1.

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I know when I'm about to make sweet sweet love under my silk bedsheets, I like to keep my Game Boy Advance SP like 4 inches away and open, just in case. Also, both sex and Game Boy Advance are things that are best in the dark. Definitely don't wanna SEE the person you're going to BoneTown with, or relying on natural light to see Pokemon FireRed.

Also: hey! Equal nip-nudity. Very progressive.

 

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"Hey fellas - you know what's great to touch? Boobs! Wouldn't it be great if faceless ladies had boobs on both front AND back? And, like, twelve vaginas? Actually, maybe she has boobs on her knees too! Basically, if women were inhuman monsters who existed as a terrible sex experiment gone horribly wrong...

Anyways, the PS Vita!"

 

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"Man, this Game Boy Pocket is so great, I hardly have time to pay attention to the uncomfortable-looking woman I've tied up to the bed! Time to play Tetris."

 

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I mean, if you're an objectively-attractive significant other, wearing lacy lingerie and looking for attention, but you're losing to a goddamn Neo-Geo, your relationship probably has a host of other issues. Also, if you're someone who plays Neo-Geo like that, you probably shouldn't be touching other human beings because WHAT THE HELL DUDE NO ONE PLAYS LIKE THAT.

 

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Actually, the weirdly-airbrushed naked lady was DEFINITELY the first thing everyone noticed, Sega. Now everyone's going to associate your games getting in the way of nudity - WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS THE MESSAGE YOU WANTED TO SEND?

Yes, I'm blaming 100% of Sega Saturn's failure on this one ad.



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I think I understand this one: Deathtrap Dungeon is a very difficult game, but a fun one. So fun that NOT playing it would also be difficult. Also, the casting director has a fetish for being sexually dominated, so threw that in just because he could.

 

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What's a bigger pair: breasts (big ones), testicles (ones so large, they're literally popping out of a dude's Speedo), or...Sonic 1 & 2? Something tells me people aren't bringing cartridges to the beach, Sega. And if they are, those things are definitely not as big as DD breasts (or those monster balls).

 

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The way they're positioning the words "TAKE ADVANTAGE" gives off a reeeeal creepy vibe to this picture of a tennis player exposing her going-commando ass. Then again, why WOULDN'T you want to associate your tennis game with inappropriate sexual behavior?

 

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Hey - ever wanted to know how big Rayman's dick was?

Pretty big, apparently!

 

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...A PAIR OF TESTICLES THAT IS. Not soccer balls though. Technically you only need one to play a game. There's really no scenario where you'd need a pair of soccer balls in order to play. I mean, it's nice to have a back-up in case something happens to the first ball, but it's definitely not a requirement.

Anyways, GET IT? IT'S LIKE TESTICLES. ;)



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Wow, Playstation ad - I DO like sexually-aggressive women! Anyways, I guess I'll buy your game now, because you reminded me I like sex.

 

12.

Videogame Ads That Got WEIRDLY Sexual

This Tom Hanks / John Belushi fusion seems a LOT more interested in some shitty videogame instead of the prostitute he hired. Gotta take a hard look at how you're spending your money, Jom Belushanks.

 

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Yeah, keep that Game Boy Pocket in your IMPOSSIBLY TIGHT pants, which cover up your Nintendo-brand underwear. Also, keep your dick in your pants, because odds are it is not possible to get it out if those jeans are half as tight as they look.

 

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This is what is known as a 'single entendre', because the non-winking sexual meaning makes NO GODDAMN SENSE.

 

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Hey lady - your kid is dumb as hell. He thinks machines can have sex, I guess? He really doesn't comprehend this? I would put him to work in the coal mines ASAP, the world of education has no place for a kid this dumb.



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This disinterested Tori Spelling lookalike doesn't care if her boyfriend masturbates by himself, plays Panzer Dragoon Zwei by himself, or..basically anything. She's definitely about to take a long drag from her cigarette and wonder what's she even DOING in life, because she's stuck in a dead-end relationship with someone who probably spends most of their time masturbating and playing Sega Saturn games.

Also...: someone please take away the ellipses from whoever made this ad....they've gone mad with ellipses...

 

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An ad agency was paid $50,000 for this (probably).

 

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Well, no one wants to buy a pool videogame, so...let's just try to distract people with the idea of sex, I guess?

 

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Fighting a war on the moon = half a butt. Good to know.

 

20.

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So, to recap:

  • Masturbating makes you go blind
  • Game Gear WON'T make you go blind
  • To play Game Gear, you have to be buck-ass nude and playing it directly next to your crotch