1.

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I know when I'm about to make sweet sweet love under my silk bedsheets, I like to keep my Game Boy Advance SP like 4 inches away and open, just in case. Also, both sex and Game Boy Advance are things that are best in the dark. Definitely don't wanna SEE the person you're going to BoneTown with, or relying on natural light to see Pokemon: FireRed.

Also: hey! Equal nip-nudity. Very progressive.

 

2.

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"Hey fellas - you know what's great to touch? Boobs! Wouldn't it be great if faceless ladies had boobs on both front AND back? And, like, twelve vaginas? Actually, maybe she has boobs on her knees too! Basically, if women were inhuman monsters who existed as a terrible sex experiment gone horribly wrong.

Anyways, the PS Vita!"

 

3.

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"Man, this Game Boy Pocket is so great, I hardly have time to pay attention to the uncomfortable-looking woman I've tied up to the bed! Time to play Tetris."

 

4.

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I mean, if you're an objectively-attractive significant other, wearing lacy lingerie and looking for attention, but you're losing to a goddamn Neo-Geo, your relationship probably has a host of other issues. Also, if you're someone who plays Neo-Geo like that, you probably shouldn't be touching other human beings because WHAT THE HELL DUDE NO ONE PLAYS LIKE THAT.

 

5.

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Actually, the weirdly-airbrushed naked lady was DEFINITELY the first thing everyone noticed, Sega. Now everyone's going to associate your games getting in the way of nudity - WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS THE MESSAGE YOU WANTED TO SEND?

Yes, I'm blaming 100% of Sega Saturn's failure on this one ad.