We all WANT to be Batman. Who doesn't yearn for the gadgets, the martial arts skills, and the infinite amounts of inheritance money? But but there's a dark side to being the Dark Knight, and that side is constantly chafing. We're counting down the best and worst costumes to wear if you're trying to be the Caped Crusader.
#10: The Waking Knightmare That is the Tim Burton Suits
Rubber, rubber everywhere. Sweat pooling all the way into your boots. The black vulcanized suit absorbing every watt of the stage lights as you can actively feel the oncoming organ failure kick in. This is not how anyone should fight crime. Neck permanently straight, you can't even bend down to reach a bottle of water. This is the cruelest irony, that you are so constricted and helpless while dressed as a champion of justice.
#9: Is This a Joke or Not? The Knightfall Azrael Batman
There is an active debate that still rages about whether this pointy, pouchy, clusterfuck was a cynical parody of the XTREME-era of superheroes, or a sincere attempt to cash in on it. What is even happening here? Why is there a haphazard combination of solid gold armor and vast swaths of spandex? Then there's the incredible chafing hazard that comes from INNER THIGH POUCHES. How do those calf-spike things even work? Sure, it could shoot hundreds of tiny batarangs like a gatling gun, but at what cost?
#8. Boob Cup Armor in the Arkham Knight Suit
To deal with mercenaries and drones Batman is going to need some extra protction, but with all those interlocking plates and clasps and latches, you KNOW something's going to get snagged up. When you're fighting excactly 6-8 impossibly beefy thugs with the perfect rhythm of a conga drummer, you can't worry about pinching in your most sensitive areas (I don't even know what's going on underneath the pecs). At least the gauntlets don't seem to be made out of giant cast iron slabs of like the previous games.
#7. "It's where I sweat that defines me" in Batman Begins
Did you learn nothing!? Why would you put another actor through this latex hell? Look at that stiff necked man and sympathize. At least they replaced the cape with actual fabric instead of a curtain of naugahyde. Oh, and you know that matte black finish reflects even less light and thus heats up even faster. Maybe Christian Bale wasn't doing a silly voice when he played Batman, he was literally struggling for breath.
#6: Bob Kane's Clickity-Clackity Original Sketch
Look at those wings, just look at those plywood abominations. He's not even gliding or flying with them, he's SWINGING, which would make the wings just a giant pain in the ass as they constantly caught the wind at weird angles. That high-waisted girdle belt isn't helping either, and the red wool suit has got to be the itchiest thing ever to wear against your bare skin. Someone call Bill Finger, this is an embarrassment.
#5. Batman Incorporated's Cool Modern Codpiece
Batman has had a rough transition period these past few years (along with the rest of the DC Universe now that I think about it) and among the Caped Crusader's many reboots, revivals, and ressurections was this grey power-unitard with a thick metal bat emblem and a bizarre crotch support that seems to latch into the utility belt. Other than that, a perfectly respecable Batsuit.
#4: The "Batman and Robin" Final Suits
See those weird lines on George Clooney's head? Those are vents. VENTS. Granted they're not real, and he still can't turn his head, but they at least acknowledged that the suit needs to breath even a little bit. Still a visual horror show, it looks like Batman is about to go to a Halloween party dressed as "The Sexy Chrysler Building".
#3: The Velvety Comfort of Adam West's Costume
See, this is doable. Just some tights, a mask, and a pair of satin gloves. Not quite sure why they decided to put the emblem at exactly nipple-height though. We're not rating on combat effectiveness or cool looks, just how much a human being would actually be able to withstand wearing the cowl and it's hard to argue with something that so many pudgey cosplayers have already pulled off for almost 50 years.
#2: Frank Miller's Elderly-Friendly Bat Armor From "Dark Knight Returns"
If you're going to wail on the most powerful entity on earth, you're going to need hardened alloys, a lot of electricity and most importantly padding, LOTS and LOTS of padding. As an old man, Bruce Wayne has weak joints and a bad heart so you know that big puffy suit is stuffed shock absorbing materials. I bet it feels like you're wearing the world's mightiest down comforter. While you may suffer a decrease in mobility, that suit looks really easy on the knuckles.
#1: Terry McGinnis' High-Tech Suit From Batman Beyond
Rocket boots, hidden batarangs, and a wealth of electronics all contained in a single lycra bodysuit. Invented by Bruce Wayne years before the events of 'Batman Beyond', this piece of nigh-impossible tech is a wonder of nanotechnology and micro-robotics. Most importantly is how the suit is shown to fit multiple wearers perfectly, providing total coverage and freedom of movement no matter the body type. I'd have to wager that it feels like wearing nothing at all. Nothing at all. NOTHING AT ALL...
stupid sexy batman.