Today, director James Gunn revealed the new one-sheet for his hotly-anticipated sequel, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. And, as expected, it's trash. Just pure, unadulterated GARBAGE. Check it out:

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Terrible, right? Maybe even worse than the first one?

Well, if you can choke back the vomit that's no doubt working its way up your esophagus right now, we can explain why it's such a rancid turd of a poster:



The Main Character Weirdly Appearing Twice For Some Reason: F

Ugh, this REALLY isn't complicated, James Gunn. There's an ironclad rule in the How To Make Good Posters Rulebook that you simply DO NOT mess up: ALWAYS HAVE THE MAIN CHARACTER APPEARING TWO TIMES ON THE POSTER, FOR SOME REASON. Hell, Marvel Studios PERFECTED this rule - and yet Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 STILL managed to mess it up. Awful.

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The Actors Are All Lined Up With Giant Heads and the Names Appear Above the Wrong People: D

Sure, none of the names really match up with the actors or their characters, but they're in a big group and not lined up in a way where we could easily apply each name to the wrong person. Frankly, I thought Hollywood had figured this out by now and we could move on.

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The Main Dude Is Holding the Damsel In Distress Against His Chest While Looking Ominously Off to the Side While Everyone Else Is Awkwardly Floating Around In the Background In a Monochromatic Filter: F

Someone must be playing sports with greasy hands - because this Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 poster just KEEPS. DROPPING. THE. BALL.

Marvel ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS PERFECTLY. You take the strong buff hero guy and have the pathetic helpless girlfriend pressed up against his strong, masculine chest while looking fearful. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. When you DON'T do this - how am I supposed to know how shitty and scared the girlfriend is? Or how stoic and strong the cool guy hero is?

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Every Character Awkwardly Photoshopped From Totally Separate Photoshoots Into Group Shots, With No Clear Idea of Where Any of Them Are Grounded, And Less Important Characters Made Inexplicably Tiny, Alongside Random Other Segments of the Film Portrayed Around The Edges, In What Ends Up Looking Like A Huge Jumbled Mess: A+!!!

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Wow, they REALLY learned some lessons from the terrible, mostly-cohesive look of the first Guardians of the Galaxy poster - this one's got it all!

  • Chris Pratt's limbs inorganically-twisted by Adobe Photoshop so that he's serenely staring at the 4th wall while shooting off into the distance without looking as to what he would be aiming at.
  • Half the characters staring at the 4th wall (Star-Lord, Gamora, Yondu), the other half looking at an unseen enemy off to the side (Drax, Rocket, Nebula), and one character looking in a direction that none of the other characters are (Baby Groot) - with no real understanding of why ONLY YONDU SPECIFICALLY IS SMILING AT ME.
  • Yondu, Nebula, and (especially) Mantis all getting progressively tinier and in wildly different poses (everyone's in semi-attack mode EXCEPT Mantis, who is just calmly looking around)
  • Random sequences from the movie - including a bunch of dudes falling, the fight with the tentacle-monster, and the meeting with the golden throne lady - interspersed throughout in a way that just confuses things and leaves no actual impact or understanding as to what we should take away from their inclusion.






The overall cons:

  • Too colorful and expressive
  • Names aren't awkwardly applied to the wrong actors
  • Chris Pratt doesn't appear twice in the same poster
  • The strong male hero isn't cradling his weak, helpless girlfriend against his mighty chest



The overal pros:

  • It looks like a slapdash photoshop job done over a weekend where some poor designer was trying to jam in a bunch of studio-mandated characters and bits even though he knew it would look overstuffed and jumbled



Final Grade: D



Luckily - AGAIN - I've been able to whip up a much better replacement for the film than the PROFESSIONAL POSTER-MAKERS were able to do:

The Terrible New Poster For 'Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2', Reviewed

YOU'RE WELCOME!