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It's a big-budget production dumped in the February doldrums to little critical buzz... I agree, things do not look good for Jupiter Ascending. But if you are reading this now, it means you belong to a unspoken brotherhood, a shadowy force that has silently guided the fate of Hollywood for over a century... you are a nerd. Now it pains me to say this, but it's up to all of us to physically go to a movie theater and watch this probable-turd this weekend. This is the cost we alone must bear. Let me explain:

 

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A gonzo sci-fi plot that makes almost no sense? CHECK.

Bland main character who discovers their role as the most important person in the universe? YEAH. CHECK.

Lead actors who look bored in every single promo image? DOUBLE CHECK.

I want to watch the Space Matrix. I think you would like the Space Matrix. It's been over 15 years since The Matrix's release and that film deserves a sequel. It's what we've always wanted. A Matrix sequel directed by the Wachowskis with the latest cg effects at their disposal. There's no way that can go badly!

 

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Speed Racer is a colorful anime eyegasm that has no right to exist. Cloud Atlas was a bold adaptation that touched on important concepts in ways that only science fiction could. Even the Matrix sequels had some of the best action sequences ever put on film... and a few of the worst. It'll be worth the price of admission if Jupiter Ascending has a misfire even half as spectacular as the "Neo vs. Agent Smith Dragonball Z Fight".

 

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I want to live in a world with more Snowpiercers and Edge of Tomorrows, but Hollywood is more than happy to give us regurgitated nonsense like the Robocop and Total Recall remakes. They announced a SEQUEL to the Michael Bay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, while I have to drunkenly harange my friends for 15 minutes before they even CONSIDER streaming Attack the Block on Netflix. It's just not fair. Also, this point doesn't count for After Earth due to "The M. Night Shyamalan Exception".

 

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Every time something does well out of the blue, the film industry buys up everything tangentially similar to it in order to re-capture that lightning in a bottle. It is conceivable that if we all bite the bullet and actually pay to see this oncoming poop-trocity, the powers that be will immediately snatch up grand-sci-fi-magical-lush-universe-fiction properties and we'll get some ACTUALLY GOOD stories in the process. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but it's worth a shot.

 

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We live in a reality where Pacific Rim loses at the box office to Grown-Ups 2 and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World played second banana to The Expendables. Both of these movies were lovingly crafted for their intended audience but got swept away by stupid crap that delivered on the lowest common denominator. That's because we didn't show up when we were needed. I bet some of your FAVORITE movie theater memories were when you just said "fuck it" and went to some pre-christened disaster, only to discover that it was exactly what you wanted. What I'm trying to say is that the only way Hollywood will take more risks is if WE take more risks.

It's our solemn task to see Jupiter Ascending, in the theater, at full price, this weekend.
That is the heavy burden we must carry, a grim and unpleasant duty, for the good of us all.

 

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That being said, I'm sure it's going to suck.