This is Nick Offerman. This is what Nick Offerman is supposed to look like, now and forever.

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For Nick Offerman to look any different from this is a crime against nature.

 

There is one exception, though - Mountain Man Beard Nick Offerman:

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Beyond that lone exception, any other way he has of presenting himself is weird and uncomfortable. I'm sorry, Nick Offerman, but these pictures of you are wrong and the universe will not make any sense so long as they continue to exist:

 

1. Clean-Shaven Headshot Nick Offerman

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NO. NOOOOO. Wha...why?? STOP SMILING.

 

2. Goatee-d Nick Offerman

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You can have a mustache, or you can have a beard - but GOATEE? No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

3. Bleach-Blonde Nick Offerman

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FUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY. IT LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS FELL INTO THE CHEMICAL VAT THAT MADE THE JOKER. GAHHHH MAKE IT STOP.

 

4. Young Neckbeard Headshot Nick Offerman

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NOOOOOOOOOOOO. NECKBEARD?! JESUS CHRIST NO WHY FUCK

 

5. Rebel Without a Cause Nick Offerman

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SEXY-EYE REBEL WITH EARRINGS AND SIDEBURNS?! NO. WHAT. HOW. GAHHHH.

 

6. Oh wait there's more to that picture

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THIS IS MAKING ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

 

7. Bleach-Blonde Nick Offerman (Part 2)

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Bleach-blonde AND a goatee? NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOO

 

8. High School Yearbook Nick Offerman

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via TwoHeadedSnoo

HE'S SO YOUTHFUL AND CLEAN-SHAVEN. TOO YOUTHFUL! TOO CLEAN-SHAVEN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

9. Jacked-Teen Nick Offerman Goes Hawaiian

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WHAT THE CHRIST actually wow he was a pretty good-looking dude, huh? Sorta reminiscent of present-day Chris Pratt, but with radder eyebrows. Maybe I just need to accept that people can look however they choos-

 

10. Glasses and Lincoln Beard Nick Offerman

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WHAT HORRIBLE MIRROR UNIVERSE DID YOU COME FROM?!