This is a bad movie. A real bad movie. I remember being a tiny child watching this in the theater, having an existential crisis because my still-forming brain could not understand how I was in a theater, with a bag of popcorn, watching something called "Super Mario Bros: The Movie" and yet I wasn't having fun. Fortunately, in the confusing miasma of unnecessary explanations, inauthentic grunge fashion, and mountains of slimy prosthetic fungus, one cool idea burned brightly.
No, not that. Sweet merciful lord let's never mention this ever again.
I'm talking about Mother.Fucking. Jump. Boots.
One of the hugest mistakes that this movie made was cramming every little piece of Mario iconography through a dystopian sci-fi lens that made the Mushroom Kingdom as appealing as yesterday's underwear. The only cool update were these ballistics-fired ski boots with some shock absorbers glued to sides. It's actually a fun idea. How does Mario jump to dizzying heights and land with turtle-eviscerating force? The answer is steel-toed empowerment footwear.
So we couldn't NOT mention Uwe Boll on a list featuring bad movies based on videogames. The #1 cinematic supervillain of the early 2000's, he left a trail of absolute garbage in his wake that included House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. My friends and I had a lovely tradition where we used to buy 40s of malt liquor and watch his movies and then destroy public property. Good times. However, all that pain and boredom might have been totally worth it because of this singular moment in 2007's In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale.
What you have to understand is that nobody in this movie gave a single crap, the only reason it exists is because of loopholes in the German tax code and everyone onscreen is visibly drunk. But one line of dialouge will haunt me forever.
I now share that curse with you.