SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

 

While we're still warmed by the residual afterglow of The Force Awakens, a movie that has been universally praised as "good enough" and "a solid financial decision for the Walt Disney Corporation", we couldn't help but have a few lingering questions when it was all over. Not to say that the film wasn't incredibly fun, it was a REALLY GOOD MOVIE. These are the concerns that rattled in our brains, only to be shushed by our hearts because we were trying to watch the young scrappy heroes have a laser sword fight with that shitty emo teen who looks like he hangs out at Hot Topic. 

These are the dumb things that DIDN'T ruin The Force Awakens:

 

1) WTF is happening where in this dang Galaxy?

star wars Galaxy Map

So much has been changed/updated/retconned that it was impossible to understand the new status quo in this universe. Why is "The Resistance" different from "The Republic"?  How exactly did The First Order emerge from the Empire? Going from what we know from Return of the Jedi, didn't the galaxy just kind of switch hands after the Emperor was killed, since he had only ruled through fear and intimidation? Wasn't the entire universe all hugs and yub-nubs after the big spooky lightning man fell down the hole? Yet that's apparently not the case. There's way too much left up to the novels and comics that should've been explained in the movie. For example, there was a collective gasp in the audience when it was heavily implied that The First Order straight-up GIBBED Coruscant, a familiar setting from the EU and prequels, but it turns out it was some other planet called "Chandrilla"

 

2) Who would suggest "another Death Star" as a serious strategy?

starkiller base

  1. Grand Moff Evilman

    We must forge a new strategy to renew The Empire from the brink of annihilation

  2. Chief Engineer Dongus

    I suggest a new, bigger, Death Star

  3. Grand Moff Evilman

    ... ANOTHER Death Star? The thing that costs quintillions of dollars and always fails catastrophically?

  4. Chief Engineer Dongus

    Yes, but this one would be BIGGER.

  5. Grand Moff Evilman

    You realize, in terms of military strategy, this is the space equivalent of a land invasion of Russia during Winter? It has literally never worked. If anything, the Empire is at its peak when there ISN'T a Death Star.

  6. Supreme Leader Snoke

    FUCK YOU WE'RE BUILDING THIS SHIT

  7. Grand Moff Evilman

    Who the hell is this guy?

 

3) Why would Captain Phasma be able to shut down the shields on ANY RANDOM COMPUTER PANEL?

lol phasma star wars force awakens

Here's what we know about Captain Phasma:

  1. She has fancier armor and guns than standard stormtoopers
  2. Her rank gives her authority over other infantry units within The First Order, but she answers to Kylo Ren and the Generals
  3. Capes are cool.

There is absolutely no reason why she should be able to shut down the shield generators, it'd be the equivalent of a drill sergeant having the launch codes for ICBMs. I'm not even going to go into how they manage to hold her hostage with a blaster and she complies, thus negating whatever point there was in being covered head-to-toe in extra special armor. No the main sticking point is the fact that you can cripple the entire defense system of a planet at any random computer terminal provided you have even moderate admin privileges.