, since the Holocaust already happened in the Sonicverse (it's a future version of Earth, more on that in a bit), the story needed to be uh, updated. So instead of God's chosen people, the echidnas are the Chaos Emerald's chosen protectors.

The basic idea goes that Knuckles and the Echidnas are the in-universe parallel to Jewish people, with the Chaos Emeralds coming to represent YAHWEH. Heck of a way to get kids to convert to Judaism.

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Now, because this comic was more bananas than anything published before the invention of the internet, the Jewish subtext couldn't stop there. Eventually a group of dingos began to subjugate the echidnas, even putting them in concentration camps.

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If that's not explicit enough for you, an early issue of the Knuckles comic literally replicates a famous Holocaust poem, replacing "Socialists" and "Jews" with "foxes" and "hedgehogs." The worst part might be the poem attributing the text to "Anonymous" when its author Martin Niemoller was sent to a concentration camp for seven years after its publication.

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Now, this -- said every kid in the 90s -- is the material I look for in my Archie published video game tie-in.


2. Sonic's Story is on a Post-Apocalyptic Earth With a Secret, Hidden Human City

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You know those dumb fan theories that suggest Rugrats is a post-apocalyptic world and our heroes are telling themselves stories to protect from the ever encroaching dark? Well, Sonic basically took a look at those ridiculous twists and went, "Dang, can't believe they stole from us." As it turns out, everyone in the Sonicverse really is living in a far-flung future where all we know has crumbled to dust. When Sonic speeds over the road, he's peeling out on our bones.

But what about the "people" like Robotnik/Eggman? In the comics, those humanoids are a race called Overlanders. Think of them as a prettier version of the ghouls from the Fallout games. They're basically mutated monster creatures that are mostly sentient but not quite the same as their pre-apocalypse brethren. The big difference between Overlanders and humans is that Overlanders have four fingers, versus the human normal of 67.

And just like the ghouls, the overlanders mutated after a gene bomb was dropped during a Final War. (Yes, there was a War to End Worlds in Sonic. We'll get to it in a second.) That "gene bomb" is what created the Overlanders, and just so happened to make it possible  for a certain hedgehog to gain his radical 'tude and unbelievable speed. 

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But what about the princess? Or all those people who look realistic and not like a cartoon fever dream? Those are the humans that escaped the devastating effects of the gene bomb, part of a fraction of humanity that hid out in underground cities that were later discovered in a rip-off of "Land of the Lost." While the rest of the world lived in a horror show, these small cities developed beautifully in their safe vacuums.

Basically, all of the reptilian conspiracies? Well, in Sonic, they're true! Except with humans and not Lizards. And not anti-semitic. Probably. 

3. That Time a Hot Dog Provoked an Overdose

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How dangerous could something called "Lemon Sundrop Dandelion" be in a comic about big robots and tiny animals? The mind doesn't immediately jump to a highly addictive poison... until you read the initials of Lemon Sundrop Dandelion.

The "Chaotix Caper" follows an outbreak of overdoses on said drug due to food contamination, which frequently occurred in the younger set. This was quickly tracked to the local amusement park, where our heroes uh, ate some shady-ass hot dogs.

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The theme park owner's synthetic LSD proved fatal when one of Knuckles' friends, a bee named Mello, ingested some and died. Try not to think about that sentence too hard.

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Despite this being the plot point of a Simpsons' fan fic by George RR Martin, Mello's hot dog death was treated with all the gravitas of any other plot point (so, none). We're not saying we've included all the elements a Sonic movie needs to become an Oscar award-winner, but someone else should say that.


4. The weirdly serious anti-gun parable

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Unless you count Shadow the Hedgehog, and you never should, guns don't often come into play in Sonic games. But guns aren't a mere feature in the Sonic comics -- they're an intrinsic part of the story. Remember that gene bomb that ended the world? It was a direct result of a gun accident. This isn't us reading into it, either; this is how the comic presents it.

See, back in the old times, two countries were in basically a Cold War, but the princes of each became friends. One day, when hanging out, there was a gun accident, with one of the princes killing the other.

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After that, everything spiraled into a war that would mutate a somewhat furry rock into a blue dude with 'tude.

That's not the only instance of anti-gun sentiment but honestly could this be any less subtle? It's not a point we necessarily disagree with but oh my god, was there not a better place for it then a comic where a hedgehog spins into a ball and hits people with his butt?


5. Super Sonic Goes Super Dickish

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In the game world, Super Sonic is is pretty much just a Super Saiyan version of Sonic. However, the comics couldn't let Super Sonic become the cool-ass powerhouse he deserves to be. Instead, he turned it into what your grandmother thinks a metal fan looks like. Once he goes blonde, Sonic's eyes turn to red swirls, drool slides out of his mouth and his teeth become jagged and sharp.

Because the comic writers decided there weren't enough heavy-handed messages in comics, they decided to hammer home the idea that "absolute power corrupts absolutely." In this case, when Comic Sonic becomes Super Saiyan, he becomes a huge dick that can also shoot lasers out of his eyes. Here's evil Super Sonic laughing after believing he's just killed all of his friends and family before turning back to normal.

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Eventually Sonic splits from Super Sonic, essentially giving himself a twin. Dazed by the separation, Super Sonic gets amnesia and just kind of wanders around for a while. 

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With all the gun accidents, drug overdoses and evil twins, at some point comics just become soap operas.