5. Pyramid Head gets his jollies off in Silent Hill 2

pyramid head

If shooting anime girls with orgasm guns confuses your boner, this one is going to saw it off with a rusty butter knife. Many gamers will remember Pyramid Head, the villain who stalks you throughout the classic Silent Hill 2. The bloodstained avatar of doom is one of the most memorable gaming villains in part because of the way he symbolizes the protagonist's wish for self-punishment, but mostly because he's just fucking terrifying. Nothing better encapsulates Pyramid Head's horrible mystique than this scene:

It looks as though our hero James has just walked in on a very private moment between Pyramid Head and uh, a couple of undead mannequins made mostly of butts and legs. There's not really any penetration going on, just some very vigorous air-humping. It kind of resembles that silly sex scene from Team America, only in this case the puppets in question are covered in graveyard dirt and crusty old blood.

pyramid head

The scene itself is pretty brief, so contrary to those looping GIFs, Pyramid Head does not manually twerk a mannequin while he grinds his pelvis in the general area for all eternity. But that would still probably be better than recent Silent Hill games. 


4. A ripoff of The Sims adds clunky robot handjobs


Though The Sims proper is depraved enough to allow you to have sex with ghosts and bear their etherreal children, the act itself isn't very explicit. All of the sex between Sims is the same: You both roll into a cartoon lump, like the Tasmanian Devil spinning violently under a bedsheet. The whole WooHoo process just takes a few seconds and then it's done. Even though sex is kind of the depressing endgame of The Sims, there's not a lot going on there. 

Singles: Flirt Up Your Life sought to remedy that as kind of a racier alternative to the Sims. Basically it was a much worse version of the genuine article, with the exception of a more detailed depiction of sex. It's slightly more realistic than rolling around under the covers, as long as your conception of intercourse involves slowly getting into a bed with two blankets, a bra magically disintegrating followed by several minutes of awkward petting.

It's meant to be sexy, which is undeniably the selling point of the game, but it just comes off as an alien 5th grader's interpretation of human copulation. You can clearly see the seams in the game, when the programming shifts from Get Into Bed > Discard Second Blanket > Assuming Hugging Position > Delete Brassiere > Initiate Smooching Protocols > Feel Immense and Immediate Regret About Proceedings. 

Apparently Singles did well enough to warrant a sequel, though. It wasn't much better.

If you tell one of your lifedolls to do something in The Sims, they'll usually saunter over and do that thing idly for a while. Ordering a Sim to take a dump means that they're going to be sitting on the pot and twiddling their toes for a bit; when you command a Sim to go swim in the pool, they'll go through the same few animation loops before coming to the horrible realization that you've purposely deleted the ladder leading out of the water. The same goes for the sad mannequins in Singles, only in that game they can be stuck repeating the same mechanic handjob routine as seen above.

All told, it's kind of a ripoff. Anyone who bought this game for the kinky stuff is gonna be miffed that all the action is hidden under a sheet. Sure, you can sort of finagle the camera a while to get a good angle, but there's nothing under the blanket but a black void. If you look hard enough, you might even be able to see your humility fading like Marty's photograph in Back to the Future.

singles flirt up your life

The actual sex is somehow even worse. Depending on which fuck button you press, you're treated to a number of scenes that resemble two day-old androids trying to figure out the meaning of the word "love." 

In case you had ever wondered at any point in your life, this is what naked dry-humping looks like.