1. The Unnecessary Goalie
Rocket League is basically soccer, right? And just like soccer, each team needs a goalie, even though most games are 3v3 and that leaves only 2 players to actually move the ball into scoring position at any time and OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS SOCCER AT ALL. Yep, it's definitely much more helpful to constantly stay in the goal area (and thus avoid 90% of the game) and then STILL manage to fail to block any shot coming at you, since you've decided to aim your car forward and thus can't even come close to covering most of the net.
2. The Ball Chaser (aka "99% of All Rocket League Players")
In the fast-paced world of Rocket League, one thing's certain: you need to be following the ball, desperately trying to catch up to it, at all times. It wouldn't make sense to try to anticipate where the ball is GOING to end up and be there so you can move it into scoring position. Nah, just chase the ball hopelessly up walls and into tight corners with 4 other players, helplessly flipping and trying to knock the ball in whatever direction you're currently going in. After all, "being in a good position to score a goal" isn't how you get results.
3. The Practitioner
The tutorials for Rocket League are fine, but the controlled environment of a tutorial isn't as meaningful as a real game with real people. That's why the best place to practice your skills is in ACTUAL GAMES! While the rest of the players are "trying to win," you'll be more concerned with going off on your own and trying to master flying, dodges, and barrel rolls. Sure, you'll lose the game - but you'll be well-prepared for the REST OF YOUR CAREER (not including anyone who blocked you for being such a stupid dickhole).
4. The Fuck-Up
You're not as inept at this game as some players - the problem is, you crack the second you're expected to perform. The ball is knocked right in front of the goal? You end up haphazardly flipping towards it and slap it limply in any direction except towards the goal. Time to defend? The ball actually misses the goal and you somehow flip backwards and KNOCK IT BACK IN AND HAVE EVERYONE SEE YOU FUCK UP IN HTE REPLAY. Time to slink back to the tutorial to hide from your teammates' ironic spamming of "NICE SHOT".
5. The Asshole
Sure, playing Rocket League as intended can be sorta fun, but you know what? Soccer is BORING. What's NOT boring is treating this game like Twisted Metal and spending the entire game smashing yourself into your opponents at max boost, and watch those sweet DEMOLITION announcements pop up. Oh, look at this guy, knocking the ball down the field, trying to score goals. How cute. BOOM! S'PLODED!
6. The Pro
Whoa. Who the fuck IS this guy? He's making shots that defy physics - and not just the regular physics, but ROCKET LEAGUE PHYSICS. Somehow he's going from one side of the field to the other and not fucking up the ball's path on the way. He manages to actually defend the goal against mid-air shots. He's the rarest and most impressive kind of player - a useful one.
7. The Lone Wolf
Soccer is a team game, and rocket car soccer should be no different. And yet, these dickholes. Often found in the middle of the world's shittiest Venn-Diagram combined with The Pro, the Lone Wolf is usually decent at the game - but doesn't trust you at all. Even if they center the ball just right and you're in a perfect position to dunk the ball, they'll still swerve around in an attempt to get the goal themselves. They knock you to the side so often that you start giving them some space, and when they inevitably fuck up they yell at you for not being around for an assist.
8. The Computer
Whoa - this guy isn't rushing the ball, or jumping for no reason, and seems to be taking actual shots? Who is this incredible, sensible, and completely capable player?
Oh, it's a bot.
That makes a lot more sense.