Spring is officially here, and a lot of us are trying to shed those winter pounds (or in my case, winters 2003-2015 pounds). That means going on a healthy diet. Personally I'm excited about my new eating program that focuses on eliminating refined carbohydrates and consuming more healthy meats and vegetables! It's only about a week into the diet, but I've realized something strange. It seems like most of my favorite games were definitely NOT intended to be played by the calorically conscious. Check out this list and see if you agree!

 

1. Skyrim 

undefined

If there was ever a game that functioned as an analogy for binge eating, it would be Skyrim. Like millions of Americans today, the Dovahkin also reaches for a massive amount of food in order to get through stressful times. In Skyrim, I can face down a Flaming Daedra then calm my nerves with a few Apple Pies, a Sweet Roll, and a dozen loaves of Potato Bread, but on this diet I can't eat a grilled cheese, even if I'm feeling sad at the time? UGH. What the hell.

 

2. Dragon's Crown

undefined

The only thing more pornographic than the character designs in this game is the food. The cooking minigame allowed you to fry, boil, or grill up the monsters you had just slain to give your team buffs for the next fight. Between the sizzle of the skillet, the lavishly drawn ingredients, and the mouthwatering recipes, this game makes me want to break into a Golden Corral and consume everything until a SWAT team has to hold me down and repeatedly taze me in the genitals. You guys I just... I just really miss bread.

 

3. Bioshock Infinite

undefined

One of the biggest behavioral changes when eating healthier is cutting out all the thoughtless little nibbles that used to fill up your day. So when playing as Booker DeWitt I never considered just how many candy bars and floor sandwiches you can go through without even thinking about it. Do you know how awesome it would be to just eat one bag of potato chips right now, even if it was from a garbage can alongside 2 dollars and bottle of vermouth? Oh man, that would be so great. I guess if I wanted to stay low-carb in Columbia I could just cook one of the dozens of crows that shot out of my arms, that's some quality lean protein.

 

4. Smash Bros. Wii U

undefined

Oh lord, just look at it in all its HD glory. Fun fact about the food in Smash Bros, the amount of healing changes depending on the type of treat you picked up. For example, a fresh healthy orange only heals 4% damage, while an entire pizza heals 8%. That's a weird message, right? What really hits close to home is this quote from the food trophy description from Smash Bros Brawl:

There may be times when you laugh and walk away from food, and times when you watch someone else eating and cry.

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

5. Burger Time

undefined

You see that horrifying hot dog man with the crazy eyes and the inexplicable shoes? I would eat him right now. That humongous dill pickle slice that looks like he just found out he was adopted? I would gnaw directly into his pickle flesh as I looked him in his pickle eyes and he screamed his last pickle scream. You don't understand, BurgerTime. I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with ME. I would not attack the egg guy though. Oh my god that dude looks real weird.

 

6. Mega Man 2?

undefined 

Throw in the entire Mega Man series while you're at it. As well as the Castlevania series, and Call of Duty Modern Warfares 2-3. All videogames really, oh and books too. On this diet all media in general has become a nightmare of kale and disappointment and I'm just SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME NOW. Is this misery what skinny people feel their entire lives? What kind of Faustian bargain did they endure just to get abs? This sucks, this sucks, this sucks. 

 

7. Portal 

undefined

The cake is a lie. All cakes are lies until you finally lose enough weight to feel attractive. Then, once you've struggled for months and you finally feel like you deserve a treat, that one indulgence snowballs and all of a sudden you're back to where you started and you know what? Screw this. I'm done.

 

I'm going to KFC and inventing my own menu item that will make the Double Down look like a bowl of steamed broccoli.