5. Link gets the Triforce of Power, turns into a pig-man

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Adapting a video game into another medium almost always ends poorly, but worse is the double adaptation; that is, when a video game adaptation itself gets adapted into yet another form. Cloning a clone is never a good idea -- that's how we ended up with Street Fighter: The Movie: The Video Game and Multiplicity II: The Keatoning.

The Legend of Zelda comic was one such oddity. Though it wasn't a tragic heap of shit like the Zelda cartoon on which it was based, it sure was weird. Example: Since it was based on the original Zelda game, the comic book took place in a world where there were only two pieces of the Triforce. Clearly this is a land of anarchy over which logic has no power. 

But at least the comic showed what would happen if Link finally grabbed the Triforce.

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With the Triforce of Wisdom safely tucked away in Zelda's castle, Link nabs the Triforce of Power, which is apparently as hot as chili the moment you take it out of the microwave. Everything appears to be well until Link is corrupted by the uh, power of the Triforce of Power and transforms into a shadowy alter-ego. The dark mirror of our hero, who we'll call Dick Link, takes advantage of his newfound status and imprisons Ganon. Though this sort of sounds like a good thing, Zelda and her sideways fanny pack are not pleased.

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Huh, so the Triforce of Power seems to transmogrify the wielder into a giant stinky pigman. That would explain why Ganondorf is just a man before he pigs-out into Ganon. It's sort of a terrible trade-off when you consider the other Triforces allow you to remain beautiful elf people.

Unable to live with being an all-powerful uggo, Link tosses the Triforce of Power down a pit, allowing Ganon to escape.

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If there's anything to be learned from this, it's that absolute power corrupts absolutely. That, and if you touch a Triforce it'll burn your hand and turn you into angsty livestock. 

 

4. Kirby: World's Worst Detective

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Part of what makes Kirby so great is he can do anything. He can headline sidescrollers, pull off unique artstyles and star in underrated mini-golf games of the Super Nintendo. Kirby's a reniassance man. Which is why, at first, it makes total sense that Kirby could be a noir-style detective. But then you throw in chain-smoking, hard-drinking and a partner in his mortal enemy, King Dedede.

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I don't want to alarm anyone here, but Kirby looks to be reading some kind of porn of himself dressed up like Lola Bunny. Even more bizarre: This Porn Kirby is wearing fishnet leggings(?) when it's obvious that his species considers pants to be an optional contrivance. I'm not saying we shouldn't leave anything to the imagination, but I think we can all agree that the naked underside of Porn Kirby just looks like a well-worn pencil eraser.

If you're wondering how any of this is possible in a Nintendo comic, well, it's from Europe. Specifically, the German version of Nintendo Power. Here's an untranslated snippet, featuring a full view of a buxom femme fatale who asks Kirby and Dedede for help.

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Despite looking at porn featuring himself, it would appear as though Kirby has no problem lusting after homosapien babes, provided their proportions are nowhere near that of actual human females. It's really strange to think of a pink blob having any kind of libido at all, though I guess this is a guy who puts people inside of him on a regular basis. 

In any case, the story takes a sharp left turn when Kirby's client turns up dead.

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Yeah, that's a cadaver in a Nintendo comic. The same company that brought you Super Mario Kart and Wii Sports are now proud to present This Woman's Murdered Corpse Slumped on the Floor. Most games in the Kirby series chronicle harmless adventures in Dream Land, but some writer and artist decided that the best way to interpret that world was to make Kirby yell at King Dedede so he doesn't contaminate a dead body.

Who's the culprit, you ask? Why, it's a random dude using a giant Nintendo 64, aided by a dastardly 3up moon from Super Mario World. 

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This is only about one-third of the way through of this gala of insanity, but you can read the rest for yourself over here. It's in English, but I can't promise that you'll truly understand what's going on at any moment.