Today, director James Gunn revealed the new one-sheet for his hotly-anticipated sequel, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. And, as expected, it's trash. Just pure, unadulterated GARBAGE. Check it out:
Terrible, right? Maybe even worse than the first one?
Well, if you can choke back the vomit that's no doubt working its way up your esophagus right now, we can explain why it's such a rancid turd of a poster:
Ugh, this REALLY isn't complicated, James Gunn. There's an ironclad rule in the How To Make Good Posters Rulebook that you simply DO NOT mess up: ALWAYS HAVE THE MAIN CHARACTER APPEARING TWO TIMES ON THE POSTER, FOR SOME REASON. Hell, Marvel Studios PERFECTED this rule - and yet Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 STILL managed to mess it up. Awful.
Sure, none of the names really match up with the actors or their characters, but they're in a big group and not lined up in a way where we could easily apply each name to the wrong person. Frankly, I thought Hollywood had figured this out by now and we could move on.
Someone must be playing sports with greasy hands - because this Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 poster just KEEPS. DROPPING. THE. BALL.
Marvel ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS PERFECTLY. You take the strong buff hero guy and have the pathetic helpless girlfriend pressed up against his strong, masculine chest while looking fearful. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. When you DON'T do this - how am I supposed to know how shitty and scared the girlfriend is? Or how stoic and strong the cool guy hero is?
Wow, they REALLY learned some lessons from the terrible, mostly-cohesive look of the first Guardians of the Galaxy poster - this one's got it all!
Luckily - AGAIN - I've been able to whip up a much better replacement for the film than the PROFESSIONAL POSTER-MAKERS were able to do: