No matter how you feel about the movies, it's hard to deny that The Purge has an irrestistible premise. In a dystopian future that starts just a couple years from now, every American "celebrates" one day a year in which all crime is legal for 12 hours. It's such a simple but fantastic idea, but the movies sort of squander that potential. The first flick used the Purge as mere backdrop for a home invasion movie. The second one was a bit better about showing the mayhem in the streets (including a great character who's basically The Punisher), but still chose to focus on wanton violence.

The people that populate these movies could do literally anything they wanted, but they choose to do something as predictable as murdering each other. Everyone has a whole year to plot their Purge day, but evidently no one has any other plans other than "hunt down the poor for sport" or "try not to be hunted down by the rich for sport." But if someone rolled up their sleeves and put their mind to it, there's so much more you could accomplish on a day where nothing is illegal. Stuff like:


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Yeah, sounds like the most boring thing you could do when everyone else is busy looting and pillaging, but let's think about it here. According to the series, Purge Day takes place towards the end of March -- right in the thick of tax season. Stealing a 4k TV from Wal-Mart has nothing on screwing over the IRS. Get every form under the sun and start committing the temporarily-legal crime of fraud. Give yourself 70 children, lie about your billion-dollar charitable contributions, make yourself a quintuple amputee war veteran -- anything to make that return go up. And the best part is, as long as you pop it in the mail on Purge Day, no one can come and arrest you for it. Even if you were audited, all you'd have to say is "Oh I did this on Purge Day. You know, when all crime was legal, including tax fraud?" They couldn't do a thing.

That's kind of a huge loophole that they don't really get into during the movies. All crime is legal during those 12 hours, but that doesn't mean your misdeeds have to be confined to that half-day window.  


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Okay okay, I know we said that this could be about things you can do to that don't involve killing, but technically this still squares with that premise. See, while homicide is legal during Purge Day, it is obviously still frowned upon by law enforcement at every other time of the year. If you have an especially rascally target, they're probably going to lock themselves up in a fancy secured house. So what do you do if the person you want to kill isn't as stupid as Ethan Hawke?

Well, you can probably just set up a bunch of traps. Cut the brakes of their car. Plant landmines on their front lawn. Rig their door with a shotgun so that when they come outside for the first time after the Purge deadline, they get a face full of buckshot. As long as you did this very bad and very illegal activity during the Purge itself (which is not real, please do not maim and/or murder your neighbors), you're good to go. Going from the way the country carries itself, you're not responsible for your actions during the Purge -- the aftermath is the aftermath. It wasn't you who planted a nail bomb under your shitty uncle's favorite recliner. It was that dude who went crazy for 12 hours.

Taking this concept to the extreme, you could do just about  anything.


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Contrary to what many Texans believe, there is no secret loophole in the Constitution that allows for the legal secession of land on the United States. We kind of already had a big fight about this a couple hundred years ago, and it's probably better for the world if we don't get into that kind of fight again (especially since both sides would be armed with nuclear weapons).

But the beauty of the Purge is that everything you could possibly imagine is permitted. Seriously, the only exceptions ever noted in the series are a ban on murder of high-ranking government officials and using powerful explosive weaponry like C4 or missiles. Just like there's nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't play basketball, there's nothing at all in the Purge that suggests that you can't claim a hunk of land and crown yourself King of Bonertopia. When the Purge ends, the United States would have no choice but to recognize your legal secession from the union -- doing anything else would be an admission that the Purge isn't really all about "anything goes." Good luck getting Comcast to come out to Bonertopia, though.


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If you're noticing the theme here, it's that everyone always thinks too small. They only want to get their jollies off in the moment and wait for the next inevitable buildup to a frenzied release a year later. Yeah, you can kill that guy who constantly whistles at his desk at work, but that's so fleeting. What you really should want to do during the Purge is make your life better AFTER the Purge. But you don't need to do anything as complicated as to put a team together to rob a bank. All you need is to find one rich person. Just one.

After you capture your person of choice, simply tie them to a chair in front of a desk. Place a contract in front of them and point a gun at their head. They're going to sign absolutely anything and everything you put in front of them. Once they sign, you've got them over a barrel. The contract can't be voided because it was agreed upon under the duress of one party -- this is Purge Day, baby. Anything you could possibly want from them -- their money, their assets, their weird collection of very expensive porcelain pigs -- it's yours.

But that's probably more paperwork than it's worth. There's a much simpler way to go about getting rich during the Purge: Make them sign over their identity to you.

Say you caught Donald Trump. Provided that you are willing to take the name as a Cheeto-encrusted finger with hair, you could easily transfer his entire being, and everything he owns (including *gulp* the presidency) to yourself, the new Donald Trump. Stripped of his name and all of his resources, the Donald would be helpless to get back at you during the next Purge because you'd hopefully be smart enough to leave the country every March. Better yet, you could easily dump that dickbag out on the street. It's unlikely that he'd survive the night, since he probably doesn't know that he could lay still on the ground and be mistaken for the corpse of a manatee that was just soaked in Sunkist. 


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Finally! Before the Purge it was absolutely impossible to procure a copy of smash hit Now You See Me 2 on video before its official home release. But when crime is legal, absolutely anything and everything is up for grabs, including illicit copies of Jesse Eisenberg movies. Happy Purging!