Open on a lonely highway. It's Bulk Day, get all your crap to the curb. Rick takes a note from inside a microwave.
The dino damage Hot Wheelz return to Alexandria. The Kingdom mourns the loss of the red shirts.
Carol cleans a revolver in full BMX pads because she wants everyone at the Kingdom to know she fucks. "It's called peacocking. My Sanctuary aint undead just yet."
Rick's voiceover and the sad violin music may as well just be a big title card that says "THIS IS SAD. YOU ARE SAD." for 5 minutes.
The class presidents pass notes to each other to let each one know what happened with the dreamy new guy, Negan.
Pictured above - a horde of sale hungry shoppers claw at the exterior of a Best Buy on Black Friday, 2017.
Stop. Stop everything. What in the good fuck is happening here. Trash People, god damn you freaky.
Jesus hands out turnips to the prisoners of war, which I'm sure is against the Geneva Convention.
Gregory wants Maggie to build a gallows and put the Saviors down. It's not a bad idea. Meanwhile, Johnny Turnip-seed is all "no way, peace and love dude." Ugh, smoke another J, you hippie.
Rick meets with the (now clothed) Trash Folk. Trash Queen still talks like Kevin from The Office when he thought cutting out extraneous words from his speech would save time but he just sounded like he had a stroke.
Sopping wet Rick says they need each other. He takes out his scrapbook to flex his murder peen. He offers a better deal, which is basically an ultimatum: join us or we'll fuck you up. Trash Queen says no, though. Oh well. Won't be seeing them again I guess.
Gregory Wormtongue's in Maggies ear, telling her to trust her gut and slaughter the captured Saviors. Yeah, do it. Honestly. Trash Queen was right - these people DO talk to much. It's like when you're with a group of friends and no one can agree on what place to order food from. It's pizza. It's always pizza.
Rosita and Michonne got in a car but I don't know, my eyes just kind of glazed over at that point. Daryl and Tara are basically like "yo we 'ave to knife those Saviors, bruv." They are English in my headcanon. Also Tara is a meta character like Deadpool that knows she is on a bad tv show.
Some fucking Joey Mozzerella from Brooklyn starts yappin' about joining groups and how he's no angel... dude whatever. Go choke on a meatball."Eyy I'm walkin' here!"
Rosita and Michonne talk and drive. And then they stop talking and stop driving. They hear someone's fire_emoji mixtape and go to grab the aux cord.
Carl, ever trusting/stupid, finds that rando (who has a very trendy haircut for living alone and on the run in the zombie apocalypse) in the woods somehow and throws him his lunchables. He asks the Three Riddles and questions him about his Zombie traps. Apparently this guy is trying to free their souls? Get out of their, Carl.
Lil' Billy Bo Staff is in the woods wailing ineffectually on some Walkers while Carol walks up and tells him how stupid he is. Carol, and intellectual, hands him a loaded gun.
Maggie instructs a teenage girl to walk alone and deliver a message in front of a few dozen pissed off murderers. How big is the Hilltop? I have a feeling Maggie could have just shouted "Yo, Jesus!" moderately loud and achieved the same result. Jesus leads the Saviors to their new home: a very humane, barbed wire pen out in the open with no roof to protect against the elements.
Gregory tells Maggie they can't have their enemies running around inside their walls, and to that she says "yeah totally so get in their with them lmao.""How do you plead... Lord Baelish?"
Carl and his new friend find some souls they need to save as they are neck deep in deer intestines. And then we get some zombie killing, which is a good place to bring up a gripe of mine: the way ALL the characters (even the ones that are extremely proficient at walker killing) react when a zombie closes in on them and they are prepared to kill them is to put their hands on the zombie's shoulders and struggle for a second as the thing bites at their faces, before taking their knife and putting it in the zombie's brain. The walkers are SLOW and CLUMSY, juke back or to the side and slam your knife into their skull. There is no need to put your ungloved hands all up on their torsos until an arbitrary amount of TENSION BUILDING occurs."Let me get a little nibble."
So yeah Carl almost gets chomped because he's a stupid douche. How are you still so bad at this? You have a gun in your hand!!
Michonne and Rosita find some Saviors conveniently talking about the secret weapon they are guarding. A subtle game of cat and mouse is interrupted when Rosita blows a dude up with an RPG. Total hax. AMC, please nerf.
Micho-two high-tails it out of there with Doof Tips' ride from Mad Max: Fury Road. That is until Daryl slams her with a truck.
Carol wants to see the King and was prepared to blow the lock off the door with a shotgun because I guess bullets aren't a highly valuable and scarce resource now? Just, like, who cares? Let's empty clip after clip into the sides of cars, windows, inanimate objects...
Ezekial realizes method acting isn't for him. Long Haired Douche Savior is trying to cut his restraints with a rock, but Tony Spaghetti stops him. Maggie tells Jesus that the cpatured Saviors are only alive because they could be used as bargaining chips - but if they can't, then you'd better dig a bunch of graves.
Trash Queen is keeping Rick alive, and naked, in a shipping container with built in glory holes.
"Um. Guys? Hello?"
Not the worst episode of the season. It at the very least wasn't an hour of bullshit fire fights, but the love I had for this show is draining out of me week by week. Just get on with it. Whatever the end game this season is, do it. Negan dies? Carl gets caught in the cross fire? Maggie decapitates Gregory? All good. Just GET TO IT ALREADY. Or just literally kill everyone and end the season/show early, I just can't take it anymore.
The thing is, The Walking Dead at this point is FINE. But 10 seasons of a show that is just "fine" is hardly worth it.