Blizzard's long-awaited multiplayer online FPS, Overwatch, has finally been released - and it's quickly becoming one of the biggest things in gaming. However, the more I've played, the more I notice that certain characters in the game are - how do I say it? - total bullshit. They're unbalanced, overpowered, and truly unfair to play against. So here is our official ranking of every Overwatch character, from most to least bullshit.
As if it wasn't bad enough that he left a steel trap/remote mine combo right outside the start point (YES I DIED WITHIN THE FIRST 2 SECONDS OF THE MATCH), I hear him yell out "Fire in the hole!" about 7 times per match, which results EVERY TIME in his stupid explode-y tire finding me specifically (and sometimes THE ENTIRE REST OF MY TEAM) and blowing me up instantly. What a bullshit character.
Ohhhhh of course BASTION deserves the play of the game for going into his stupid stationary turret mode and mowing down 4 people turning a corner who didn't even have time to react before dying (note: I was one of those 4). Then I try to use the Junkrat RIP-Tire ultimate but it ALSO GETS MOWED DOWN INSTANTLY. Turns out Bastion has ANOTHER mode - BULLSHIT MODE.
Seems like whenever I'm on an Attack Escort mission, I was through a doorway and suddenly I can't move and I'M LOSING LIKE 100 HP PER SECOND AND I'M DEAD. Let's see my death replay so I can confirm YEP 6 LASERS THAT I COULDN'T SEE ALL SHOOTING ME INSTANTLY.
You know who ELSE should be teleported? SYMMETRA. STRAIGHT TO HELL. WHATEVER CIRCLE HAS THE MOST BULLSHIT IN IT.
FUCK I'M A 90 FOOT GERMAN ROBOT KNIGHT WITH AN ENERGY SHIELD HOW IS THIS TINY NANA FROM ICE CLIMBERS FREEZING ME?! Well, I'll show her with a swing of my SHIT SHE ENCASED HERSELF IN ICE WHAT IS THIS CAPTAIN AMERICA BULLSHIT
OHHHH REAL FAIR, USING A GIANT GERMAN ROBOT KNIGHT WITH AN ENERGY SHIELD TO BLOCK ALL MY ROADHOG SHOTS AND CHAIN WHIP. Well, I'll get up close and personal by FUUUCK THIS BULLSHIT SAURON MOTHERFUCKER FLY-TACKLED ME INTO A WALL TO DEATH???
I DON'T ENTIRELY GET WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH HER SHIELDS BUT SHE KEEPS KILLING ME AND I DON'T THINK I'M EVEN SCRATCHING HER SO I'M CALLING BULLSHIT
Oh god don't break it down don't break it down don't break it dow-OH NO HE'S BREAKING IT DOWN!
He's just HEALING their ENTIRE TEAM! SOMEONE STOP HIM!
FYI I can't because he knocked me off a ledge in Lijiang Tower for like the 8th time this round.
Oh man, finally got a solid quadruple kill using Reaper and - NO. NOOOOO.
SHE BROUGHT THEM ALL BACK TO LIFE AND THEY ALL KILLED ME?! ALSO SHE HAD A SUPER SWEET DEVIL SKIN. Why do all MY loot crates just give me random sound clips and sprays for Torbjorn?
Oh look, two red energy dragons swirling towards me. And I'm dead. So is everyone in front of me and behind me.
WHY IS THE HAWKEYE EQUIVALENT OF THIS GAME SO AWESOME AND DEADLY?! HAVEN'T WE ESTABLISHED THAT BOW AND ARROW IS A LAME WEAPON?!
HOW MUCH HEALTH DOES THIS MAD MAX REJECT HAVE? ALSO DIDN'T WE LEAVE THIS "YANK SOMEONE FROM ACROSS THE LEVEL" BULLSHIT BACK IN MORTAL KOMBAT?
Just havin' some fun playing as Pharah, flyin' around and OOPS one-shot dead.
Well maybe instead I'll try out Tracer and OOPS one-shot dead.
I know, I'll be Mc-ONE SHOT DEAD FUCK YOU YOU HOT MASS EFFECT-LOOKIN' SNIPER.
Oh Christ no that Danny DeVito viking asshole built his turret ON TOP OF THE ESCORT WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!
Great, now I have Pavlovian conditioning to run and hide whenever I see it's noon. WHY IS NOON THE ONLY TIME WHEN YOU'RE ABLE TO SLOW DOWN REALITY AND MURDER ME AND MY WHOLE TEAM?!
Psssh, look at this lamewad basic Call of Duty tutorial asshole! No one'll be able to do any serious damage with WAIT HIS ULTIMATE IS BASICALLY AN AIMBOT?!?! KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN YOUR SIGHT? SOME BULLSHIT.
Ugh of course I'm getting murdered by this goth "2dark4u" teenager's conception of "badass." I'm okay with being owned completely by this dumb Hot Topic character, but at least DON'T TURN INTO AN UNKILLABLE FLOAT-Y GHOST THE ONE TIME I HAVE A CLEAR SHOT AT YOU.
Ahhhh, time to take it easy - playing as Bastion, got my turret-mode all set, now to just shoot and OH GOD HE'S DEFLECTING EVERYTHING BACK AT ME. Shit, that was supposed to be a guaranteed play of the game. Oh well, I'll just play as Mercy for a while and WELL HE JUST KILLED ME AND MY WHOLE TEAM WITH HIS DRAGON-SWORD AND LOOKED TOTALLY BOSS DOING IT.
How do you say "Bullshit" in Japanese? Because that's what this is.
Justice is raining from above? HRMMM BECAUSE THE FORECAST LOOKS MORE LIKE A 100% CHANCE OF TOTAL BULLSHIT RAINING TO ME.
I CANNOT KEEP HER IN MY LINE OF SIGHT FOR MORE THAN LIKE 2 SECONDS AT A TIME AND HER TINY DUMB PISTOLS KEEP KILLING ME HOW IS ANYONE EVEN ABLE TO PLAY LIKE THIS?! I thought she was supposed to just be sorta a joke character cuz of the butt controversy. Now I know the truth - she's a BULLSHIT character.
How am I not able to get out of range from her exploding mech suit in time and then she just CREATES a brand new mech suit OUT OF THIN AIR??? THIS IS THE BULLSHITTIEST OF BULLSHITS. Tied with all the previous ones, that is.
Everything's going fine, we're moving the payload along, and SUDDENLY a SCIENCE-APE leaps over Reinhardt and starts zapping me with LIGHTNING GUNS and drops his damn bio-dome shield and everyone starts panicking and then he turns into an INSANE RED GORILLA AND IT'S JUST THE END OF THAT LAST PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE EXCEPT MORE BULLSHIT.
Zenyatta? More like BULLSH...actually, Zenyatta's fine. Never did anything super bullshitt-y. Got a dope look too. Much respect to all Zenyatta players out there.
The main thing to remember is: pretty much every character in this game is bullshit, so long as I'm getting destroyed by them.