7. Draco Malfoy is a werewolf

undefined

Draco Malfoy was a real dickweed, yeah, but he sort of got dealt a bad hand. Imagine if you were born to the wizard version of a Klan Grand Dragon -- you'd probably end up an arrogant d-bag, too.

At the start of the books, Draco seems pretty into the Fantasy Nazi deal and the unpleasant magical slurs that come with it. But eventually, it starts gnawing away at him. At his heart, Draco didn't have the stomach for Death Eating. Towards the end of the series, it becomes clear that Draco is having a physical reaction to the stresses and inner-conflict of being apart of Voldemort's crowd.

Well that, and he's also dealing with being a werewolf.

undefined

Though bearing a dark mark would take its toll on anyone, hiding a werewolf curse might be even more difficult. But how would Draco become afflicted?

Well, one of Voldemort's very good chaps happens to be Fenrir Greyback, and with a name like that you could never be anything other than a werewolf.

undefined

Not only is this the werewolf that bit Remus Lupin, but he's also known to infect the young so they grow up resenting humanity. Voldemort seized upon the latter quality, enlisting Greyback to bite the children of Death Eaters who have failed him. Now, who do we know who has failed the Dark Lord?

undefined

So this whole time, Draco was struggling with having Magic Hitler breathing down his neck, but on top of that, he was made into a werewolf as punishment for his father's failings.

It makes sense if you think about it; Draco and Snape already have a weird relationship -- it would make it even more complex if the student was relying on his professor for Wolfsbane potions to keep the monster at bay. It really gives you a new perspective on Draco, who was unsympathetic for most of the series.

So, the next time you hear Draco Malfoy call someone a "filthy mudblood," well, you can probably still hate him because that's a totally uncool thing to say.

 

6. Albus Dumbledore is an elderly, time-traveling Ron Weasley

undefined

Though we do get some peeks into his past, Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore remains a mystery as large and luxurious as that beard of his. We know that he suffered many losses early in his life, and that he's secretly gay, but it's still tough to shake the feeling that we don't really know him at all. What does he like to do in his spare time, besides play the candy version of Russian Roulette with earwax-flavored jelly beans?

Well, there's a reason Dumbledore is so secretive and ilusive about his past: It's because he's really Ron Weasley from the future.

According to a popular theory, Ron is indeed just a young Dumbledore. Though they couldn't seem like more different characters, they do share some key characteristics. Let's look at the facts. 

  • They're both redheads
  • They both enjoy candy and chocolate
  • They've both injured their left legs at some point
  • They're both written as having "large hands"

The theory also points to the chess scene in the Sorceror's Stone, in which Ron plays a Knight. 

undefined

The chess game works as a metaphor for the whole series, with the larger war between Good and Evil playing out over several moves. In the scene, Ron is a Knight, which fits his role in the overall saga. So if Ron is a Knight, what does that make Dumbledore? A King.

That reminds me. What was that song that the kids used to sing to make fun of Ron?

undefined

via yurchan

 

So Ron is a Knight and a King, himself and Dumbledore. But how does a thing like that happen? It could be that Ron was trying to change the past but went back too far, or maybe he accidentally switched on the Time-Turner when he was looking for his DVR remote.

However it occurred, Dumbledore as a time-traveling Ron would explain how Dumbledore always seems to know what's going on. Without this knowledge, he's just a magical plot device that gets the characters out of jams by the virtue of being a wise old man. It makes way more sense if you conclude that Dumbledore has lived these events before. He has to abide by the flow of time, so he's powerless to stop the return of Voldemort and the deaths of so many of his friends.

undefined

But wait, isn't Dumbledore supposed to be gay? Ron married Hermoine and they presumably went on to have awkward Weasley sex to spawn all those children -- that sounds pretty straight.

Then again, Dumbledore is experienced in long-term beards.