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Nintendo needs their new console, the Nintendo Switch (formerly known only as the NX), to be a major success. Their previous console, the Wii U, came out four years ago to lackluster sales, which never saw a major upswing, likely due to the anemic game lineup it saw over the years. And while it produced a few fantastic games, it's not surprising the console never truly connected with mass audiences: everything from the name to the clunky Gamepad made for an awkward fit for the consumer market. This has to have been a sobering few years for Nintendo, particularly coming off the blockbuster success of the Wii and their DS/3DS handheld efforts.

Now they're pinning their hopes on the Switch - which saw a flurry of excited reactions yesterday after the official announcement was made. And while the system at its core feels a bit like what the Wii U was toying with by promoting the ability to take your TV-bound console game experience on the go, it very much looks like something that could stand out in a crowded videogame market - combining Nintendo's key strengths of mobile gaming and stellar first-party support.

But there's one element Nintendo needs to consider if they truly want to guarantee the console's success: giving a free one to Dorkly when it launches in March 2017. Or, like, a few weeks ahead of time.

 

1. There is literally no more major influencer amongst gamers than Dorkly

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When you think "major influence in the gaming community", what does your mind go to? IGN, GameSpot, GiantBomb, Polygon, Kotaku, RoosterTeeth, Twitch, Jim Sterling, or any number of Let's Players? Absolutely not. Your mind goes directly to Dorkly dot com. We're the primary tastemaker of the world of gaming, and if they want to ensure that we are making content around their new console, they need to send us a free Switch.

...okay, so maybe we're not QUITE as influential as some (or any) of those brands and individuals mentioned, but we've probably gotten people to buy at least $300 worth of Nintendo stuff over the years, right? Plus, all those other brands and publishers and content-creators get free ones, so why not us too? We've made enough comics and articles about Pokemon and Mario and Zelda that it's pretty much free advertising for them, so we're just asking for a sweetass Switch in return.



2. I bought a Wii U, so Nintendo kinda owes me one

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Think about it, Nintendo - we've been longtime supporters of you. I actually bought a Wii U (and sometimes would bring it into the office to play Smash Bros.), and you give it less than a four-year lifespan before pulling the plug. Not that I really feel cheated - I got to play Wind Waker HD, Super Mario 3D World, Smash Bros., Mario Kart 8, and more on your very cool console (also I got hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too long playing Pikmin 3 on the Gamepad but I won't hold that against anyone but myself).

But the fact that I'd been sitting here patiently waiting for Breath of the Wild and now there's gonna be a sweeter-looking version out for the Switch, I feel like you need to do right by me and send us a free version of the Switch. And it wouldn't even be for just me! It would sit in the office and be enjoyed by all. I mean, I would get first dibs on it, but still.



3. We promise to buy and play a bunch of the new games as they come out

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Again, I own a Wii U, and have been buying games for it throughout its entire lifecycle, even during dire periods where there was nothing coming out except Yarn Metroid Federation Force 2 (no need to doublecheck that). The point is, all of us here have a deep love for Nintendo's first-party games and the company's dedication to quality and fun after all these years, and so we'll probably spend more on games than Nintendo would lose in sending us a free Switch. It's a net-profit for Nintendo in the end, so Nintendo needs to ask themselves, "Can we afford to NOT send Dorkly a free Switch?"

(The answer is "No" by the way)

 

4. We would be willing to trade any employee here for a Nintendo Switch

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Listen, we're all adults here, so we can drop any pretense of naivety: we want something, so it only stands to reason that we would have to give something up in return. And, as such, we are willing to send Nintendo a Dorkly employee, to hang out at Nintendo HQ in Japan and be best friends with Shigeru Miyamoto. Yes, we are willing to make this sacrifice (obviously Nintendo would cover the costs of airfare and a hotel and a per diem for meals). Seriously, Nintendo, you can choose any Dorkly employee and we will send them to you so they can chill in your Kyoto offices and pitch my idea for a Legend of Zelda game where you only play as Zelda and fight an evil version of Link.

 

5. We really, really want a Switch

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Dude, the Switch looks sweet as hell. There's already a guaranteed sweet-ass Mario game coming out, maybe a new Splatoon, definitely a better-looking version of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and who knows what else. Plus, the functionality of the on-the-go tablet looks totally dope. While I got a lot of use taking my Wii U Gamepad into the bathroom and would get sucked into playing Mario 3D World for so long my legs would fall asleep, I knew I couldn't just leave the house entirely if I wanted to keep playing my game. And now I totally can! If we get a free Switch, that is.

We want a Switch way more than most other brands - see, at this point, they just EXPECT to be sent free review-versions of consoles and games. They're not EXCITED by the concept, nor do they have to resort to begging via listicle. But us? We're not afraid of degrading ourselves and losing what little dignity we have in a bald-faced attempt to get a free console - that's how much we want it.



We love you, Nintendo. Now send us a free Switch.