1. Why is everyone giving Charlie Brown so much shit for what is clearly seasonal affective disorder?

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Every Christmas, Charlie Brown gets sad and can't figure out why - he knows he should be pumped for Christmas like all the other kids, but he's depressed. Maybe it's the commercialism (his theory). Maybe it's the fact that he's got no parents and is raising his little sister on his own and is completely bald (my theory). Or maybe it's that this sounds exactly like seasonal affective disorder (a common mood disorder, typically affecting people at the onset of winter, in response to colder weather and less sunlight, amongst other causes).

Of course, this leads to all the kids treating Charlie Brown like garbage for daring to be clinically depressed. Lucy, Violet, and even Linus give Charlie Brown endless hassling for not feeling great. Lay off, you little assholes, he's like 8 years old and is still having to deal with nearly getting strangled by his dog.

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2. Why won't Linus stop his sermon for one second to help his friend?

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Charlie Brown is in a rough spot - everyone's pissed at him for getting "the wrong tree" and he just wants someone to explain to him the meaning of Christmas. And Linus, his best friend in the world and the person he trusts above all others, goes and delivers a freakin' sermon.

Yes, Linus, that's the origin of Christmas, but it sure as hell isn't the MEANING. All Charlie Brown really wanted (and more importantly NEEDED) to hear is that Christmas is about giving, and friendship, and family, and togetherness, and NOT commercialism. All you did was recite some Bible verses, without any context or insight. And predictably, Charlie Brown gets basically nothing out of Linus' speech, and just leaves to go try to decorate his twig-tree.

But here's the real thing: just stop giving him shit about picking "a bad tree" and realize that - since a tree is just a symbol - picking the most humble and modest one is actually MORE IN LINE with your "true meaning of Christmas" than any of the others. That's kind of the point of your Biblical speech - your savior had the most humble and unassuming birth for the supposed son of God: he was born in a manger, surrounding by livestock, and with no fanfare around it.

That's how you know there was no meaning behind Linus' sermon - even he doesn't get it.

3. Isn't Linus Biblical speech kind of ruined by his insane worship of the Great Pumpkin? 

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Oh yeah also don't forget Linus prays to the Great Pumpkin for a good portion of the year - and praying to false gods is a pretty big no-no in the Bible, so probably don't take him too seriously.

4. Wasn't this play supposed to be about Jesus?

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I really have no idea what the kids' play is supposed to be - you assume it's the story of Jesus Christ's birth, but there's no Joseph, Mary, or Jesus - there's an innkeeper (Pigpen), a shepherd (Linus), and animals (all of which are supposed to be played by Snoopy, including a penguin). After that, things get confusing - Lucy is playing "The Christmas Queen", whatever that means (I guess Mary?). Also, since Linus gives his speech about Christmas after Charlie Brown tries to direct the kids, I guess Charlie Brown doesn't know the story of the first Christmas?

It makes pretty much zero sense, but at least it's an excuse to see the kids go hogwild dancing. Seriously, their weird dancing is just the best thing ever.

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5. The children just wave their arms around Charlie Brown's twig-tree and it magically turns into a full tree???

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They should be using their warlock powers to, I dunno - clean Pigpen? Cure world hunger? Make their parents reappear? Or maybe it's the childrens' unholy magical powers that disappeared all of their parents in the first place - sort of like that Twilight Zone episode where the little kid sent people he didn't like "to the cornfield." Maybe the reason none of the adults can speak in any tone except trombone-esque "wahhhh"s is because of a curse placed on them by some unruly kids? HOLY SHIT MAYBE THEY GOT THEIR POWERS FROM THE GREAT PUMPKIN???

6. On a bit of a meta-note, the behind-the-scenes behavior of ABC/Hulu is insanely and tragically ironic

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If you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC nowadays, you may notice something pretty crazy - a few scenes you remember from previous airings are now missing entirely, primarily Sally writing a letter to Santa Claus with her demands and Schroeder trying to play Jingle Bells at Lucy's repeated request. But why would you cut these (very funny) scenes from an already short program? To make room for more commercials...in the special about how Christmas has become too commercialized.

Sidenote: Here's Sally's letter to Santa, and here's Schroeder and Lucy working on Jingle Bells. Fuck you, ABC.

7. Does no one realize that having a perfect Christmas tree goes against the entire theme of the special? 

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I mentioned this before, but the ending to A Charlie Brown Christmas is entirely fucked up. It always sat a little uncomfortably with me, but I couldn't put my finger on why (or I was too busy not writing internet articles overanalyzing children's cartoons, hard to remember). Watching it again, it finally hit me: this is the most depressing "dark timeline"-esque ending POSSIBLE.

Charlie Brown starts out the special bemoaning the overcommercialization of Christmas and explaining how he feels like an outsider - unable to share in the joys of presents and shiny decorations that everyone else seems to be so enraptured in. Lucy tries to mend his problems by making him the director of the Christmas play, but that doesn't help really - he doesn't know how to direct, or get anyone to listen to him, or even what the play's supposed to be ABOUT. So he goes and tries to find a Christmas tree - and when he finds the pathetic little twig-tree, his heart is warmed for the first time in the entire special.

This is what Christmas means to Charlie Brown, and this is what Christmas is SUPPOSED to mean to everyone (according to Linus' speech anyhow). The tiny little twig-tree is the most important symbol in the entire show, because it IS what Christmas is all about. It's the humble little thing that no one would normally give a second glance to - among the sea of garish, multi-colored aluminum trees, it's the only one with any authenticity. The rest of the trees are man-made, designed to be huge and eye-catching and - here we go - commercial. Then there's this tiny sapling, pathetic and forgettable, unremarkable and small, but real.

In other words, of all the trees, it's the Charlie Browniest.

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Naturally, Charlie Brown chooses that tree, despite the protestations of Linus (who - after his Jesus speech - should see the parallels here). And - also naturally - everyone rails on Charlie Brown for his terrible, uncommercial decision. So Charlie Brown leaves with his tiny tree, at first hopeful that he can make the others see what he sees in this little thing. But it's too fragile - when he tries to add an ornament, it stretches the tree to its breaking point, and he thinks he's killed it. Much like Charlie Brown, the little guy can't handle commercialization - and trying to force it just results in tragedy.

Just like the ornament breaks the tree, it breaks Charlie Brown too - he gives up and goes inside, convinced he's utterly failed at Christmas. Then the rest of the kids return and find Charlie Brown's little broken tree. Linus looks closely and says "It's really not such a bad little tree..." and - for a fleeting second - there's hope that the rest of the kids will see what Charlie Brown saw. They'll see Christmas isn't about ornaments and gifts and bright lights, but about helping prop up the smallest and most helpless of us all, and making them feel like they're a part of something bigger. It's about appreciating things for what they are, and accepting everyone and everything as wonderful.

Instead, they wave their arms and transform Charlie Brown's wonderful little tree into the commercialized ideal of modern Christmas trees (although how they added the pine needles to it remains a mystery). It's a complete slap in the face to the biggest theme of Peanuts - it'd be like Charlie Brown being sad because he's Charlie Brown and the kids transform him into Fonzie or something. It's a complete bastardization of the wonderful simplicity of Charlie Brown's tree. They ruin it, and turn it into what THEY wanted the whole time, instead of what Charlie Brown needed.

But here's the even sadder part - Charlie Brown comes out and sees what they've done to his little tree...and he loves it. He's totally onboard - because he's given up. He was broken by the ridicule he suffered and his sad attempt at ornament-ing up his tree, so when he sees the twig-tree transformed into a replica of every other commercialized tree out there, he's ecstatic. Charlie Brown has given up his attempt to buck against the trends of commercialization. He's accepted that commercialization is the way to go. Who cares about individualism and things being special the way they are? He doesn't need any of that anymore, because he's realized it's just easier to do what everyone else expects of you.

Of all the Charlie Brown specials, this ending is the least Charlie Brown-y of all.