Guardians of the Galaxy was the Marvel movie that probably had the most doubt cast on it - it was almost entirely set in outerspace, featuring a cast that included a talking raccoon and a walking tree that could only say one phrase. Really, it was the weirdest and least-known property they had - and, lo and behold, it turned out to be amazing (check out our review!).

Still - there are a few things that are still bothering us about Guardians of the Galaxy...


1. Where is Star-Lord finding AA batteries?


One of Star-Lord's defining character traits is his attachment to an old Walkman given to him by his mother, on which he listens to the hits of the 70s as he casually ejaculates all over his spaceship in the style of Jackson Pollock. The problem is that Walkmans run on AA batteries, a thing that is probabbbbbbbly only available on Earth. Like, it seems that everything else in the Guardians of the Galaxy universe is hyper-advanced, technology-wise. Odds are they aren't relying on tiny acid-based  batteries for everything - and even if they do, odds are they wouldn't be the exact same shape and size of AA batteries.

Like, they probably have some kind of hyper-advanced space iPods for everything anyhow. Like, an iPod that's also a phone. And a camera! Wow, can you imagine?


2. Why does is Drax's literal-ness so inconsistent?


Drax's whole "thing" is that he interprets the world extremely literally - they even make a joke about how most things fly over his head (except no they wouldn't because he would catch them), like he's some sort of murderous alien Amelia Bedelia. The weird thing is that the movie spends a good amount of time driving this idea in and wringing it for comedy - but then gets inconsistent with it. Here's a couple metaphors and turn-of-phrases that DIDN'T go over Drax's head:


Drax the Destroyer: Yes. Of course Ronan was only a puppet. It's really Thanos that I need to kill.

If Drax is saying this, that means he believes Ronan was literally a puppet. Like, a wooden doll on strings or something. Because, again, Drax only understands things in their literal sense.


Drax the Destroyer: This one shows spirit. He shall make a keen ally in the battle against Ronan.

Unless Drax means Star-Lord is literally exposing his soul, this doesn't make much sense.


Rocket Raccoon: None of this would've happened if you hadn't tried to take on an frickin' army!

Drax the Destroyer: You're right. I was a fool. All that anger. All that rage. It just covered my loss.

Drax should be extremely confusing what "fricking" is and why an army would be doing it.


Peter Quill: Today it's giving us something. It is giving us a chance.

Drax the Destroyer: To do what?

Peter Quill: To give a shit.

Drax should have taken a huge shit right here, handed it to Quill, and smiled real big - thinking he did what Chris Pratt wanted. It would have been a funny moment! Well, maybe it would have been a little crass. But there's no excuse for the movie not indicating Drax assumed the big pump-up speech was about getting everyone to poop on the floor.


Note: at first I, like many people, was REAL confused why Drax refers to Gamora as a "green whore." Like, the "green" part I get. She's VERY green. Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's the Chicago River on St. Patrick's Day (BEFORE it gets flooded with vomit). But the "whore" part is....weird. There's been no indication Gamora has ever even HAD sex as far as Drax knows, let alone the idea that she works as a prostitute. For someone so literal-minded, this is pretty much the opposite of literal (on top of coming across as weird and uncomfortable). But apparently he's just repeating what Gamora was being called by other prisoners during her initial entrance and doesn't realize the significance of it. It's still not a very good callback and could have DEFINITELY been made clearer (or just have him call her something else), but at least it's not completely out of nowhere.


3. Wait, Groot can learn new words?!


Groot has been alive for a long time - we don't know EXACTLY how long, but it seems he's been around the universal block a few times...yet, in that time, he's only learned one phrase: "I AM GROOT." He uses this to communicate everything, since it's the only way he can speak. Until the end of the movie, when he says "WE ARE GROOT." So...not only can he learn new words (two, at least), but he understands THE RULES OF GRAMMAR.

I think Groot's been fucking with people (Rocket, specifically) for years - pretending to only be able to say one phrase, when in fact he had the entirety of the English language down cold. Why? Who knows, he's a weird regenerating tree-man who has the creepiest/most hilarious reaction to brutally murdering a hallway filled with dudes ever.


4. Why is Gamora the worst assassin ever?


Gamora is referred to as a living weapon - someone raised PURELY to kick ass on a non-stop basis. Here are the fights she then engages in:

  • Totally blows a fight between herself, Star-Lord (a bumbling human idiot), Groot (a sentient tree), and Rocket Raccoon (a space raccoon). Isn't able to take on these three (although Groot is a formidable opponent) AND gets captured. LOSS!
  • Gets taken ahold of by two random dudes in prison and nearly killed by Drax, but is thankfully saved by Chris Pratt. LOSS!
  • Beats up a bunch of people while escaping prison. WIN!
  • Gets her ship blown up by her sister Nebula (although, to be fair, this wasn't a physical battle, so whatever), but is thankfully saved by Chris Pratt. LOSS!
  • Barely defeats her sister, who doesn't even die. WIN! Sorta.

But hey! She won 2ish out of 4 or 5 fights. That's...not bad? Actually, that is pretty bad - especially the prison thing. At least none of her new friends call her a "whore" for no reason OH WAIT*


*even with the explanation, it's still pretty bad.

5. Why doesn't Thanos do anything about Ronan's betrayal?


Really threatening there, Thanos, sitting on your chair and not doing anything when others betray you. Hey, remember when Loki fucked up your schemes and lost your scepter in The Avengers, and you allowed him to be jailed in Asgard and never had him face any consequences? And now Ronan AND Gamora betray you, and you don't even GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR to try to punish them? Maybe this is all part of your plan to make yourself seem like a helpless turd, so when you DO finally get the Infinity Gauntlet, no one will expect you to be able to do anything with it.

Which is actually kinda brilliant. Nevermind.


6. How does Star-Lord know who Jackson Pollock is?


Star-Lord left for space when he was like 10 years old. Did he study abstract expressionist art in-between episodes of GI Joe? Also, Rocket Raccoon seems to get the reference, which is doubly weird.

7. Hey, why does the Collector's slave-girl try to grab the Power Stone IMMEDIATELY after he explains how deadly it is?


Like, she clearly isn't being guarded or anything. She coulda just WALKED OUT while the Collector was delivering exposition, right? Or, if she really wanted to get some sweet vengeance on the Collector, just stab him or shoot him or anything that doesn't involve your body being burned away from the inside out with one of the most powerful artifacts in the universe (and also wrecking the Collector's sweet museum - which, by the way, seems to mostly be glass containment units?! Hey, the Collector, if all of this stuff is so valuable and precious to you, maybe get something stronger than glass to protect it).

8. Why does Baby Groot try to hide its dancing from Drax?


In one of the most memorable post-credits scenes in Marvel history, Baby Groot dances adorably to the Jackson Five while Drax sharpens one of his knives - but freezes up the instant Drax looks at him, then resumes dancing when Drax looks away. It's cute! But it also makes no sense. Why is he afraid to caught dancing by Drax? Did Gamora tell Drax about the plot of Footloose between scenes, and Drax ended up sympathizing more with John Lithgow and has since outlawed dancing on the ship? Is he sharpening his knife because that's what he uses to enforce his new anti-dancing agenda? Is this years later and Baby Groot is still that size because Drax keeps cutting him down every time he's caught dancing?

It would explain why Groot seems so terrified at the possibility of being seen moving around, like he's in Toy Story or something all of a sudden.