2015 signaled the end of the world with a bona-fide Golden Girls porn parody -- so it shouldn't be surprising that smut peddlers would eventually corrupt Adventure. And yet, that doesn't make the inevitable any less disturbing. With their new trailer for (sigh) "Assventure Time," Wood Rocket have effectively taken your childhood and dumped it into a Las Veg-- oh, why bother? You're already scrolling down to the GIFS. Let's get to it. 

 

1. Finn's new catchphrase

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Of the many rapid-fire moments in the trailer, this one is easy to miss, but that doesn't make it any less mystifying. Finn is delighted at the appearance of his female co-stars (we'll get to them in a moment), and exclaims "Gynecological!" It's a clear play on Finn's un-catchphrase in the original cartoon:

It was always a nonsensical expression, but in the porn parody it's taken to anothe rlevel. "Gynecological" refers to the branch of medical science that focuses on the female reproductive organs. So what at first sounds like a dirty exclamation is more like Robin saying "Holy Healthy Vaginas, Batman!" To be fair, those words were almost certainly uttered in the Batman and Robin porn parody.

 

2. The terrible porn-pun names

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Puns are part of the deal when you make a porn parody. That's why Adventure Time becomes Assventure Time, and it's also why we have classics like Game of Bones,The DaVinci Load and Tits A Wonderful Life. 

Here Wood Rocket have gotten a smidge lazy. Granted, once you hear it there's pretty much no other porn parody name for Princess Bubblegum than "Princess Bubblecum," but "Whorecelin" instead of Marcelin is pretty weak. Hopefully they step up their game later on with the Humpy Space Princess.

 

3. Jake getting handsy

Jake also gets the short end of the stick when it comes to porn puns; the stretchy dog's name is "Jerk," as in, what people from 1980s sex comedies call masturbating. A smidge more noticable, however, is the few seconds it takes for Jake to stretch his arms over to grope the Princess' chest. It really makes you think about the other ways they might use his elasticity in the NSFW scenes -- and by "really makes you think," I mean "makes you want to scrub under your eyelids with a gasoline-covered Q-tip."

 

4. Ice King's terrible social media skills

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The baffling part in question is not that the Ice King is now the "Ice Peen" (you'd think he'd be shorter), or that he posted a picture of himself tweaking his own nipples on social media, or that "Sinn" and "Jerk" posted the lamest burns in internet history. No, what's messed up is that they're on "Icetagram," an Instagram knockoff that was apparently built from the ground up by the Ice Peen himself. Since no one else in the world probably uses this service, it seems as though Sinn and Jerk purposely signed up just to mock their archrival. What would Lemongrab say about that?

 

5. JUST A TALKING DILDO

That's it. I'm done. If you really want to see the rest, you can check out the full trailer below.