Hey guys, this is gonna get NSFW. You've probably figured that out by now.


7. The Witcher 3's unicorn romp

witcher 3

The Witcher games have something of a sordid history when it comes to sex. The first title in the series is one of the most prominent early examples of on-screen sex in the polygonal age, rewarding you with creepy trading cards for each of your carnal conquests. All in all, it was pretty groady stuff. Since then, the franchise has improved considerably. It's still not great -- one female character has a plunging neckline so ridiculous you can spot a bare nipple every time she turns to the side -- but the sex scenes themselves are relatively tame.  

Even so, "tame" in the Witcher games means a sorceress magically zapping off her lingerie while you get ready to mount her on a giant stuffed unicorn.  

witcher 3 sex scene

The Witcher 3 goes to great lengths to give a backstory to this unicorn via the in-game lore. The taxidermythical creature was apparently used in unseen sexual encounters between bounty hunter Geralt and the witchy name-rebel Yennefer. The conversations you have with Yen kind of build up the unicorn, to the point where you'd be kind of pissed if you didn't see these two get back on the horse, as it were. It's a pretty sneaky way of getting to show something as ludicrous as two grown adults riding bareback on a magical foal. 

As far as the actual sex goes, they don't even reach softcore Skinemax status, thanks to the patented privacy pan-away. It's probably for the best, since getting into graphic detail would mean months of a poor animator's life spent forcefully bumping these digital uglies.

witcher 3 sex

What's sort of disturbing is that in the Witcher universe, unicorns are a sentient race with their own culture -- these animals can think for themselves and communicate with other beings. The idea that two people want to bang on the corpse of something that once had feelings is kind of messed up. It'd be like skinning a wood-elf and doing the dirty on its carcass, or building a sex swing out of orc bones. Note that this is in no way me suggesting that someone make a game where those fantasy pleasure devices exist, and I absolutely do not want to be sent a link to where I can find them. 


6. Shooting girls to give them orgasms in Gal Gun

gal gun

This almost feels like cheating. Pervy Anime Games are Japan's third biggest export, right behind electronics and giant purple tentacles. We could fill an entire article with creepy dating sims (and we probably should), but Gal Gun is a special case, and you'll soon see why.

Usually you're not coming to an anime game for the story, but you're going to want to hear this setup. The story revolves around a schoolboy named Tenzou, who gets pierced with a hail of Cupid arrows accidentally shot by an angel intern. This naturally results in scores of universally beautiful teens running after this teen boy in an uncontrollable fit of lust. To combat this, the angel supplies Tenzou with a "pheremone gun" that overloads the senses of the target, thus incapcitating them.

Long story short: Gal Gun is basically House of the Dead, only instead of shooting zombies to make their heads blow up, you're shooting young girls to give them crippling orgasms. 

gal gun

It's hard to notice anything other than the quivering post-climax schoolgirls wilting to the ground, but at the end of that GIF you can see the player gets an "Ecstasy Shot." See, in most games of this nature, the "head shot" is the quickest way to take down your enemy. But since this game is less about terrorists and more about pleasuring young women into a coma before they can sexually assault you, what you really wanna do is shoot them in the vagina.  

gal gun

On one hand, hey, at least there's not an indescribable amount of violence on the screen. On the other hand, this shit is too skeevy even for Japan. The deviants behind Gal Gun actually implemented a "Panic Button," because not even the neckbeardiest of nerds want to be caught playing this game. If a loved one (let's face it, probably your mom) were to walk in on you during a heated Gal Gun sesh, simply pressing the Panic Button changes your screen to this:

gal gun panic screen

The fake screen, complete with old-school animation and sound effects, does appear to be a harmless RPG that reads to the general public like: "every other video game I have ever seen so I can immediately ignore it." And when they interloper does leave, you can get back to zooming in on young girls and shooting their T and V to make them look like they're dying while coming.

gal gun

If you think this game would only sell to weirdos and YouTubers who want morbid curiosity views, well, you're right. But that's a surprisingly large market, so the devs have capitalized on this, releasing a sequel Gal Gun: Double Peace. The follow-up looks much like its predecessor, with the added "benefit" of lots of sleazy add-ons. The most proposterous piece of DLC would have to be "Pheromon Z," which gives you the ability to see through clothes.

gal gun pheremon

The price to sate your thirst for virtual teen underwear? 10,000 yen, or about 90 US Dollars. That's more than it costs to buy the game. To be fair, that's considerably cheaper than the cost of all the soap you'll have to buy to wash that shame away.