Nintendo, please hear me out: I have nothing but love and respect in my heart for you. Your commitment to original ideas, engaging games, and always delivering a top-notch, quality experience is more than admirable in an age where every other company is doing everything they can to wring a few more pennies from their customers. Particularly in the world of videogames, your restraint is impressive - EA has been getting dragged non-stop for weeks now over their aggressive, shady monetization schemes around Battlefront II (which it appears like they may have given in on), but you saw that it was better to put your fans' experiences ahead of the short-term gains of gouging customers with convoluted pay-to-win integrations. Everyone is begging EA to reconsider their policy on microtransactions - and rightly so. You serve as a shining example of what game companies SHOULD be.

But, please, for the love of fucking god, give me some kind of microtransaction bullshit for Mario Odyssey so I can get this stupid fucking jump rope Power Moon. Goddamn.


I have been intermittently trying to complete this awful challenge of yours for at least 8 hours now. Not consecutive hours, mind you, because I usually get too insanely frustrated after about 6 or 7 tries and literally have to move onto anything else so I don't smash my Switch into a thousand pieces. But it's ALWAYS at the back of my mind, taunting me, reminding me of my failure. I can accomplish pretty much everything else in this game - I beat your crummy RC car mini-game, I even slogged through that bullshit volleyball thing. But this jump rope challenge is insurmountable for me, so please Christ just let me pay you $2 or something.


Wanna do loot boxes? Fine, I can do loot boxes. Maybe there's a power-up where all of your jumps count as TWO jumps - so I only need to do 50 to get the required 100. I could live with that. I'm sick of this fun, inventive game you've created mostly just serving as a constant reminder of my failure. I can barely look at the Switch without thinking about that stupid jump rope. It haunts me while I work on my laptop, while I watch TV - it's like The Tell-Tale Heart of me sucking at videogames.

I understand you have certain brand values you would not want to compromise - your approach to DLC thus far has been equitable and fair. Always lots of extra content, never feeling like it was anything that was cut from the original vision of the game, and always fairly priced. I understand you don't want to follow in the less-reputable footsteps of EA or mobile game devs, but I will lick your asshole clean if you just let me pay someone $5 so I never have to think about this stupid jump rope Power Moon ever again for the rest of my fucking life.

The alternative is not something I want to consider - having to hone my skills and reaction-time to master the challenge on my strengths as a gamer alone. Simply put, that's never going to happen. Every day I get older - and with that, my reaction speed gets worse, my hands grow wearier, and my ability to spend 10 hours a day playing Mario games wanes. If I have to rely on my own wits, I'm doomed. Yes, I've tried timing it based on when the women say "hey!" or when the rope hits the dirt. I've tried using the little scooter. I've tried everything.

How much money do you want to make the jump rope leave me alone? $10? I'll pay you $10, you bloodsucking ghouls.

Dear Nintendo, Please Add Microtransactions To Mario Odyssey

Maybe it's not money you're interested in, but merely watching gamers like me squirm uncomfortably and lose our minds in frustration. I can respect that as well, as it would probably be super funny to see me sitting on the toilet so long my legs fall asleep desperately trying to make a cartoon plumber jump rope real good and swearing under my breath. If I was just some neutral observer of myself, that would be extremely funny. But unfortunately, I am that shitty nerd whose legs keep falling asleep on the toilet. And I need you to set me free.

You don't have to be EA. I wouldn't want you to be EA. But, just this once, can you be a LITTLE BIT as shitty as EA? PLEASE?


I patiently await your response. Like, very patiently. My legs are hyper-asleep and I'm on the toilet so it's gonna be a while.

Check out my Facebook page for an audio version of this article and to yell at me for my terrible opinions more.