Now that Nintendo is taking more (or at the very least BETTER) risks, it seems like now is the time to keep the good times rolling. Here's a handful of ideas that will send Nintendo's stock soaring even higher, increase the levels of happiness of people across the world, and most importantly FINALLY VALIDATE MY DECISION WHEN I WAS 14 TO GET A GAMECUBE EVEN THOUGH ALL MY FRIENDS HAD PLAYSTATION 2's.

1. Virtual Boy for Google Cardboard

virtual boy mobile phone mockup

While the Virtual Boy is often considered to be one of Nintendo's most costly and misguided blunders, there's no reason it needs to be erased from Gaming history altogether. In this new era of emerging VR, why not throw out a fun bundle of eyeball-eviscerating red games across the burgeoning VR platforms and show the whipper-snappers that even at its absolute lowest point, Nintendo still had some fun ideas? I'm not a programmer, but showcasing some forgotten gems like Virtual Boy Wario Land and the sleeper cult-classic Teleroboxer (games that they currently are getting ZERO use or value out of) would be a cheap little app that would keep people engaged with the brand... and maybe pay tribute to the creativity and ingenuity of Gunpei Yokoi, who famously had to take the fall for the system's failure before his death. Just don't release Red Alarm, that thing was completely unplayable garbage.

2. WarioWare and Rhythm Heaven Mobile


Nintendo is dipping their toes into the mobile market but those are surprisingly dangerous waters for developers used to the old paradigms of gaming. Most mobile games are played during commutes, in waiting rooms, or while taking a big stanky pooper and the titles that cater to quick "pick-up-and-play" sessions succeed far more wildly than their more deliberate counterparts. It's the reason why games like Angry Birds and Candy Crush made millions of dollars a day while the App Store is littered with the dessicated corpses of countless forgotten attempts to make "true AAA gaming experiences" that dared to charge more than a dollar. Luckily, Nintendo already has TWO franchises built on quick, zippy, and addictive play sessions and they're both from the same dev team. SPD Group 1's cult favorite franchises WarioWare and Rhythm Heaven are incredibly addictive and full of microgames that could easily be played one-handed. What's icing on the cake here is that these series have already adapted their gameplay for touchscreens (both had releases on the DS hardware) and wouldn't require too much work to port. I'm going on too long about how much fun these would be, but in summation I'd be willing to sit through even the cringiest Arnold Schwarzenegger video ad for even ONE extra attempt at nailing a perfect score on Lockstep.

3. Netflix-Style Virtual Console Subscription


This one isn't going to ring true after they just broke the internet with the NES Classic Edition but for the core gaming audience who has seen Spotify offer them an on-demand music library and Netflix change how we watch movies and television, it feels BARBARIC to still be charged $5 apiece for NES games weighing in at 32Kb. For 5 dollars a month, one should be able to sample and select from Nintendo's 30+ year history of gaming milestones. Or even better, offer a small cross-section of curated classics for free every month just as a way of saying "thanks for even bothering to check out the proper channels instead of emulating like we know you can easily do at any time whatsoever on every device you own." Now that's a way to boost interest in "Adventures of Lolo 2" if you really cared.

4. Pokemon GO Snap

snap go snap

One of the first things that happens when a Pokemon GO player starts getting "serious" about the game is that they turn off the novel "AR" functionality that captured our imaginations when the project was first announced. The core gameplay loop rewards stable 4G connections and carefully aimed flicks more than any visceral thrill of seeing our favorite creatures among real-world locations. With only a few refinements (and some cool instagram-style filters) you could bring that magic back. Players can zoom, compose, and interact with the same geo-tagged Pokemon from the main game and share their photos online. There could even be prizes awarded to the most striking or funny pictures captured in the wild. The only thing missing would be  a gyroscope enabled "campaign" mode where you can play through the original Pokemon Snap and it would sweeten the deal even more. This would be a companion app to the Pokemon Go experience, because as soon as the goal became destroying Gyms in the name of your favorite primary color instead of taking selfies where it looked like caterpie was your dongus, something of value was lost. 

Bonus: Legend of Zelda The Philips CD-i Collection HD

Ok, so this one isn't serious, but more people need to see this animation by C4DNerd.